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Original poster

Watching OH and DSS Relationship Go Downhill

30 replies

Bookworm1980 · 02/10/2024 11:23

DSS is 12 nearly 13 and has been part of my household with his dad (my OH), his other siblings and my kids for around 4 years now. DSS stays with us 3 nights per week. Up until recently there have been no major issues at all. OH has a great relationship with his 3 sons, and I think I've done a good job of being involved but not overstepping the mark - letting OH parent his kids etc. The DSS at the centre of this issue is obviously at that transitional age and of course moods/hormones etc play a massive part in everything.

DSS started Year 8 last month. No concerns. He does have mild (undiagnosed!) SN but school recognises this and accomodates his needs. He has specific sensitivities to the school bell for example, so is allowed to leave the classroom prior to the bell going off. He also doesn't react well to changes of routine or when plans suddenly change.

Since starting Year 8, DSS has been choosing not to come to our house. His 'main home' with his mum is literally round the corner, and we allow DSSs to come to ours whenever they want regardless of whether it's officially 'our day' or not - the door is always open we say to them and they know they are welcome.
But now DSS is choosing to stay at his mum's house pretty much all the time. We are seeing less and less of him. OH FaceTimes him regularly and they have a couple of minutes chat. OH says 'he's fine' but I can see that it is hurting him that his son doesn't seem to want to come to our house on any of the 3 days we're scheduled to have them.

Of course I have explained to OH that he needs to speak to his ex and make sure there's nothing causing this, but he said he doesn't want to make it a big issue or upset his son by making him feel guilty for staying at his mum's house. I respect that point of view. But I see and feel the sadness this is causing my OH, even though he says he's fine. On a day to day basis it might not seem a big problem but I'm thinking of the 'bigger picture' (which OH struggles to see) and I worry about their previously strong bond being eroded.

Any advice? Do I leave them to figure this out or push OH to encourage his son to come to ours even though he appears happier at his mum's?

IAMU: It's not really a problem and I need to let them figure this out.
IANBU: This is a problem and I need to encourage some sort of resolution.

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 02/10/2024 11:53

Is your OH trying to engage his son in other ways?

For a while BIL took DN bowling or for food once a week until DN felt comfortable opening up why he didn't want to go to BIL's home.

Even on the weeks DN didn't go the offer showed BIL wanted to spend time with him.

Original poster
Bookworm1980 · 02/10/2024 11:50

lindsaybob · 02/10/2024 11:35

Unless your OH has a particularly contentious relationship with his ex, I don’t see how having a quick chat to see if she knows whether there’s anything bothering DSS that’s causing him not to want to come to your house as much would be making it a big deal or making DSS feel guilty.

I’d be worried that if your OH says nothing about it to DSS or to his ex, because he’s going out of his way to make it “not a big deal”, that could be perceived by DSS as your OH not caring that he has stopped coming round.

I agree that he shouldn’t make it into a big deal or put pressure on DSS, but I definitely think he should say something, so that it’s clear to DSS that his dad cares about whether he sees him or not.

There is an element of contentiousness involved between OH and his ex. She is still very angry they split and is likely to proportion 'blame' onto my OH. This typically makes him reluctant to open up any conversation with her as she has this habit of just throwing things in his face. Her typical response to this would be, I imagine: "Well you left so it's your problem, what do you expect?..." or something to that effect. OH hates conflict and therefore avoids instigating such conversations.

But I agree that he should try to talk to her about it, even if she doesn't engage in a mature way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookworm1980 · 02/10/2024 11:45

Ablondiebutagoody · 02/10/2024 11:39

If I haven't seen my son for a few days I just pop round to the ex's place. Can't he do this? Facetiming if he's round the corner seems a bit strange

Yes there is also popping round involved - quick chat on the doorstep etc. OH does not go inside his ex's house, never has. This is very minimal contact though compared to 3 days and nights together.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 02/10/2024 11:39

If I haven't seen my son for a few days I just pop round to the ex's place. Can't he do this? Facetiming if he's round the corner seems a bit strange

lindsaybob · 02/10/2024 11:35

Unless your OH has a particularly contentious relationship with his ex, I don’t see how having a quick chat to see if she knows whether there’s anything bothering DSS that’s causing him not to want to come to your house as much would be making it a big deal or making DSS feel guilty.

I’d be worried that if your OH says nothing about it to DSS or to his ex, because he’s going out of his way to make it “not a big deal”, that could be perceived by DSS as your OH not caring that he has stopped coming round.

I agree that he shouldn’t make it into a big deal or put pressure on DSS, but I definitely think he should say something, so that it’s clear to DSS that his dad cares about whether he sees him or not.