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Original poster

Leaving the house, would this annoy you?

130 replies

helloballoon · 02/10/2024 07:37

My DP was working late last night, I was upstairs with the kids, they were being quite noisy and I was trying to calm them down so they were quiet as I knew he had to get something done and then was trying to get them to bed. Managed to do so then my DP calls me on my phone which I thought was strange so I answered, he had gone out the house 15 mins ago and was calling to see if we needed milk. I wasn’t even aware he had left the house. This really annoyed me, I think it was rude and it’s common courtesy to tell your partner if you are going out.

i wasn’t going to say anything when he h
got home but he kept asking me what was up and I told him I thought he was rude for leaving the house without telling me. Cue his defensiveness telling me he shouted me 3 times - obviously I didn’t hear him or acknowledge him as I would have done if I had actually heard him

I know it’s petty but would this annoy you? Also annoyed that he can’t accept this annoyed me and started arguing with me about it, wish I hadn’t said anything.

OP posts:
Mamabobogo · 02/10/2024 09:55

helloballoon · 02/10/2024 09:22

The kids room is above his office and they were playing a game, you can hear them quite loudly through the floor even though they aren’t being particularly loud. I knew he was concentrating on getting something done so I was just trying to keep them from making too much noise

Oh It’s changed in your first post you stated they were being quite noisy, but now they weren’t.

Mamabobogo · 02/10/2024 09:50

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/10/2024 09:37

Excellent point. And why wouldn’t he come in and say goodnight to his kids before he left. Give them a kiss and a cuddle to help them settle into bed. Isn’t that what most parents would do? And while there he could have said to you that he was going to the shops, is there anything that you need me to get while I’m there?

Most of the responses on here towards the op are so bizarre. You just can’t act like a single person when you are in a relationship with children. You’re a team.

And as for feeling a little off and not feeling ready to discuss it, that is not passive aggressive behaviour. It’s just being human. You’re allowed to have feelings and you don’t have to always talk about them.

Show quote history

Perhaps he’d done good nights etc! And sulking is PA and very juvenile!

GoingForALongWalk · 02/10/2024 09:47

helloballoon · 02/10/2024 09:11

ok I acknowledge that it’s a mountain of a mole hill and I appreciate the perspective. In my relationship I would never go out without telling my OH, it’s common courtesy in my view and that’s normal in my relationship. If it’s normal for others to go out without telling eachother then I respect that but that’s not me.

i find it strange he would just sneak out the house at 9pm at night without saying a word (and him shouting that I have clearly not heard does not count in my view).

In my defence I am not passive aggressive or neither did I give him the silent treatment. I acknowledge that I may not have been my full usual self, I asked him if he wanted a drink and what he wanted to watch on telly. I was annoyed in the moment and was trying to hide it (clearly not very well!) to avoid an argument and things escalating over nothing.
I know my DP well and sometimes if there are things that have bothered me it’s not worth bringing up as he gets very defensive and won’t listen and he will just start arguing with me and I just couldn’t be bothered with it. I would have just moved on on my own if it had been left.

i acknowledge it was a silly thing to be annoyed about and I know he is stressed with work hence why I was trying to not say anything.

In my defence I am not passive aggressive or neither did I give him the silent treatment.

You said he repeatedly asked you what was wrong and you said "Nothing", while making it clear that you were annoyed.

That is classic passive-agressive behaviour which is toxic and potentially damaging to your relationship and a poor example to your children. It is more likely to exacerbate conflict than resolve it, as you have discovered.

You owe your husband an apology for this behaviour whether or not you believe he did something wrong.

In my opinion, calling out three times over your noisy children and calling by telephone while he was out should be enough, to let you know his intentions.

Is it possible that if you had known in advance that he wanted to go out you would have refused to give him permission? Is that the reason you are so annoyed? If so, you need to think about why you need to exert so much control.

pictoosh · 02/10/2024 09:45

"Excellent point. And why wouldn’t he come in and say goodnight to his kids before he left. Give them a kiss and a cuddle to help them settle into bed. Isn’t that what most parents would do? And while there he could have said to you that he was going to the shops, is there anything that you need me to get while I’m there?"

It's funny when someone offers a very detailed opinion of what another person they know nothing about, in a scenario they weren't present in, should do.

Thank you for your input.

Freshflower · 02/10/2024 09:43

If he did call 3 times and then called you to see if you needed milk , I don't see anything wrong with this , he's not a prisoner. But depends where he went and for how long, did he just nip to the shops and then back or go out for hours on end

WiserOlderElf · 02/10/2024 09:39

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/10/2024 09:37

Excellent point. And why wouldn’t he come in and say goodnight to his kids before he left. Give them a kiss and a cuddle to help them settle into bed. Isn’t that what most parents would do? And while there he could have said to you that he was going to the shops, is there anything that you need me to get while I’m there?

Most of the responses on here towards the op are so bizarre. You just can’t act like a single person when you are in a relationship with children. You’re a team.

And as for feeling a little off and not feeling ready to discuss it, that is not passive aggressive behaviour. It’s just being human. You’re allowed to have feelings and you don’t have to always talk about them.

Show quote history

The kids were playing a noisy game upstairs. It doesn’t sound like they were going to be settled into bed ready for lights out in the next 10 mins to me.

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/10/2024 09:37

ARichtGoodDram · 02/10/2024 09:21

I'd be annoyed by that.

Trying to keep the kids quiet and dealing with a difficult bedtime on your own was fine when he was working.

Once he finished he should have pitched in with sorting the kids. Not disappeared off himself

Excellent point. And why wouldn’t he come in and say goodnight to his kids before he left. Give them a kiss and a cuddle to help them settle into bed. Isn’t that what most parents would do? And while there he could have said to you that he was going to the shops, is there anything that you need me to get while I’m there?

Most of the responses on here towards the op are so bizarre. You just can’t act like a single person when you are in a relationship with children. You’re a team.

And as for feeling a little off and not feeling ready to discuss it, that is not passive aggressive behaviour. It’s just being human. You’re allowed to have feelings and you don’t have to always talk about them.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/10/2024 09:37

I wouldn’t call it ‘rude’. Just thoughtless I expect.

‘Rude’ does often seem to be very much over-used on MN, when a different word would be more apt.

underused · 02/10/2024 09:34

I can't get excited about this tbh.

I've often popped out to the shop or a walk and given a shout up the stairs that hasn't been heard - I've always got my phone on me so if he's that bothered he can text me.

Obviously if I was going to be out for any significant length of time I'd make sure he knew about it.

Ablondiebutagoody · 02/10/2024 09:31

helloballoon · 02/10/2024 09:20

so are you telling me that if you tell someone something and know they didn’t hear you you can say well I did tell you, it’s not my fault you didn’t hear?

Show quote history

Why are you being so defensive?

gannett · 02/10/2024 09:30

It's polite to let other people in the house know if you're heading out for a substantial length of time but if I was popping to the shops and would be back in 10 minutes it wouldn't even occur to me to shout to let DP know. Really not sure why that offended the OP so much.

WiserOlderElf · 02/10/2024 09:23

helloballoon · 02/10/2024 09:20

so are you telling me that if you tell someone something and know they didn’t hear you you can say well I did tell you, it’s not my fault you didn’t hear?

Show quote history

It was a trip to the shop. I’d just think ‘she can’t hear me because of the noisy kids but I’ll be back in 10 mins so it’s not a big deal. I’ll call her when I’m out so she knows where I am and to see if she wants anything’. It wouldn’t occur to me that you’d be annoyed at me nipping to the shop, so I wouldn’t be trying to justify it to myself in the first place.
How old are your kids? Why are they being so noisy at 9pm?

diddl · 02/10/2024 09:23

Would the kids have caused a fuss if he had come to tell you?

As a rule if I shout & get no answer then I go & tell the person.

Original poster
helloballoon · 02/10/2024 09:22

The kids room is above his office and they were playing a game, you can hear them quite loudly through the floor even though they aren’t being particularly loud. I knew he was concentrating on getting something done so I was just trying to keep them from making too much noise

OP posts:
Mamabobogo · 02/10/2024 09:22

helloballoon · 02/10/2024 09:20

so are you telling me that if you tell someone something and know they didn’t hear you you can say well I did tell you, it’s not my fault you didn’t hear?

Show quote history

i don’t think that’s what being said here, you’ve got that wrong.

i tho k the poster is saying he didn’t sneak out of the house, because he didn’t!

ARichtGoodDram · 02/10/2024 09:21

I'd be annoyed by that.

Trying to keep the kids quiet and dealing with a difficult bedtime on your own was fine when he was working.

Once he finished he should have pitched in with sorting the kids. Not disappeared off himself

Original poster
helloballoon · 02/10/2024 09:20

Blinkii · 02/10/2024 09:16

i find it strange he would just sneak out the house at 9pm at night without saying a word (and him shouting that I have clearly not heard does not count in my view).

But that's not what happened. He shouted you 3 times and then nipped out because he needed to nip out. You're blowing it up into something it's not.

so are you telling me that if you tell someone something and know they didn’t hear you you can say well I did tell you, it’s not my fault you didn’t hear?

OP posts:
pictoosh · 02/10/2024 09:18

He didn't sneak out. What an odd, accusatory way of putting it.
What's up with you really?

Blinkii · 02/10/2024 09:16

i find it strange he would just sneak out the house at 9pm at night without saying a word (and him shouting that I have clearly not heard does not count in my view).

But that's not what happened. He shouted you 3 times and then nipped out because he needed to nip out. You're blowing it up into something it's not.

WiserOlderElf · 02/10/2024 09:16

helloballoon · 02/10/2024 09:11

ok I acknowledge that it’s a mountain of a mole hill and I appreciate the perspective. In my relationship I would never go out without telling my OH, it’s common courtesy in my view and that’s normal in my relationship. If it’s normal for others to go out without telling eachother then I respect that but that’s not me.

i find it strange he would just sneak out the house at 9pm at night without saying a word (and him shouting that I have clearly not heard does not count in my view).

In my defence I am not passive aggressive or neither did I give him the silent treatment. I acknowledge that I may not have been my full usual self, I asked him if he wanted a drink and what he wanted to watch on telly. I was annoyed in the moment and was trying to hide it (clearly not very well!) to avoid an argument and things escalating over nothing.
I know my DP well and sometimes if there are things that have bothered me it’s not worth bringing up as he gets very defensive and won’t listen and he will just start arguing with me and I just couldn’t be bothered with it. I would have just moved on on my own if it had been left.

i acknowledge it was a silly thing to be annoyed about and I know he is stressed with work hence why I was trying to not say anything.

But he didn’t ‘sneak’ out, did he? That would imply he didn’t want you to know. He tried to tell you multiple times, and then he called you. If that’s ’sneaking’ then he’s not very good at it!

Mamabobogo · 02/10/2024 09:14

helloballoon · 02/10/2024 09:11

ok I acknowledge that it’s a mountain of a mole hill and I appreciate the perspective. In my relationship I would never go out without telling my OH, it’s common courtesy in my view and that’s normal in my relationship. If it’s normal for others to go out without telling eachother then I respect that but that’s not me.

i find it strange he would just sneak out the house at 9pm at night without saying a word (and him shouting that I have clearly not heard does not count in my view).

In my defence I am not passive aggressive or neither did I give him the silent treatment. I acknowledge that I may not have been my full usual self, I asked him if he wanted a drink and what he wanted to watch on telly. I was annoyed in the moment and was trying to hide it (clearly not very well!) to avoid an argument and things escalating over nothing.
I know my DP well and sometimes if there are things that have bothered me it’s not worth bringing up as he gets very defensive and won’t listen and he will just start arguing with me and I just couldn’t be bothered with it. I would have just moved on on my own if it had been left.

i acknowledge it was a silly thing to be annoyed about and I know he is stressed with work hence why I was trying to not say anything.

So your children are so loud at 9pm, that your DH shouting up the stairs (more noise) can’t be heard, your poor neighbours!

How is shouting up the stairs and then ringing you “sneaking” out of the house.

its very clear you don’t like being wrong, maybe take a look at yourself?

WiserOlderElf · 02/10/2024 09:14

BeMintBee · 02/10/2024 07:58

Also it’s really passive aggressive and unpleasant to be “off” but keep telling someone nothings wrong when there is. That would get my back up and I would probably not apologise to someone if they did that to me rather than just spit it out in the first place and say what’s up.

Yes this. It would have been better to just tell him what the problem was instead of being ‘off’, meaning he had to keep asking.
Anyway I think YABU. He tried to tell you he was popping out but you didn’t hear him. He wasn’t going out for the evening, just 10 mins to pop to the shop. It wouldn’t even be on my radar to be annoyed.

Differentstarts · 02/10/2024 09:12

Yanbu I wouldn't leave the house or enter the house without making others aware and I expect the same back.

mondaytosunday · 02/10/2024 09:12

You were busy, he was just popping out. No big deal. I'd be far more annoyed if he'd gone out and come back without asking if I needed something!

Original poster
helloballoon · 02/10/2024 09:11

ok I acknowledge that it’s a mountain of a mole hill and I appreciate the perspective. In my relationship I would never go out without telling my OH, it’s common courtesy in my view and that’s normal in my relationship. If it’s normal for others to go out without telling eachother then I respect that but that’s not me.

i find it strange he would just sneak out the house at 9pm at night without saying a word (and him shouting that I have clearly not heard does not count in my view).

In my defence I am not passive aggressive or neither did I give him the silent treatment. I acknowledge that I may not have been my full usual self, I asked him if he wanted a drink and what he wanted to watch on telly. I was annoyed in the moment and was trying to hide it (clearly not very well!) to avoid an argument and things escalating over nothing.
I know my DP well and sometimes if there are things that have bothered me it’s not worth bringing up as he gets very defensive and won’t listen and he will just start arguing with me and I just couldn’t be bothered with it. I would have just moved on on my own if it had been left.

i acknowledge it was a silly thing to be annoyed about and I know he is stressed with work hence why I was trying to not say anything.

OP posts: