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Original poster

To think adults don’t throw parties anymore?

269 replies

Lemonadeand · 02/10/2024 07:04

A lot of our friends are turning 40 this year, or had their fortieth birthday in the last couple of years. Some of them, including very sociable/outgoing people, when I asked if they were going to have a party just laughed and ended up having very small dinner parties if anything.

I remember for my parents’ 40th birthdays back in the ‘90s they threw massive house parties. Similarly many of their friends. And for big anniversaries there were big, more formal parties such as a whole pub rented out etc.

Then on Mumsnet, posters are often very dismissive of adult birthdays. Someone posted about their planned anniversary party and most responses were telling them not to bother, it’s too much expense and hassle, just have a nice holiday instead.

So have parties for adults just gone out of fashion? Is it cost of living/ smaller houses?

YABU: Parties for adult birthdays were never a thing/ they are still a thing.

YANBU: There are fewer big parties for adults than there used to be.

OP posts:
twentysevendresses · 02/10/2024 08:57

I'm about to turn 60 and people are asking if I'm having 'a do'. I've never had 'a do' in my life, so that's a resounding no! I doubt anyone would bother turning up as it's November and will be cold, dark and wet - I probably wouldn't turn up myself to be fair 🤣

mondaytosunday · 02/10/2024 08:55

Yes definitely my parents used to host big parties. Not just birthdays (in fact they didn't really celebrate those) but sometimes no occasion needed! And they'd go out to parties too. Now at most it's out to dinner with a few friends - in fact the only proper party I've been to in the last few years is a joint 60th this summer.

magicstar1 · 02/10/2024 08:54

I threw a big surprise party for DH’s 40th. I hired out a large room in our favourite bar and arranged food etc. it was brilliant. For his 50th this year, I hired out a property and everyone came for the weekend. Again, it was fantastic.

I’ve been lucky because he’s very popular and people will turn up. Another two birthday parties I was invited to, had hardly anyone show up and it was so sad.

gingercat02 · 02/10/2024 08:52

I have a couple of friends who are party people they had 40ths, 50ths, big christenings,etc, but that's not me. I hate being the centre of attention.
I also agree that it's older parents. I was 20 when my Dad was 50 and 23, when my mum was. DS was 11 and 12 for us. Different life stages.

IDontLikePinaColadas · 02/10/2024 08:52

I’ve just turned 40 and the last thing I wanted was a big party - possibly because my job is throwing parties for other people so I know what a faff they can be and the expense of them.

I did however have the most amazing holiday with my partner which was far more memorable for me - I feel that throwing a party would have been to please everyone else rather than what I actually wanted to do.

Runsyd · 02/10/2024 08:52

GingerBeverage · 02/10/2024 07:48

I think social media living has eroded the physical connections we used to prioritise.

We used to pop around people’s houses. We used to phone on landlines in off peak. We used to send cards.

Now there’s a thread here every day asking if it’s normal to have no friends.

Now, I expect people will clamour to reply “but I go around people’s houses all the time and have 92 best friends!”
OK, yay for you. That is not the default anymore.

So now who (in a housing crisis) has the room and the funds (in a col crisis) to throw parties for all their friends (who can’t be arsed to see you more than once a year) when a party hat emoji and dancing cake gif will suffice?

Absolutely agree. The internet, and social media in particular, has completely fucked our ability to be around each other. It's beyond sad.

TwistedWonder · 02/10/2024 08:51

Cynic17 · 02/10/2024 08:47

They were never a thing, in my experience. I'm happy to say that I probably haven't been to a party in nearly 40 years!

I agree. Other than a few family parties I don’t think I’ve been to a party thrown by friends since their 21sts and we’re now in our 50’s

We are a very social bunch but tend to see what’s going on around our birthdays and getting together for that. But we have always been ‘going out to socialise’ people rather than visiting each others homes. I’ve never hosted or attended a dinner party in my life - we go out to eat. So birthdays tend to be finding someone to dance with a few drinks rather than throwing a party.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/10/2024 08:51

I think it’s very true that 40 yos now are at quite a different life stage to our parents (mind you, I’m nearly 46)

Also i think we didn’t really get going again fully after Covid - some people did obviously, but parties as a big thing seem to have tapered off. That and the cost of living of course.

GhostVase · 02/10/2024 08:49

I love having parties, but not for birthdays. To me those are two very separate things. On birthdays I want to do things that are purely fun/self indulgent/ interesting for me, not be thinking about how much ice to buy and whether my widely-scattered friendship groups will get along.

Mishmashs · 02/10/2024 08:49

Yes! I remember my parent’s great parties of the 80s and 90s. All at home and often to celebrate birthdays or something. Lots of music, booze and food.

AlmondsAreGreat · 02/10/2024 08:48

4405cd · 02/10/2024 08:42

I think people are just generally lazier with greetings ,gifts ,time and flakey.
I had a 40th in 00s ,regular NYE parties back in 90s,people were reliable and loved a party .Definitely think having SM and mobile phones is the main problem. People are more insular and just don’t make as much effort. It’s not just about having room/ money ,it’s time and inclination as well.

Show quote history

Totally agree. People are massively flakey.

I work in an industry where we get invited to some really nice networking type events, free food, drinks, great venues. Everyone always says yes, they’ll come - and without fail, as the event draws near, people drop out. I used to then not go too, but now I just turn up anyway - there’s generally someone I know there, and if not the whole point is for the hosts to schmooze, so you’ll always end up talking to someone. If the event is bad, you just slip out.

I’ve no idea why people say yes in the first place.

JoanOgden · 02/10/2024 08:48

It's true I think. I have lots of friends and see them often for theatre, drinks etc but hardly ever get invited to parties. One of my friends organised a party for her 50th in 2022 and that must be the last party I went to. (Unless they're all having parties and just not inviting me, of course...)

I did actually organise a lunch party for my 40th shortly before Covid and it was really lovely. But exhausting!

Cynic17 · 02/10/2024 08:47

They were never a thing, in my experience. I'm happy to say that I probably haven't been to a party in nearly 40 years!

justasking111 · 02/10/2024 08:46

The last party we had pre COVID, was catered a tea room provided the food. Having all the cleaning, shifting furniture was enough work.

Used to have a mums group, birthdays we all got together, then it became lunches, nowadays it's a what's app message.

Very sad but what can you do.

RampantIvy · 02/10/2024 08:46

MusicLife80 · 02/10/2024 08:36

For us it’d be cost but also we both have huge friendship groups and families. It would turn really difficult trying to think who to invite. We have a lot of siblings and are also close to our cousins. They all have kids (some in their 20s and 30s) then we have school friends, uni friends, work friends, parents from school good friends! So it just gets too much!

I sm slightly envious of you.

Do you live near your family and where you grew up?

We have moved around a bit. Our friends and family are scattered and neither of us have much family left. I also have a deeply unsociable husband who never made the effort to make friends when we moved to our current house. Everyone we socialise with is through people I have made an effort with.

Comedycook · 02/10/2024 08:45

It's true...I remember my mum's 40th..she had a big party.

None of my friends did.

I think a few reasons. I think people nowadays feel like if they do a party, everything my must be perfect, their house, their decor etc so it's too much pressure. Also people have smaller homes nowadays....oh and cost, booze and food for a large number of people is so expensive

Globules · 02/10/2024 08:45

I threw a huge party for my 40th in 2016. Hired a hall. Catered. Gave people a few months notice. Lots of yes RSVPs.

Then on the day I had a slew of texts saying "sorry, can't make it. Have fun." Over half the guests who'd already said yes backed out on the day.

I had spent £100s on the evening. Whilst I still had a great time, it was tarred by the cancellations. Particularly as the hall was rather empty.

Never again.

Original poster
Lemonadeand · 02/10/2024 08:44

Lots of sensible responses on here! Yes I think it’s a combination of things: people being more flakey, people having families later and having smaller houses, lack of social confidence. Just changing culture, I guess.

OP posts:
Obeseandashamed · 02/10/2024 08:44

I love parties but do think that the expectations and cost of parties have gone up massively. A party these days is like a wedding of 20 years ago.

Drttc · 02/10/2024 08:43

I agree. We’re under 40 and usually end up throwing 1 big party a year (for a birthday, christening, Christmas..). We have one family of friends who host a lot more often (great family friendly parties). Space can be an issue for people but our houses are not on the small side.

We consider ourselves very good hosts - it gets very expensive and takes a lot of planning. It makes things a bit easier if we hire a venue (nice pub or even a museum this summer!) - but adds up of course!

We feel very old fashioned for still driving the regular big parties, but clearly enjoy it!

4405cd · 02/10/2024 08:42

GingerBeverage · 02/10/2024 07:48

I think social media living has eroded the physical connections we used to prioritise.

We used to pop around people’s houses. We used to phone on landlines in off peak. We used to send cards.

Now there’s a thread here every day asking if it’s normal to have no friends.

Now, I expect people will clamour to reply “but I go around people’s houses all the time and have 92 best friends!”
OK, yay for you. That is not the default anymore.

So now who (in a housing crisis) has the room and the funds (in a col crisis) to throw parties for all their friends (who can’t be arsed to see you more than once a year) when a party hat emoji and dancing cake gif will suffice?

I think people are just generally lazier with greetings ,gifts ,time and flakey.
I had a 40th in 00s ,regular NYE parties back in 90s,people were reliable and loved a party .Definitely think having SM and mobile phones is the main problem. People are more insular and just don’t make as much effort. It’s not just about having room/ money ,it’s time and inclination as well.

rainfallpurevividcat · 02/10/2024 08:42

MusicLife80 · 02/10/2024 08:36

For us it’d be cost but also we both have huge friendship groups and families. It would turn really difficult trying to think who to invite. We have a lot of siblings and are also close to our cousins. They all have kids (some in their 20s and 30s) then we have school friends, uni friends, work friends, parents from school good friends! So it just gets too much!

This. My family and friends are all round the country - it's easier to go and do smaller things with different groups of people.

Filingmyshoes · 02/10/2024 08:42

We have a legendary Christmas party every year and have done for the past 15 years. We have a big open plan downstairs that suits it well. We have about 70 people and these days I get everyone to bring a plate of cold canapés so the work is shared. It’s all finger food so no cutlery or crockery and the only washing up is glasses.

I think the reason many people I know don’t host parties themselves is confidence. Lots of people I know say things like they’d be scared or would be stressed. My parents always had big parties so I’m used to them and love them.

re cost - doesn’t cost us much as everyone is very generous and brings food, lots of alcohol and gifts. Always end up with more wine than we started with!

IsThisCluttered · 02/10/2024 08:41

I'm not in the UK & things must be very different here as we go to parties & throw parties! We're in our early 50s.

In the past couple of weeks we travelled to another city to attend a house party. It was a LOT of fun!

We are regularly invited to birthday parties for occasion birthdays - lots of 50ths at the moment.

But also Christmas parties, summer parties & random 'get together' parties - always a chance to get dressed up in a lovely dress etc

They're a mix of in people's houses & in venues. Most at home though.

They range from 15 or 20 people right up to high numbers. The one we were at recently had about 50 or so people

We love a good party!!

Tworedgeraniums · 02/10/2024 08:37

We used to host a good 8 big parties/bbq’s a year. Fortunate we have a lovely big place and also hosted a few friends birthdays and an engagement party too.

TBH cost has a lot to do with it, and the actual work of setting up, and tidying up, the dishwasher being on for hours on end. I ousted a lot of extra crockery to make my cupboards easier to navigate last year. AND no one ever invites us to theirs for even drinks so I put my foot down a bit. A couple of CF’s suggested we threw a party and I said it was their turn, and of course it didn’t happen.

I miss it a bit because I always gave the house a big clean, I was wondering why I have cobwebs where I’ve never had cobwebs before and it’s because oooooooo I haven’t hoovered those places for a long while. Oops.