AIBU to hate the ongoing concept that 'the man must propose'?

I also find the idea of a man putting a ring on 'that' finger somewhat possessive and weird . Probably my fear of being controlled coming out, but it does seem to harp back to when a woman was a chattel somewhat.
Exchanging wedding rings if both want to wear one seems different.

Yeah, massive red flag for me if a man had a problem with me exercising agency in my own life!

Well, given that you weren't wringing your hands waiting, there clearly wasn't a problem.

I'm never totally sure as to what the point of a "proposal" is, if the couple has already discussed and agreed that they want to get married - surely they are effectively engaged at this point already? Totally fair enough if they value the whole ritual of the big "romantic proposal" but at that point, it's presumably more of a formality than an actual proposal because the engagement is already a done deal.

I agree OP. We just decided to get married, bought a ring and set a date a few months later we were married. Just get on with it. People make such a big song and dance about it.

If you’re partner’s ego is this fragile, then you’ve got a bad one.

I heard ‘traditions’ recently described as the dead controlling the living.
And have a friend online dating still trying to play the coy Jane Austen heroine -makes no sense now when women in this country are free form those conventions in the days when women had no power.

I think nowadays some couples have the 'shall we get married' conversation with a positive decision, but then the woman still waits for a formal proposal - with an expectation that this will be theatrical in nature. Which is fine if it happens reasonably soon after the agreement to get married, but can lead to the situations you read of on here, where the woman is left waiting months or even years for the 'proposal' and you start to wonder if the man agreed to it just to string her along.

I agree. I have no issue with people wanting to be proposed to, but often when it's come up on here there's a tone of sneering (from some posters) at women who have proposed, like "well if he couldn't be bothered to propose, I'd assume he wasn't committed", "I'd never have done that, it's sad and desperate" etc.

Neither DH or I proposed. We just decided to get married.

I don’t mind either way but I don’t get the whole planned proposal thing or the frustration that he hasn’t asked yet. Dh didn’t propose. We just decided to get married. If you want to get married just ask him.

I was proposed to, but we'd already had the conversation about what we both wanted, life timescales etc and I wasn't winging my hands waiting. I had a professional career and my own home. I am very much a planner and organiser, in every aspect of my life and always have been. So it was good for me to let go and let someone else do the thinking. DH bought me a beautiful ring which is exactly my style and when we got married we both double barrelled. When we had ds we both compressed our working hours to share childcare, do equal pick ups/drop offs and whilst I'm still the organiser and planner he blitzes through the housework on his day off (DS now at school) does a lot of laundry and pretty much all of the ironing, I tend to do the shopping and cooking, we do little bits during the week and the gardening together, he probably does more diy but it's close and I'm currently in the throws of managing a couple of building projects on our home. We play to our strengths.
Some of us are just fine.

ETA my dad also walked my down the aisle, but because he was giving me away but because our was a lovely moment to share with him, access when DH told my parents he was going to propose on an upcoming holiday, my dad said I'm glad you're not asking for our permission she's always done what she wanted anyway.

That's fine, I don't care that they don't care. Those outdated views still need challenging though, so that our daughters don't make the same mistakes.

I agree with this.

However I do think in general women are more inclined to be invested in relationships especially if they want children.
Men proposing at least weeds out the time wasters if getting married is important to a woman.

In fairness, I doubt those people care that you don't have sympathy. Each to their own.

I don't agree that this is just about personal choices. It is societal attitudes that make some women feel they have to wait to be asked. I don't support those attitudes.

Of course it is fine for people to want the man to propose. If they're happy to wait or aren't that bothered about marriage anyway, then it's no big deal. I just don't have any sympathy for those that complain about it when it doesn't happen according to their expected timescales.

It's OK for people to want a man to propose. It's OK for a woman to propose. It's all ok. No one needs to get their knickers twisted calling people pathetic. You do you, and they can do them.

No, I already said It's fine if people want to do the traditional thing. Each to their own and all that.

But yes, I absolutely do find it pathetic when someone is unhappy about a situation but acts as if they have no power to do anything about it, even though the solution is quite obviously within their grasp! I would absolutely not want my own dd to grow up with such a presumption of her own powerlessness, and so I think it's really important that we challenge these outdated notions as and when appropriate.

My DH even asked my mum for permission (my dad isn't about) which I thought was lovely and my mum LOVED it! She was never going to say no of course (and if she had it wouldn't have changed anything!), but it was just a nice romantic gesture, showed how much thought my DH had put into it, and meant my mum also knew in advance which I liked as it kept her involved.

But you calling people pathetic who want to be traditional is really constructive and intelligent isn't it? The irony.

It's a bit boring and unromantic? Always doing the "right thing" is a bit depressing and takes all the joy out of life.

A surprise proposal is exciting and fun. A discussion over breakfast deciding together is more like a business transaction, or a practical consideration. If you are happy with the latter that's fine, but a lot of people want matters of love to be fun and romantic and exciting, and that's fine too.

Now there is a constructive, intelligent response.

I like the tradition of it. Plus it's a chance for the man to put some thought into something and show they can be romantic!

I haven't seen the other thread but I agree. I simply can't understand why two adults in an equal relationship wouldn't have a "shall we get married?" conversation which is what DH and did. No need to be engaged, just discuss it and then either plan a wedding or don't bother. I don't see what's romantic about waiting around for a man to take the initiative on a big decision. Have some agency!

💤

So they can propose themselves then if they want to get married. No need for all of the handwringing when the men in their lives don't do it. It's pathetic!

I'm pretty sure people know they can take initiative if they want to. No one should be doing anything, apart from staying in their own lane.