AIBU to hate the ongoing concept that 'the man must propose'?

My partner has never proposed to me, but, we’ve spoken about getting married, agreed when and even where that will be and both know it’s what we want in the future (we are waiting until DC are older and we can live together). So technically we are engaged as we are planning to marry.

That’s what I can’t understand when you see posts on here saying ‘oh we’ve spoken about getting married, we both want to, but he wants to propose when he’s ready’ and the woman is still sitting there waiting 2 years later, waiting for this, because she has to have the ‘proposal’. He obviously doesn’t want to be married or you would be!

I agree OP.
But while there are some really on board with this idea, there are just as many who are 'old fashioned' and will vehemently argue against it.

There's no reason why women can't propose, why she can't be taller than a man, why she can't ask the man out, pay on a date, have a 'small' ring (or a ring at all!), why she can't be the main breadwinner...

Many women absolutely insist on the above, still!

Agreed. My husband didn't propose, we discussed getting married and both agreed it was something we wanted.

I decided to propose to my husband partly because I thought it would be good to mix it up a bit. It was very nerve-wracking and I almost cried. I am pleased I've given that example to my kids though.

This. Though the men who are ‘traditional’ seldom seem to extend their 19thc ways to traditions which are less convenient for them, like ‘no sex before marriage’.

As PP have pointed out, any man who really didn't like me having a say in my life is not a good man to have.

But I'm curious about the presumably rigorous, scientific survey you've done where you can confidently apply this across the board? I know multiple men who definitely did not have a problem being proposed to. Almost every marriage I know was a mutual decision made after a normal conversation between equals.

I think that's fine if you're happy and it all worked out for you. I have no issue with that at all.

What annoys me is when it clearly isn't working for people but they seem to adopt this position of helplessness as though there is nothing that they can do about it.

If people want something to happen, then they need to make it happen.

Hear, hear.

How 19thc a proportion of youngish women in the developed world are in 2024 has been one of the genuinely baffling, fascinating revelations of being on Mn for me. In RL no one I know (and I’m 52, with a wide set of friends and acquaintances in several countries because of moving round a lot) was ever frantic for a proposal, been ‘given away’ by their father, or changed their name on marriage.

Whenever I see a woman cooing over how she likes her relationships and her men to be "traditional" my eyes roll all the way back in my head and frankly I just think how silly she is. Traditional gender roles are there to box women in (and men too tbh) and hold them back. Good luck with your traditional lack of freedom and your traditional having no life beyond the domestic sphere. Meanwhile, men invested in traditional masculine roles are gigantic red flags. He thinks he knows better than you, he thinks he should control you and he doesn't take you seriously.

Marriage is a huge life decision and I can't imagine just waiting around passively if it was something I wanted. You wouldn't buy a house or take a job or move city without proper conversations and thought so why anyone does that for marriage is beyond me.

The men who “don’t like” when a woman plays an active role in planning her own life plans can get in the bin.

Most things done under the guise of “it’s traditional” need to be done away with imo. Fine if individuals want to adhere to certain traditions - many of which began as ownership and subjugation of women - but they shouldn’t be overarching societal narratives or expectations. It was once tradition in this country to have public hangings but times move on, don’t they.

Traditional does not equal romantic, and the other ideas that come along with it are often borne of nothing more than misogyny, like the whole “men don’t like being proposed to” - it’s uncomfortably close to “men don’t like women having agency in their own lives”. The blindly taking a man’s name drives me mad too. Why so readily throw away your identity? If the reason is to all have the same name then he can take yours or you can all choose a new one!

Romance can be alive in a relationship through all sorts of displays of love. It doesn’t need to be done through traditions that reduce women’s autonomy.

@Happyinarcon my dh is like you. He had a very miserable upbringing. His parents divorced v acrimoniously when he was a child. His mother then had several abusive relationships & more children but no more marriages.

He never wanted to get married (was quite against it) till we met. I had no interest in marriage either (& I'd had 3 previous boyfriends talk about it & I knew it wasn't for me)

But when we met, we both just knew this was something special & different. He says it made him want to do everything the right way & he couldn't explain it - he just needed to.

So he proposed. I was utterly surprised. And utterly delighted (which also surprised me). It was private & intimate & just the two of us in a place of v special significance to us & he'd had an incredulity beautiful ring made. It's the ring of my dreams..

We got engaged & married within 9 months of each other, so all in the one year. No hanging around for years.

We had our dc 2 years later & we've been incredibly happily married for over 20 years now.

I kept my own surname. I experimented with using his (far nicer name than mine) but I couldn't make it stick especially in work where I was established prior to getting married. Dc has dh's name.

@Alaimo I also laughed at the idea of a business transaction.

Ours started with a conversation on the sofa one afternoon and it was a really lovely and exciting time. Very romantic, I wouldn't change it. 6 weeks later we were married. No regrets.

I think it is some weird 'I need to be a princess and a big strong man needs to propose so I can show everyone I caught one'

It seems infantile a bit, but if it genuinely works for them fine, but then the jealousy and other issues surface and creep in

It is said the bigger the proposal and the massive show off wedding the shorter the marriage but who knows

DH and I agreed to get married during a breakfast conversation. We hadn't planned to discuss it that morning, but it came up, we talked about, and realised that, yes, we both wanted to get married. I think we both felt quite giddy at the realisation that we were 100% on the same page and wanted to take the next step.

We then went back to bed for some celebratory sex before going out for a nice lunch together.

It might not have been a surprise proposal, but a business transaction it was not.

Yes, it’s completely ridiculous. However, the posters on here who obsess about ‘Why hasn’t he proposed?’ are usually vocalising some other anxiety or resentment — often a lackadaisical or lazy partner who does not seem particularly thrilled to be in a relationship with them, or who never plans anything, takes any initiative, or in fact does much other than work or sit on the sofa in his pants. The male proposal tradition thus turns into a proof that Mr UnDreamboat actually gives a shit or is capable of the enormous heights of spending money on a ring, and booking a restaurant/arranging a weekend away/walk to a beauty spot.

So while I think that obsessing over an anachronistic romantic gesture is deeply silly, it’s actually genuinely sad when a proposal has to bear the weight of making up for a bad relationship.

Agree. Marriage should be a mutual decision. The concept of surprise proposals where the woman gushes about not seeing it coming are not romantic at all imo.

I would say both my husband and I are romantic. We do thoughtful things for each other, surprise each other with romantic gestures, etc.

I’m not sure where the notion comes from that you can only be romantic if a man proposes to you, that’s not very romantic to me!

We love each other, talked about having children together, told each other we wanted to marry each other. We got married a month later, no ‘proposal’. It all felt very romantic to the both of us!

But, that’s just our relationship. We are equals, we do equal housework, child care, paid work, etc. That to me is the definition of being a family, not a proposal and all having the same name.

Me too. We didn’t make a big thing about it though. Only together 3 weeks when he shouted “fancy getting married” while I was in the bath one night . Took us until 9 years later to actually do it though but still her 30 years on.

I find the whole proposal concept weird and outdated and the people who discuss and agree to get married but are then waiting for this fake ‘proposal’ are the worst.

Agreeing to get married is literally what getting engaged is, it’s already happened by that point so just plan the wedding ffs and stop it with the silliness.

Tradition has always had a lot of meaning for me. I wanted a man who would pay to take me on dates (coffee dates but still) and I wanted the man to propose to me, I wanted to be married before having children and I wanted to take my husbands last name. I also wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle, which he did and it’s the only time I ever saw him with his hair brushed so it was an extra special moment!

Maybe it’s because I had a miserable upbringing that I relied on tradition to provide me with life markers that I didn’t get growing up. I have absolutely no judgment for anyone who went about life differently because everyone has different experiences and motivations. Whatever the reasons, I found these sorts of traditions very important and comforting in my life

Agreed OP. This accepted half-way house of feminism really drives me crazy sometimes. Tiptoeing around men’s fragile egos so they can feel like they're in charge and doing the woman a favour. I’m not sure how a big, public proposal with loads of friends and family involved behind the scenes is anything other than coercive (and for effing Instagram)

Have a conversation about where you think the relationship is going and just get on with it. It’s not unromantic deciding together, we had a lovely talk about our future and how we both thought it would pan out. We walked each other down the aisle also.

Each to their own, but I get frustrated at all the threads by women who are desperately waiting for the man with whom they share a house (and often children) to propose - when it is clear that he already has everything as it suits him and most likely has no intention to formalise the relationship.

I have always done the initiating in relationships and the men have just gone along with it. Then it has invariably turned out they weren't interested and were just being polite. I'm not stupid enough (now) to think that anyone would want to marry me again but if I was ever in that situation I would want the man to propose. I'm not antifeminist but I wouldn't want to be made a fool of again.

I've been married 10 years and I don't think
I'll ever have a proposal in my lifetime.