AIBU to think Private School isn’t worth the expense?

It was the behaviour we saw in (local top) state schools that made us completely switch to private. And the fact that sport provision was given priority to balance the academics at the indie school. I’m not convinced that they get better grades due to being at independent school, or indeed better connections -is that even a ‘thing’??? But we didnt put them there just for grades, it was our peace of mind….even though we’re now pretty skint.

Sorry meant to add am not in Bristol but London. no idea what Bristol schools are like.

One in private and other in state.

One is more academic and enthusiastic about school in general since young.

Other is bright but didn't get through the first round of private entrance exams nor grammars.

Around here schools select you there isn't as much choice as you are made to believe.

Because of where we live, one has access to a single sex comprehensive but other (different gender) would have to go to a mixed down the road with under national average gcse results and behaviour issues. C'est la vie.

yep, me too

I think Clifton College compares well with London schools, if thats the sort of thing youre after. But yes, there are several private schools in Bristol City that are only there because of poor state provision. However there are school run buses from Bristol to several other Private Schools that would compare.

@MillyTheMoo sorry, I should’ve named the poster I was quoting.

not less time in lessons, they start earlier, finish later and some do Saturday school too. And certainly they dont have all unqualified teachers, and where they are not, for example my daughters Art teacher had amazing industry experience, which I believe overruled teaching qualifications. But, I do agree, Private is not always worth it.

I don't suppose this will be of much help with your decision @Macaronsandcupcakes as it's not really relevant for your situation OP (as I guess you'll be paying the fees yourself).

But re one child going state and the sibling going private. My brother is friends with someone he met at their (private school). His friend comes from a single parent family on benefits - he had a grant assisted place.

The sibling went to the local state school and there's been no resentment. The siblings have a good relationship as adults.

But I realise that's not exactly the same as when the parents pay for one child and not the other - although I do think whether or not there's sibling resentment can be very dependent on individual circumstances - each individual child and their specific needs, what the local state schools are like (and whether the state school sufficiently caters for the non private school sibling's needs, etc).

It’s all relative to your local options.

Where we used to live, there was no chance I would have let my child attend the state schools. The outcomes were poor and the behavior problems were well documented. We moved and my child now has access to an amazing tuition free education.

if the quality of that education declines, we will explore other options, including private schools.

goodluckbinbin · Today 11:58
the brother who was handed everything - huge MH problems, has a posh career that he hates

If someone who went to state school had MH problems, what would you blame that on?

friends brother was the one send to boarding while the girls went to day schools… they have almost no relationship with him. He’s closer to the boys he went to school with. He’s more like a distant cousin who you saw a bit as a kid in special occasions. He’s got MH issues, his sisters think he’s lonely, but he doesn’t want to make an effort to spend time with him.

Whether sending your children to different schools is OK or not is very context dependent. I have a colleague who has one child at a specialist boarding school on a scholarship and 2 at our local, very good, secondary. That doesn't seem to be causing any issues. All the kids are doing well and are happy, and there's a very positive reason why one actually needed a different educational setting. They're a very close and happy famiky as far as I can tell.
However, I also know someone who is the only one of several siblings who didn't go to private school as his parents didn't think him bright enough to be worth the money - they were quite open about that apparently. He also feels that he missed out in other ways as the family were financially stretched so he didn't even get to pursue his hobbies, go on school trips etc as the focus was on paying the school fees. Despite the fact he has been just as successful professionally as his siblings he has massive self esteem issues and a very strained relationship with his whole family.
Two extremes maybe, but they do illustrate that it's not a black and white issue.

@Macaronsandcupcakes ,
I sent my sons to state schools until my eldest was in year 8. We live in a leafy, affluent area of Surrey. Our local secondary has people fighting for places. My elder son went there in year 7, he had a terrible time because he wanted to learn. We took him out and sent him to our local independent school which was not in the least bit privileged but did have discipline and a competitive ethos. Meanwhile we’d been in discussion with our younger son’s state primary because we thought he had dyslexia, they told us that their expert special needs teacher has assessed him and he definitely did not have dyslexia but that he just had a very low IQ. Our elder son thrived in his new school and is now a doctor. We sent our younger son to the same private secondary as his brother when the time came and it was his teachers who approached us and suggested we get him tested for dyslexia… It turns out he has an IQ in the top 1% but extremely severe dyslexia, he was well supported at school, gained outstanding exam results and now has a successful career in the film industry.
Having experienced both state and private my experience is that state schools teach to hit their targets not to each child’s potential, special needs provision in the state sector is scarce and that impacts those who don’t have special needs because those who need help but don’t get it are more likely to be disruptive. Finally state schools have to jump through hoops in order to discipline students, if a child is continually disruptive or causing problems to other students at an independent school they can simply be asked to leave and I saw this happen.

@Macaronsandcupcakes ,

I don’t think treating them differently, according to their individual needs, is that bad, as long as if they start to do less well in the state sector, you can move them.

It is only bad if everyone thinks of one child as lucky and the other as unlucky.

the brother who was handed everything - huge MH problems, has a posh career that he hates, the brother who wasn't given anything other than a roof over his head - started his own business from the ground up with no money, very successful and happy with his lot. They just about have a relationship with each other, neither talks to the parents.

Christ, don't treat one differently that the other for whatever reason! I have quite friends who parents did this - the real reason was cost - but came up with other justifications and it's really affecting sibling relationships!
sibs separated, one where the boy was sent away but the girls weren't, one 'real' child sent to private but the stepchild sent to local comp even though they were a family since the kids were toddlers, and one really interesting one where the very wealthy parent fancied a social experiment of how the 2 brothers would turn out if one was sent private and given everything and the other sent to state and had to fund his own uni fees etc.!

Absolutely not worth the money - but parents do it to try to buy a bit of privilege for their kids, and make 'connections'.
Luckily, back in the real world, universities, employers etc. have realised that the strongest candidates are the ones who've actually has to work for opportunities, not been handed to them on a plate, and that hiring people with the 'right' accent who all look and sound the same isn't good for anyone.

More and more graduate schemes are giving preference to students who went to state schools over private, or are from lower socio-economic backgrounds but still got good exam grades and degrees. Some are even excluding privately educated altogether - safe in the knowledge that those kids will be fine because they'll be using mummy and daddy's firms or connections to get ahead.

There was also a drugs problem we didn’t have at my school.

Ah yes, drugs at private schools. Did you know the writer of Breaking Bad got the idea for the series having worked in various UK private schools?

We both went to grammar schools. Class disruption was minimal; due to a strict regime of punishments and the cane for boys, as the last resort. We don’t remember any children, who these days might be diagnosed with SEN. We hadn’t even heard of dyslexia, ADHD, etc until later in our teens.

We looked at the league tables, and chose to move out of London to a town with three good comprehensives in leafy suburbs. DC got all A*s and As at GCSE, and AAB at A level - enough to get into Russell group unis. Our friends children in private schools didn’t do any better.

I don’t think for academically able children, who are already maximising their potential, it makes much difference. However, if a DC had needed small classes, etc due to mild SEN or was being bullied in a state school, then we would have sent them to a private school.

I was private, at the time I was so lonely. A bit of bullying and I never had things everyone else had and it was along way form home so I was trapped.
However now going through secondary with my kids I can see that I was better educated and got better results which has probably meant that I earned more.
But psychologically it didn't help me at all. My children have gone to local secondary and have freedom and friends locally, but I am making it very clear that I expect them to work hard for those privileges, I do think parents are is exhausted by primary they're happy to let secondary schools do all the work however high parental expectation interest and commitment is so important.
Just my view on my schools though, not in your area.

I agree with this.

I was super super shy growing up and didn't pass the 11 plus. I was slightly above average academically and I didn't get much help at home as Dad was super busy and Mum wasn't academic.

Private school helped me flourish with small class sizes and loads of opportunities to do drama and public speaking.

I'm still shy but went to a top uni and have a great professional career.

FWIW our 4 children were all privately educated from 4-18 and we don't regret a penny of it.

The children of friends we have who value education, encouraged their DC's to do lots of sports, had a stable home life and went to state school have done just as well.

Always reminds me of this, so true!

You can take a horse to water- but a pencil must be lead 🤣 (Laurel & Hardy)

A good education and the confidence that comes with it gives you choices. It is all dependent on the exact school and individual but opportunities can be available via contacts to those who are willing and want it.

Life takes us in all directions and many choose not to go down a path for one reason or another. It’s not our place to judge for that. The comments of ‘I went state and did better than her even though she went private’ are meaningless. The definition of better varies from person to person.

I know an individual who went to one of the best schools in the country followed by Cambridge, had a fantastic start to their career and then stopped to be a SAHM. She didn’t work for the next 20 years and counting. She is happy though and loves the life she has - who is anyone else to judge her education as ‘wasted’. If she were to go back into the workforce, she is likeable with a number of transferable skills and could earn well should she need to.

Ultimately the education anyone has received will stay with them forever and they can use it for other things in the future. We shouldn’t be belittling and looking down on people who made different choices.