Do I make the effort with sister who doesn’t like my child?

Meh. She texted you back the first time and told you that she was glad you were ok. She also sent you congrats on the birth and good wishes.

As for the other time it's quite possible that she thought she had replied to you and it didn't send - which happens from time to time - or it slipped down her inbox and she didn't see it. If she does normally reply then it's prob just one of those blips.

She also came round to see you. She didn't say 'Ew'. You imagined that she did so it's really off to castigate her here for something that she didn't actually do. And as for the not wanting to hold it, I can totally understand as there's always a risk you get weed or pooed or vomited on.

@stayathomer it's in the OP

About a week after them meeting, I had to take him to A+E because we discovered he had a hernia. That night we weren’t sure if he’d need an operation. When I messaged her upset and worried, she didn’t even bother to reply and never checked up to see what happened.

SummaLuvin

I might have read wrong? I thought the op said she told her sister she was ok?

I do agree that your sister should have been much more attentive after your hospitalisation, but you need to remember that not everyone likes babies. I was delighted for my brother and sister in law when they had their first baby, but I had no interest at all in the baby himself. I was glad that he had been born healthy and that they were happy, but I really don't like babies, and I had never even held one in my life until we went to stay with them in Hong Kong when my nephew was about six months old and he was plonked on my lap. I tried to hide my feelings while we were there, but I didn't enjoy being with him at all. I felt just the same with their second child. I was 35 when I had my daughter; in those days was considered an older mum and all of my friends, with one exception, had had their children in their late teens or early 20s. Because of how I feel, I was always so careful not to be a typical baby bore when I saw friends, and would never had expected them to show particular interest in my daughter.

so before you had kids if a sibling/friend text you saying - "I'm in A&E, my 4 month old baby has a hernia and might need major surgery. I'm really upset and worried" - you would have thought it was absolutely fine to not bother replying and never acknowledge that text or check how they and their baby were doing because you didn't find babies especially interesting?

I know you don’t want to hear this but before I had kids I had no clue and no interest in babies, didn’t hold them, didn’t offer anything, they were just on a different planet to me! I saw this mirror led back at me after I had kids- some people jumped to hold them, others asked ‘so, em does it eat?’ and such other questions. Practically ran when they cried😅 Your sister just heard that you were ok and ticked that box in her head. You can’t make people be interested in babies( unfortunately !)

You honestly think that? So childless people aren't emotionally connected to another person, in any way, so couldn't imagine what's it like for a lived one's life to be in danger? She couldn't understand how stressful it was for the OP, to have her life at risk? I must have missed the part were she said they'd been brought up by robots.

The replies are ridiculous. OP let her make the next move. There's no excuse, not even infertility.

The excuses on behalf of the sister are quite something!

Oh, honestly!

That excuses rudeness and not caring from a supposedly close member of their family?

They can get over themselves

The OP wasn't asking her sister to adopt the baby - just show a bit of love and care

About a week after them meeting, I had to take him to A+E because we discovered he had a hernia. That night we weren’t sure if he’d need an operation. When I messaged her upset and worried, she didn’t even bother to reply and never checked up to see what happened.

She ignored that the baby was taken to A&E and potentially needed surgery and all the health complications before and surrounding the birth. Like I said above, I’m not a rabbit fan but if my friend messaged that her rabbit was at the emergency vets potentially needing surgery, I wouldn’t ignore the messages because I find her pets boring. I don’t have to care about the rabbits, but I do care about my friend and wouldn’t leave her with two blue ticks while she’s stressed, scared and wanting support.

I'm not a baby fan. It is not like she ignored it. She sent congratulations etc. Im sure when your baby is bigger and is more interactive things will change.

Ahe might also be goung through fertility issues , miscarriages etc.

Shes not ignoring you she's just not as engaged as you would like

For example, she may be feeling a bit left behind/ unsure how to navigate a relationship with a sister who she used to feel close to but now is all about the baby. Whether that's right or wrong is neither here nor there if you want a healthy relationship with her.

she might be unsure but the fact is that in the space of 6 months -

• her sister almost died
• the baby her sister was carrying almost died
• the baby was born premature and very underweight
• the baby then had a major health complication, had to be taken to A&E and OP was concerned an invasive surgery might be needed

How did you tell her though?

If you texted her to tell her you'd been in hospital then I think it is fair enough if she texted back
In fact I'd normally respond similarly to how I was approached.

Were you close before having your baby? Has this been a profound change to your relationship or was she always like this about other issues (eg - if you’d have been in hospital pre baby would she have shown the same lack of emotion?)

I don't think the sister actually said "ew" from what OP said
If she did that was awful

I would go and see her and have a chat. Babies can indeed travel for a few hours, or if I felt unable I'd text and arrange a time to facetime. Texts are a really terrible method of communication.

There's no point guessing at why things are this way , and it may be that your perception is different to hers.

For example, she may be feeling a bit left behind/ unsure how to navigate a relationship with a sister who she used to feel close to but now is all about the baby. Whether that's right or wrong is neither here nor there if you want a healthy relationship with her.

Does your sister understand how serious things were? Cause it sounds like you sent her a text and her response was great things are good now - which is eithr extreme don’t care - or thinking this was like wow that was scary but actually it was all fine.

If you’re just texting her, there’s a good chance she thinks it’s smaller things than they are. Because I wouldn’t expect a text or voicemail to let me know my sister is likely to die. I’d expect someone to speak to me in person. So if I got a text saying I almost died - I’d assume it wasn’t literal.

Yes it’s really odd she’s making no effort to visit. But if you want to save the relationship you can’t just hope she does. You need to call her and speak with her. Invite her to visit ASK her to come - let her know you want her to come. And be clear.

It’s weird that she’s suddenly dropped you. She might not like kids, she might have fertility issues, or miscarried the morning you said you were pregnant. She might also be following advice to not impose, all that rubbish. Sure could also just be being a shitty sister at a time when you really need her. Or she’s angry about something you missed or don’t remember. No matter what it is - if you want the relationship reach out.

This

My brother in law and his fiance dont like kids. They still make and effort to interact with her and us. They are family after all and wont be kids forever.

With the way some people speak here its okay to just ignore youre family as soon as they have a child just because they dont like kids. Doesnt take much to check in. When they were originally quite close. Will they all of a sudden be involved when the kids turn 18 or just ignore them as adults too?

Ooh I love this phrase!

I think you are not unreasonable for the way you feel but are unreasonable to consider starting to distance yourself from her.

Does she have children herself? Is she facing fertility issues? How old is she? Is she a baby person?

There are a lot of things I would consider and talk about with her before thinking of not making an effort with her. She could have a lot going on her own life (work and personal) which she hasnt shared with you because of your struggles that are effecting her massively into not making an effort.

You also have to remember that you and your DS are your number 1 at the moment. As hard as it is to heard and know, that isn't how it is for your family and friends. Yes you have had serious health issues but you are fine ultimately.

I'm the older sister with kids, sibling no kids.
He's not interested, his partner used to buy the presents, remember the birthdays.
I noted it but wasn't particularly upset. What has caused me to detach is he only gets in touch when he has a problem or is miserable. He's negative or critical, often disguised as banter, about anything positive in our lives.
This dynamic looks like it's here to stay now, so I just put in the bare minimum. Maybe it's not a kid thing maybe just a misaligned attitude thing.

Does she blame the baby for you almost dying
If she was always close to you perhaps now she is struggling with her emotions and how she feels about you being a mother. Can you ask her?

What was your relationship like beforehand? If you were close then surely you can discuss with her what is the issue. Anyone here can only guess. If you weren't close before, then more difficult, but an are you ok as I haven't heard much from you recently is worth a try.