Do I make the effort with sister who doesn’t like my child?

Hi op,

It is a hard one.
there are loads that you don’t know. She does keep the relationship but she defo took distance. You shouldn’t assume why…

you should check your expectations of her. Except if she said that « When you have a baby, I will… » then it is inly you wanting something that she clearly isn’t in line with.

With regards to your health and her lack of interest on how things are…would you say that you show interest in her these days? Her health? Her work? Her relationship?

Relationships change when big events come and you both have to adjust. I wouldn’t throw it away because it isn’t as much fusional as it was once. Also, you are the one that created that change so maybe tend to her a bit…

Buy her a gift. Make a fuss of her. Make her feel wanted and important.

Good luck 🌺

She loves you, not your child. I don’t know if it’s the same, but I have a great relationship with my cousin. I half brought her up, we’re more like sisters. She’s had dc who I rarely see due to distance so I don’t really know them, although they’re lovely. I’m not really bothered about them, although I remember birthdays and get give them money for Christmas. However, I’m just not really bothered about them. Is it like this for your sister? No doubt if you were physically closer, she’d probably be the doting auntie.

Tell her how you feel and however she decides to respond will help your decision going forward. Have you told your parents how she's been behaving? What's their take on it?

To be honest, it feels like your sister is resentful, jealous, and insecure in her responses. Can she not have children of her own? Struggling to conceive? Even so, it does not justify her behaviour and she will miss out on having a nephew whom might have idolised her.

Where are your parents? Why are you texting your sister all the time? Is your husband around to support you?

I have a newborn too. We didn’t really ‘Announce’ my pregnancy nor are we sharing updates/pictures to anyone unless asked. To me it sounds like you are providing your sister with running commentary of you/baby. No wonder she lost interest. Did you ask how she is?

You mentioned other siblings in one of your posts, I hope they are more supportive?
You also mention that the sister in question is younger? Is she the youngest of you all?
Sounds to me like she is self involved and not that bothered about anyone. It's easy to make the right noises over text without any effort. The phrase 'out of sight, out of mind' is her thinking here and she's just not thinking about you at all. It's very sad for you but I would focus on your other family members and friends that actually care.

This is bollocks.
My cousin had pregnancy complications and had to have a very early Csec to prevent losing both her & baby.
Her baby was delivered very early indeed.
I went to see her in the SCBU. It was very emotional.
I wanted to support her as much as I could.
Sitting in a ward with such tiny fragile lives was so disturbing.
I hadn't had my kids then. But I in no way didn't realise the gravity of the situation!

Your sister has issues. I don't know what they are. But something is up with her. So sorry OP. It must be really hurtful.

Perfectly said, it’s basic decency as a sister to ask how you are after what she’s went through

There’s an awful lot of excuses for the fairly shitty behaviour the sister is demonstrating… I “don’t do” football l, but I’m a decent human and know how important it is to my DH and I listen to him and chat when he talks about his team.
i “don’t do” pets but I’m not a twat and so when my friends dog was having an operation I sent her a text asking how he was getting on and offered any help I could.
i “don’t do” kids that aren’t mine (and sometimes not mine either tbh!)… but I’m not an arsehole so I remember birthdays and ask questions and engage with my family and friends about the little people who are so important in their lives.
If someone is important to you, you make the effort to engage with the things that matter to them.
and not giving a shit about someones near death or someone’s baby being in the hospital, regardless of if kids are your thing, makes you a really scummy human.

I disagree with some of the comments, I really don’t think there is any menace in her behaviour. Either she’s having fertility issues or she is just clueless. Before I had kids, we were totally clueless. I remember a close friend having a baby in scbu, and I honestly didn’t get it. I also visited a friend with a new born and we stayed for ages. Looking back, we were just clueless. We were the first of our friend group to have kids and I’m the youngest in my family. Please just embrace your sister and don’t take it personally.

Yeah, it’s actually took me writing this post and reading people’s comments to make me realise she has always held me at a distance. I feel like I’ve had my eyes shut ignoring it tbh. And I can even understand that she’s probably not doing it on purpose but then because of that I feel like I need to make her aware of it. Me pretending everything is fine isn’t going to do that, it will definitely require an in-person conversation that she can’t ignore.

So she hasn't changed at all then and she isn't going to now. You can't turn her into so,etching different so you either accept that your relationship is always going to be distant or you step back and concentrate on other relationships that are more fulfilling to you. Getting her drunk and forcing her to have a conversation about something that makes her feel,uncomfortable is just you being selfish. Leave her alone.

I have various siblings with various offspring btw. I don't speak to the siblings if I can at all help,it and it wouldn't occur to me to be interested in or bothered about their random children. Family isn't all,it's cracked up to be.

Sounds like she's just not interested in babies. Not everyone is. Its easier to be excited for a child not in your family. When its in your family, you know that other people in your family might also change (for example parents might treat the 'first' grandchild different even if she did have children, or male children differently). I would just focus on talking about other things to her, to show her you're still you, and not everything has to revolve around your child (not saying it does, just that that might be her worry / perception)

Just because you're family doesn't mean there are the ones to give support. Some people are suffers, some people are not interested or are overwhelmed by emergencys and just keep on the perioral.
It's sad that you can't go to her when things have been very scary, but believe her, she's showing you she's not the person for you to go to if you words of care or support.
I'd not seek this out, as you're never going to get it. I'd may h contact and energy like for.looe and not upset myself by expecting something she is clearly not capable of.

Sorry OP it sucks, it does. I hope you and your son are recovering now after such a scary start.

Ok, my husband is a good husband but he’s out every night of the week, that’s my opinion but others can disagree? This is a forum where people give opinions and I have mine same as you have just done

Well the OP of that post doesn't agree with you and it's her opinion that matters.

I’m not wanting to make it hurtful, the simple fact is any sibling or friend who doesn’t bother to see your child/children for 5 years because they “don’t do kids” isn’t a good friend or brother in my eyes and I would think most people would agree.

Yet the OP of that post says differently. Your judgement of her relationship is unnecessary and completely irrelevant, as hurtful as you'd like to have made it.

She didn't say 'ew' though, did she? That's OP's interpretation of her sister's face, not what she said.

Only OP knows what sort of relationship she has with her sister, what it was like before the baby, etc. I can remember telling my brother who kept foisting his children at me and not bothering otherwise that if I didn't have a relationship with him then I wouldn't be that interested in them either, just 'must do' stuff, because.

I get heartily sick of 'tiger mums' who revel in that moniker and inflated importance of their children when they force that on other people. Anybody making me pay court to a baby when my relationship is with their parent wouldn't be on my list either. I'm nice to all children, they can remember poor behaviour their life long and I wouldn't want to be responsible for inflicting that on any child - but they are not my children, they have parents for adoration whose job it actually is.

OP, it's up to you how you manage this, you know how your sister is and whether her behaviour warrants you cutting her off. I think that you could have a conversation with her, tell her that you'll be echoing her effort in future and would she be ok with that? She might though come back to you and say that's fine. Some siblings/family members are low effort, they just are.

It sounds from your updates that she's always been a pretty non-emotional person, and now you've had a health scare and a baby you're suddenly expecting more reaction from her when realistically she's never been someone who does that.

People's relationships change once one side has had a baby.

I don't have kids. I don't want or like kids. And when one of my friends has kids, I literally grieve the relationship I had with them because I know it will never be the same again. It's hard. It's hard not to emotionally distance yourself a bit because you know it's going to hurt and things are going to be very different.

And once someone has a kid, they don't seem to understand or recognise anything outside that bubble any more. They forget that I, too, am a person with an independent life who has my own shit going on that I'm also struggling to deal with on my own. It's nothing personal that I haven't sent an effusive enough text about you giving birth, it's that I have loads of my own shit going on and even sending that short text was a massive effort and I'm even less likely to send any in future if you're going to be off with me about it because I don't have time or emotional energy for the drama.

I think a phone call or a meetup makes more sense as clearly she's not an emotional person over text message, even more so than in real life.

The OP and her baby nearly died. A person is a real dick if they can’t summon up enough energy to care about their sister and neice/nephew’s wellbeing in those circumstances. But I’m guessing you’ll get on well with the sister - you both have similar energy

I agree. Also the OP isn’t some random colleague of hers, she’s her sister. You’d expect a sister to have more empathy, whether or not she likes babies.
Going “ew” at your new niece or nephew is pretty nasty.

Yanbu at all! I’m not maternal in any way but managed to show interest in my sil’s pregnancy as she was my friend. My sister because we are so close was a different thing, it felt as close to having my own as it could get. I was so emotional and overwhelmed as I love her so much and it was a life changing moment, there’s absolutely no excuse for your sisters behaviour unless she just isn’t that close to you and if that’s the case I would stop making any effort too x

That’s not a good friend or brother

It doesn’t sound like your sister cares that much about you OP, never mind the baby.

As this is unusual behaviour for her have you reached out and asked if she's okay.
Do you know if she has anything going on in her life right now that she's keeping to herself so she doesn't pile more on your already full plate?

Hey, don't ask her why she doesn't show empathy. Just ask her if she's okay and see where that conversation takes you.

If she doesn't like it, well, tough luck, she's your sister.