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Original poster

Do I make the effort with sister who doesn’t like my child?

159 replies

MirandaJH · 01/10/2024 10:03

I know I’m probably throwing myself to the tigers but I genuinely want advice so please don’t start judging and cursing me…
I used to have a really good relationship with my sister and her husband even though they live hours away from me- we would make the effort to visit each other often.
But when I was 24 weeks pregnant, me and my baby nearly died due to a medical issue. When I told my sister her response was just a text saying “Oh I’m glad you’re ok now” (despite us not being out of the woods). The rest of the pregnancy was very scary yet she didn’t reach out once to check how I was.
I had a c-section at 36 weeks and he was born under 4 pounds. When I told her, again the response was vague- “congratulations so happy for you” and that was it.
He’s now 3 months old and she’s only visited him once, but only because she was already up North to see someone else. When she met him she just looked at him like “ew” and didn’t acknowledge him the whole time. She didn’t even want to hold him.
About a week after them meeting, I had to take him to A+E because we discovered he had a hernia. That night we weren’t sure if he’d need an operation. When I messaged her upset and worried, she didn’t even bother to reply and never checked up to see what happened.
My birthday was shortly after and she text me to say, “sorry I can’t send you anything cos I’ve had a stressful week at work”.
With Christmas coming up, I feel like not even reaching out or sending her anything, because the fact that she seems to care so little has really bothered and hurt me.
What would you do?

OP posts:
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Original poster
MirandaJH · 16/10/2024 09:18

Just wanted to post an update before the thread closes/disappears/however it works on here haha.
Thank you to everyone who gave me their advice or respectful opinion (the ones who just called me names need to get a hobby). It’s been really helpful to get a different perspective and think about it from her point of view or the experience of others.
Going forward I’m going to match her energy with Christmas (as I’m towards the end of maternity leave so definitely can’t afford to send presents but will find a way to get her something if she sends anything to me). I’m not going to make the 4-6hour journey to hers when I have a baby to consider but will happily see her if she’s making her usual journey up here. Then I will be my usual self with her and have a chat with her about how I’ve been feeling when the moment seems right. Then all I can do is see if she’s willing to take on what I’ve said and explain her feelings too.
I definitely want to keep the relationship but am not willing to make all of the effort, it needs to be shared.

OP posts:
AmIEnough · 09/10/2024 08:37

She’s jealous!

GivingitToGod · 08/10/2024 14:48

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 01/10/2024 10:27

She might be envious. I used to really dislike seeing young women with pushchairs out and about. It was only after I had my own baby that I realised I'd been envious of them. Or it could be that she's just not interested in babies. Maybe when your DD reaches an age where they can interact, your Dsis will be interested. Some people can't handle people they love being ill, either.
I would give her the benefit of the doubt. I would treat her the way you did before the baby.

Brilliant advice

BMW6 · 08/10/2024 14:14

I thought so, its not YOU or your child she has any kind of issue with.

It's everyone - except her DH. I wonder what he's like? How have they managed to form an emotional connection? Or have they?

AmberAlert86 · 08/10/2024 13:42

pikkumyy77 · 08/10/2024 12:09

Dear OP: you are describing a woman with a very strangled inner life. Whether its trauma or ASD or both can’t be determined by outsiders. But please pull back, for your own sake and your mental health. You have been through such a traumatic experience. Its natural to have wanted and expected sympathy, love, care, frim your own sister. But you can’t get blood from a turnip. She can’t be that support. She just doesn’t have it in her.

I agree. It's difficult but you have to come to terms that the relationship you wanted or imagined is not going to happen. I have had to adjust my expectations with my sister myself. Turns out sisterhood is a one way street to some.

pikkumyy77 · 08/10/2024 12:09

Dear OP: you are describing a woman with a very strangled inner life. Whether its trauma or ASD or both can’t be determined by outsiders. But please pull back, for your own sake and your mental health. You have been through such a traumatic experience. Its natural to have wanted and expected sympathy, love, care, frim your own sister. But you can’t get blood from a turnip. She can’t be that support. She just doesn’t have it in her.

Original poster
MirandaJH · 08/10/2024 12:02

BMW6 · 08/10/2024 10:01

What do your other siblings make of her? What's their relationship with her like?

So my big sister also had a baby a few months before me and she’s not shown any interest in that baby either and hasn’t even visited them! We have a brother too who lives far away- I FaceTime him often but I’m not sure how often they speak. When he came to visit she did make the effort to travel a few hours to see him but refused to travel one hour extra to see my sister and her baby.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 08/10/2024 10:01

What do your other siblings make of her? What's their relationship with her like?

BMW6 · 08/10/2024 09:59

Then I really do think she may be ND.

She reminds me of the woman in the novel "Eleanor Oliphant is doing fine". Completely shut down emotionally, avoids personal relationships, "wired differently". Her personality disorder was a result of parental abuse (not saying your sister has been through same, but I did wonder if a possibility)

Original poster
MirandaJH · 08/10/2024 09:52

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Yes I do care how others respond when I almost die or almost have a baby die. If you don’t, you obviously view yourself as not important, which is something you should get professional help for.

OP posts:
Original poster
MirandaJH · 08/10/2024 09:49

BMW6 · 07/10/2024 15:03

I've read all your posts OP and it's interesting that you can now reflect and realise she has never shown excitement even on her own wedding day!

And that she only shows emotion when drunk? And got very drunk when you announced your pregnancy?

Could she be ND? She sounds "wired up differently" and by your accounts this disinterest is nothing new, so I really would try not to be hurt by it.

What's she like with her DH? Publicly affectionate?

Sorry if too intrusive, but what happened to your Dad? What age was she when whatever happened to him happened?

I’ve never actually even seen them kiss each other, even on their wedding day they weren’t that affectionate, but they seem happy together.
So my dad didn’t leave but he was a terrible dad. He was abusive to me but less so with my siblings, I think because I was the accident and looked most like my mum. So I’ve completely cut him off. My sisters haven’t officially cut him off but they never see him and don’t have a good relationship with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MirandaJH · 08/10/2024 09:43

Nightowl1234 · 07/10/2024 14:58

Disgusting comment. She and her baby nearly died. I care and I don’t even know her. Her own sister should care.

Show quote history

Thanks, I appreciate that- I don’t understand the rude comments trying to call me names or put me down, all I’m trying to do is get other people’s perspectives so that I’m able to think from another viewpoint than just my own. 😬

OP posts:
Harry12345 · 08/10/2024 07:39

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In no way whatsoever does the op sound needy, thinking your sister might be slightly interested when you have a baby or nearly die isn’t needy! Jesus I really do wonder what type of relationships people have with family and am so thankful for my relationship with my siblings who would rally round and support me if something similar happened

CowCuddler · 08/10/2024 07:05

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BMW6 · 07/10/2024 15:03

I've read all your posts OP and it's interesting that you can now reflect and realise she has never shown excitement even on her own wedding day!

And that she only shows emotion when drunk? And got very drunk when you announced your pregnancy?

Could she be ND? She sounds "wired up differently" and by your accounts this disinterest is nothing new, so I really would try not to be hurt by it.

What's she like with her DH? Publicly affectionate?

Sorry if too intrusive, but what happened to your Dad? What age was she when whatever happened to him happened?

Nightowl1234 · 07/10/2024 14:58

Ozanj · 07/10/2024 14:34

If she was a brother you wouldn’t find this strange. Get a grip. Most people don’t enjoy other people’s babies until they’re older

Disgusting comment. She and her baby nearly died. I care and I don’t even know her. Her own sister should care.

pikkumyy77 · 07/10/2024 14:48

Just ignore the posts that are rude. You have learned something about your sister which you knew but refused to know:she is selfish and doesn’t care about you. And this is probably a pretty deep seated coping mechanism on her oart.

This has nothing to do with the baby or not liking babies. She will not open herself to potential loss by responding to you now that you have shown her that you could die. Your family (deceased mother/vanished father) functions bit has had a lot of losses and gruefs. Her way of coping is drink and dissociation. I think that when she found out you might die she internally panicked and retreated (flight) from traumatic loss.

Ozanj · 07/10/2024 14:34

If she was a brother you wouldn’t find this strange. Get a grip. Most people don’t enjoy other people’s babies until they’re older

Original poster
MirandaJH · 07/10/2024 14:31

August1980 · 06/10/2024 18:40

Where are your parents? Why are you texting your sister all the time? Is your husband around to support you?

I have a newborn too. We didn’t really ‘Announce’ my pregnancy nor are we sharing updates/pictures to anyone unless asked. To me it sounds like you are providing your sister with running commentary of you/baby. No wonder she lost interest. Did you ask how she is?

My mum is dead and my dad is not in the picture. My husband is around as well as many friends and some family that care about him. But I’m confused by your comment- I’m not constantly texting my sister. I reached out to her when I almost died and lost the baby, then when I had given birth and two months later when my baby was rushed to hospital. In between that I’ve shown interest in her life, despite her ignoring mine. But after the third significant event of her not checking up on me, it’s led me to feeling this way.

OP posts:
pollymere · 07/10/2024 12:10

As our kids grew up, my brother and I didn't see it each other more than we usually did, and any hospital trips were mentioned in conversation at a later date. I think you're expecting your sister to be far more invested in your child than I would anticipate. She's obviously not very maternal yet and babies can feel very uninteresting.

Rhaenys · 07/10/2024 00:38

Even if you don’t like babies/children, to be so unconcerned about your sister’s child is weird.

Toptops · 06/10/2024 21:20

Lostthetastefordahlias · 01/10/2024 10:28

I am sorry you’ve been through all this, it must have been difficult. Your sister’s behaviour goes way way beyond someone just not being interested in babies. There will be something going on there, but it’s probably not going to come out until much later. One of my best friends was like this after my first was born & I was hurt but it was due to her own issues and through just stepping back and accepting that she wasn’t in a place to support me at that time we have rebuilt a good friendship now. Its reasonable you expected support from your sister but I would keep it brief and breezy for now and see what happens.

Good advice imo

toastofthetown · 06/10/2024 19:40

2chocolateoranges · 06/10/2024 19:04

Your child is the centre of your world, don’t expect anyone else to feel the same.

she genuinely might not be interested in children or could be going through fertility issues.

There's not being interested in babies, and there's leaving your sister on read when she's told you that her baby is in A&E and potentially needing surgery.

Desperatetimeshavetoend · 06/10/2024 19:25

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2chocolateoranges · 06/10/2024 19:04

Your child is the centre of your world, don’t expect anyone else to feel the same.

she genuinely might not be interested in children or could be going through fertility issues.