To think nosey mums at the school gates shouldn't be asking me about my family planning?

Honestly, just chat away. Ohh well seehow it goes…blah blah

people are miserable these days!

Its not really a question about fertility when someone is visibly very pregnant is it.

I actually found it helpful when i had a few miscarriages that people talked/shared. I needed to tell people i wasn't ok, and it helped me a lot that people ask how i was, shared their own stories etc.

I had 6 cycles of ICSI with immune therapy and many miscarriages. I don't find the question she asked, in a school playground, offensive or ignorant. There are many more questions that are offensive and ignorant to ask couples going through IVF. Mainly 'why don't you have kids', which I was asked repeatedly. But I was incredibly open surrounding my infertility because the inaccuracies and made up beliefs need stopping.

I’m really sorry you’ve had a tough time. This is a fairly ordinary conversation at the school gate. People do typically share with each other to pass the time and be friendly. Personally I was quite open about my miscarriages so would have answered something like “yes, we would but this baby is a bit of a miracle so we will have to wait and see”

Whilst the question landed intrusively, i think you have to focus on how it was intended (to not be permanently offended by something). I think her intention was superficial chit chat ie oh look lady with bump mind blurts out question about bump. Maybe she got it wrong-we all do
Sometimes as we cant conduct thorough analysis every time we open our mouth. Or we would stand in silence for fear of offending others.

She meant absolutely nothing by it and you are using a lot of energy raging about this.

Not nosiness, she was just clumsily making conversation. I doubt she’ll ever think about you and your family planning again.

Basically don't assume baby is going to make it and that mum hasn't recieved bad news.

When I told my old boss that I was pregnant with DC1 his first question was whether it was planned 😂 I was 30 and had been married for 3 years so probably a good guess that it was planned. And even if it hadn’t been I had to laugh that he thought I’d share that information with him.

I think people genuinely don’t mean to cause offence with these questions, however the best way to shoot them down is probably to say because you’ve had multiple miscarriages it’s not something you feel comfortable talking about.

Note to self: Don't try and make conversation with the grumpy looking pregnant woman!!

That's a good point. It's sensitive to me for all kinds of reasons. But I don't think people are rude to ask. They don't know and are just trying to make chit chat.

The gender/sex question should be avoided. The baby may have potential sex development disorder.

Eh? It’s just normal conversation! Weird reaction .

@YourLastNerve

Surely this is just the basics of social interaction? A smile and a bit of chat about whatever situation you find yourself in. You don’t have to pick a “topic” as such you just shoot the breeze.

I don’t consider any topic to be off limits and would happily talk to anyone about anything from politics to the weather when I knew I was on safe ground.

Going in at a first meeting with a question about someone’s fertility is crashingly insensitive though. I can’t believe people can’t see that.

YANBU - it’s no one’s business, no one knows what anyone else is going through with fertility or finances or relationships when it comes to having children. There are SO many other things to politely chat about at the school gate.

Once again, it’s all about context. The question was asked to someone visibly pregnant and the questioner knew that she already had an older child.

Completely different.

How would people feel if someone started asking you questions about other areas people consider private. Like how much does your house cost? What is your and your partner's salaries?

Not in the least bothered?

My house price is on public information just like everyone elses. You can see it right there on rightmove sold prices.

The job ad for my current job was posted publicly with the salary on, plus there are loads of websites that give you estimates and they are pretty accurate. I'd happily tell someone what i earned. Cultures of pay secrecy tend to negatively impact women, disabled people, and lower earners generally so i really dislike it.

Well said!

Hardly invasive!
Get over it

What you are also failing to realise, OP, is that her question was really code for “how are you feeling?”, something you have just talked about on here. “Will you have any more?” anticipates an answer along the lines of “ well I’m knackered and cannot wait for this to be over, can’t see myself doing it again” or “I’m loving this pregnancy, would happily do it again”, though probably the most likely answer she anticipated was “Ha ha who knows, let’s see how this one goes first!”. Sounds like you see everything in a very literal way.

As an aside, I’m actually really happy to see all the responses on here confirming it’s just normal small talk, as Mumsnet is far too often an echo chamber for people who have disproportionate fears of interacting with anyone outside their family.

OP I 100% agree with you & all the people here saying - relax, you're over-reacting, it's a totally normal question are probably the ones going around asking wildly personal questions at the school gates!

We had a dreadful run of it fertility wise trying to have a second baby with losses & iui & ivf all unsuccessful. And I remember one v insensitive school run mother quizzing me about it at the drop off to a birthday party & I went back to the car & cried.

These questions are not normal chat they're invasive & deeply personal & anyone who thinks it's good topic for idle chit chat really needs to work on their social skills.

We never did manage to have a second child & have endured such a lot of stupid comments over the years.

Honestly I don't think most of the women (& it was always women in my case) who had multiple kids would have liked me asking them somoe of the questions I could have asked!

I have never & will never ask anyone about their family planning.

Urgh yes I hate people who go straight in with questions about your family, your marriage the first time they talk to you. Apart from being potentially intrusive it also implies that that’s the only thing women have to talk to each other about.

Honestly what is ok to talk about?

Politics - No!
Work/job - often no - boring if you don't work in the same sector
Friends/mutual friends - no, or perceived as gossipy
Family/kids - apparently no, you think thats intrusive
Hobbies - can be boring if people don't share them

I like talking about my family kids. Sharing and talking is a factor in forming close friendships

You are being over sensitive, its just friendly chat. Babies/children etc are usually a happy topic.

Honestly these days some people almost have nothing they are willing to chat about, they are quite anti social.

They are often the same people who then whinge they've no friends & have "no-one" to help drop a child to school in an emergency.

People make conversation like this to be friendly, to get to know you, to form friendships.