To think nosey mums at the school gates shouldn't be asking me about my family planning?

First you say ‘it’s definitely a non event’ and in the next breath that OP felt differently and felt uncomfortable.

That alone should tell you not to ask a woman about something so personal.

Would you ask your pregnant female boss if she was planning to have a fourth child whilst she’s heavily pregnant with her third?

my go to topic is nice local cafes or restaurants to go to. Maybe this is an idea?? Just saying …

It is a very personal question, but it's also a very normal one. School gate chat was always different personalities with different levels of tact and intelligence. I've made friends for life and had my share of being offended during school gate chatathons. It's all humanity.

This is the kind of thing I would ask, absolutely not wanting to offend anyone. But mainly because most people are only good at talking about themselves and I’d be grasping at ways to keep the conversation going and be friendly because they don’t ask me anything back.
Is this you OP? If you don’t want to talk to anyone just stand away from people/arrive last.

I get you OP - I’d never ask this question to anyone in’s million years .

there are enough neutral topics to talk about without veering into personal territory

@CuttySarcasm

But if we went around avoiding conversations so as not to potentially offend someone, then it would make interaction quite hard.

I agree in principle and people can be over precious and you can’t go through life avoiding every controversial topic but surely fertility is fairly unique in that it’s highly likely to upset someone.

Talking about the government or the weather… meh, you don’t have to agree with everyone. But asking someone about their baby plans has an incredibly high risk of triggering trauma. I really don’t think this is in the same category.

@Tellysavelas I think saying to a third time pregnant mum are you planning to have any more is a fairly non event.

But enquiring about people's medical history/fertility is definitely intrusive and unwelcome.

But the op felt uncomfortable so it shows we all feel differently.

It’s really not a great quote. It’s nobody’s business and people should not be asking.

Keep to the weather and traffic subjects.

Great quote but not by me 😌

YANBU, OP, as you can see from this thread, lots of people think a pregnant woman’s body is public property that they can touch and enquire about as they want.

No one should be asking you about your reproductive plans.

Idle gossip, in other words.

I'm not interested in having friends who do that.

We struggled for over seven years to have our only child so this is not a question I'd ever dream of asking anyone. Privately I do think it a fairly major social blunder, but a one-word answer and swift change of subject is enough of a broad hint in the circumstances.

Some people are just clueless and not very well endowed with conversational skills. I'd shrug it off as 'small stuff'.

Yes it’s irritating. Some people have no social skills or decent conversation. It’s just the way it is unfortunately.

Being 'nosey', is how humans find out about each other and create friendships

You're obviously pregnant so she's just making conversation. I'd just answer with "haven't decided". It's different when people ask about your baby plans when you're not pregnant and could potentially be going through fertility issues.

That's not nosy.

From your title I thought you meant she was questioning you on contraceptives!

It's just polite chit chat.

I would find it nosy and intrusive. There are lots of other subjects people can talk about without whether or not the OP and her partner are planning to have unprotected sex again.

The weather
Do you have a pet
Are you on Mumsnet
Do you like crafts
Why are the trains late so often
Have you seen that daft film
Nicholas Cage

The list goes on and on.

I read threads like this and wonder about all the ways I have inadvertantly annoyed or offended someone by making inconsequential conversation with them in an attempt at light-hearted, pleasant human connection. 😬

Exactly. I doubt she was in the least bit bothered whether you go on to have half a dozen more. Why would she be.

Some of these responses imply that just because the askers intentions are inane, the irritation caused to the OP doesn't count? I don't feel that's an intelligent way to approach interactions with others. Tolerance is important, but OP is just saying she felt irritated and wanted to discuss that.

You need to practise - ‘oh, I haven’t thought about it! Oh did you hear XYZ about nursery/new local soft play/I wonder what Christmas activities the nursery will put on/doing anything for Halloween?’

Or just start a conversation before anyone else does and then you can choose a topic yourself without having to redirect.

Why didn't you just say "mind your own business" if you found it so unacceptable?

It's not a genuine question it's a typical light-hearted comment usually responded with never again tinkly laugh.

No-one genuinely wants to know, they are simply engaging in well trodden dialogue with pregnant women.

It’s not a court room so you don’t have to give a true answer. It’s ok to give a generic answer like “we don’t know “ or “we’ll see what it’s like being a family of four first” rather than give her a true and detailed answer. I can see why you might not want to talk about it but I don’t think that it’s too invasive.

I just don't think my fertility, family planning choices and - this is a stretch but still part of the question - to some extent, my sex life, is the topic of idle playground conversation

Well, yes, that is a stretch! It’s like saying that everyone congratulating you on your pregnancy is thinking about you having sex, or everyone asking when the baby is due is working out exactly when you conceived your child 😆

Your ‘safe’ examples you gave could easily offend someone - but it’s the intent as much as the subject. Say someone asked you how a particular relative was and if they’d moved house yet - but what they didn’t know was that that relative had died suddenly. Obviously it would be upsetting, but the intent was benign.

This was another mum just chatting about children. Perhaps she was hoping you’d ask her in return so she could talk about her worries or her plans or ask your advice?