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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His parents don't know about us

57 replies

havanar · 30/09/2024 21:26

DP got back together after 6 months apart following an explosive break up (we both acknowledge and agree he was the perpetrator, he is remorseful). His parents were, I feel, over involved in the break up.

He lives with his parents, and lies to them about where he is going when he comes to see me. He also doesn't want me to tell my family (even though I want to) about us, in case it gets back to his as we live in the same town.

We were going to go away and stay in a family friend's apartment in December, he wants me to lie about who I'm going with.

He said that he thinks we should tell me around March time, when we're more "settled".

It's really pissing me off. AIBU???

OP posts:
HazelPlayer · 30/09/2024 21:54

You are a Mum op.

Your stability and happiness and self confidence directly affects your kids, whether you try your utmost to make it not; you don't need this in your life.

If you have a partner you need a really decent one, and he is not sounding like one.

olivepoems · 30/09/2024 21:53

What a total manchild. He doesn't want to tell them until March? How pathetic!

I'd also be suspicious that there's a woman on the scene who is not you.

WalkingaroundJardine · 30/09/2024 21:53

havanar · 30/09/2024 21:42

Do you think you were flamed, or do you think they had a point?

They definitely had a point, I could see where all the responses were coming from.

Even though we on MN get frustrated, we do care about our sisters. Some of the frustration comes out of having made the same partner mistakes when we were younger. I am in my 50s now and look back on my younger self as someone who didn’t have much self worth and so her bar was very low. I really wish I had access to a resource like MN but the internet was like 3 more years down the track 😂

I think you know in your heart your DP hasn’t changed and won’t change. He has probably smeared you to his parents from the previous breakup, hence the secrecy until you had been together long enough for credibility in their eyes. If they accepted his side of the story back then and “don’t like” you, it not exactly great for the future of the relationship. When you marry someone, you also traditionally marry into their family, depending on how close they are.

HazelPlayer · 30/09/2024 21:52

It sounds like he mistreated you.

And now he's still mistreating you.

How come you're being "punished" for his shit behaviour and you're the one having to be kept a secret?

What were his parents told about the break up?
Why would they be unhappy about him seeing you again?

Original poster
havanar · 30/09/2024 21:48

TheShellBeach · 30/09/2024 21:48

Have you got children, @havanar?

Yes, but not with him.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 30/09/2024 21:48

Have you got children, @havanar?

Seas164 · 30/09/2024 21:46

havanar · 30/09/2024 21:30

Because his parents won't like the fact we're together.

Show quote history

You shouldn't like the fact that you're together, fuck what either set of parents think.

If you embroil yourself further in a relationship with a man who's parents were "over involved in the break up" and he as a grown adult has to duck and dive the truth around there is a minefield of stress and heartache for you in future if you ever have kids.

Walk away, find someone better. They are out there, believe me.

TheShellBeach · 30/09/2024 21:46

havanar · 30/09/2024 21:36

I've posted about it a couple of times before, and been flamed for getting back with him.

So I'm reluctant to talk about it again.

Show quote history

Not under this user name.
Are you worried about the likely outcome of getting back with him?

I mean, was he abusive to you in some way?

TheFlis · 30/09/2024 21:45

Will his parents not be happy because they don’t like you or because they know he is not good for you and it’s not a healthy relationship?

Londonrach1 · 30/09/2024 21:42

Why you with someone who wants to hid the fact he is with you. He should be proud he with you. Yanbu and tbh I'd let him go. You worth more

Original poster
havanar · 30/09/2024 21:42

Do you think you were flamed, or do you think they had a point?

They definitely had a point, I could see where all the responses were coming from.

OP posts:
ThatAgileGoldMoose · 30/09/2024 21:41

havanar · 30/09/2024 21:36

I've posted about it a couple of times before, and been flamed for getting back with him.

So I'm reluctant to talk about it again.

Show quote history

Do you think you were flamed, or do you think they had a point? X

Mebebecat · 30/09/2024 21:40

OP he isn't really with you. If he is not telling his family and indeed doesn't want anyone to know he is ashamed of you/just not that into you.
You will not still be together by March if he manages to work up the courage to dump you.
He is pretending his parents will disapprove because he knows it's not worth the hassle of letting them know, as the relationship is going nowhere.
Time for you to end it yourself.

Original poster
havanar · 30/09/2024 21:36

TheShellBeach · 30/09/2024 21:35

Can you tell us about the break up?

I've posted about it a couple of times before, and been flamed for getting back with him.

So I'm reluctant to talk about it again.

OP posts:
ThatAgileGoldMoose · 30/09/2024 21:36

I'd SERIOUSLY rethink this relationship if I were you.

Pussycat22 · 30/09/2024 21:35

I should leave him with his mummy.

TheShellBeach · 30/09/2024 21:35

Can you tell us about the break up?

ManhattanPopcorn · 30/09/2024 21:34

This has disaster written all over it.

OwlishPeering · 30/09/2024 21:34

havanar · 30/09/2024 21:30

Because his parents won't like the fact we're together.

Show quote history

Why not?

Or did they get a different narrative of the breakup, in which he wasn’t the ‘perpetrator’, but you were shagging your way through the local rugby team or something?

loropianalover · 30/09/2024 21:34

I’d be wondering what he’s been saying about you to his parents during the break up…. Anything to make him look better I’m sure

RedHelenB · 30/09/2024 21:33

If you're adults and he loves you he won't want to keep it a secret from anyone

TheShellBeach · 30/09/2024 21:33

DP got back together after 6 months apart following an explosive break up (we both acknowledge and agree he was the perpetrator, he is remorseful)

What did he do to you?

Gcsunnyside23 · 30/09/2024 21:32

Why are you agreeing to being a secret?

TheShellBeach · 30/09/2024 21:32

havanar · 30/09/2024 21:30

Because his parents won't like the fact we're together.

Show quote history

And yours will?

TheShellBeach · 30/09/2024 21:32

So he was aggressive towards you and now wants you to lie to your family?

No way, OP.