DH called me a pathetic b****

I'm not sure the son has said anything 'unkind' to the neighbours, in all likelihood they could have asked if he liked the cupcakes and he could have done what a lot of kids do and thoughtlessly told them the truth. 'I didn't get one, my mum said they weren't very nice so she threw them away'.

I feel like the OP has orchestrated this situation, in doing something completely unnecessary and spiteful (throwing them away), then unnecessarily telling the son about it (which is mean in itself), knowing he may inadvertently relay that back to the neighbours, who have then punished him, then she plays the victim when her husband loses his rag about it happening time and time again.

I've known a couple of people like OP who will do things out of spite, or purposely say things to cause drama or offence and then act innocent and pretend they had no idea of what they've done or said.. then try and lay it on thick about people picking on them..

They aren't very nice people and it wears incredibly thin.

I don't like the use of the word "bitch", being of the view that it is inherently misogynistic, although I know from past threads that isn't close a universal view on here, let alone in the wider world.

I would, however, be interested to hear his side of this. It sounds as though (1) your son would have eaten at least some of the cakes had you not decided to throw them straight in the bin, and (2) you have form for being unnecessarily negative about others, which he was worried would rub off on your child.

Unfortunately, it does sound as though your son has taken your lead and has now said an unkind thing to a generous person, causing them considerable upset - precisely what your husband feared.

I also think it makes a difference whether your husband has just called you a bitch as a general insult, compared to "why do you have to be such a bitch about other people?" Again, I don't like the word so don't like either usage but if it was used to question why you have a tendency to be unnecessarily mean or rude about others, particularly those who have done something nice, then it makes a degree of contextual sense.

And I do feel that, rather than meaningfully reflecting on your own behavior and how it has affected your child, you're now just focusing on your DH's language use to deflect.

Or better ‘I took them into work and my colleagues ate them’

@Teanbiscuits33 Yeah, I’d arse-cover with the neighbours too. In the interest of street relations. It’s best to get on with neighbours and no point falling out over cupcakes.

But as a PP said, the neighbours sound a bit uptight too. Your DS must only be little if going on play dates. I’d laugh if a kid blurted out his mum had thrown the cakes. I’d actually be mortified for her that he’d blown the gaff. I wouldn’t be offended as I wouldn’t want them back. And I wouldn’t assume they’d been thrown to offend me. Some people don’t/can’t eat cake.

Next time, show appreciation, try some with your DS, then if you really don’t want to eat any more, leave them til they go off, then ask your DH if he’s going to bin them.

How controlling to throw away food made for someone else, because you don't deem it to be worthy!

I just can't get my head around why you wouldn't let them try them for themselves, what harm would they have done sat on the side for a couple of days?

Your son is old enough to understand that the neighbours feelings would be hurt if he told them the cakes were thrown away.

How old is he then @MissSkegness1951?

I'm getting the feeling - through the ether - that the OP is an 'I tell it like it is' type. And as threads on here often discuss, that can easily mean 'rude'.

I'm not condoning the DH's language, but I wonder if that's what he's complaining about and that's what her mum is like too. She wasn't prepared to lie to DS, she had to tell it straight. And then is surprised when DS repeats it in all innocence. (OP says this was after a playdate so I'm guessing DS isn't very old.)

he thinks I am too critical about everything, and should just keep my mouth shut. Just not say anything negative about anyone.

Does he really think you should never say anything negative, or is that hyperbole on your part OP? Or is he saying that crticism and negativity shouldn't always be your starting point?

How ungrateful binning the cakes.

Can’t you cover your arse with the neighbours? Say there was a misunderstanding, and you threw them because your family are cutting down on sugar or dieting etc and they went stale after a few days? God knows why you told him the truth, though! Your DH is out of order with his reaction and abuse.

There was a self-help book once called "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff", which seems apposite here.

Well, the blame dies lie squarely with you and you should accept that. You could have let your DH and DS find out the hard way that they weren't nice.

But what you shouldn't accept is the way your husband spoke to you. The cupcake incident is minor compared to that. He was way out of line there.

Is your husband one of those idiots/simpletons that perceives many types of observation as criticism? I cannot stand that kind of black and white thinking. Saying “The cupcakes weren’t very good” is not some sort of harsh, mean criticism. It’s just an observation. It’s also your opinion, which you are entitled to and which he doesn’t get to silence.

Obviously don’t say it in front of your child though. Especially if he is still of the age where he blurts out everything he hears.

First, you’ve been bravely honest. I admire that.

Second, I have some sympathy for your DH’s view. It’s not nice to be overly judgemental, critical or dismissive of people, especially when they’re being kind to you. It often is learned behaviour. And there is a risk it can be passed on another generation. IMHO the lesson for your DS was how kind the neighbours were to invite him over and send you all cupcakes, and how you should all at least share one, cut into smaller pieces, out of appreciation. I’ve given all sorts of weird and wonderful foodstuffs a try on my travels if people have offered it to me as a gesture of friendliness. Your DS is now feeling the brunt of your neighbours feeling disrespected and hurt.

Third, your DH has waved a red flag calling you a b**ch, even during a heated argument. It’s abusive. It’s misogynistic. It’s disrespectful. And in that sense also hypocritical, if he’s urging you to be kinder. If you don’t get a profound and unprompted apology for that, I’d be concerned. But IMHO would help if you recognised his concerns too and apologised for the impact on your DS. Though perhaps you might have already.

He was rude but it sounds like something has been building in him for a while about your negativity and criticisms. That can be hard to live with.

I can’t understand why you told your DS you threw away the cupcakes. You obviously said it in a negative way or told him they were horrible, did you really not expect that would get back to the neighbours?

This is what I thought. They really can't have been that had.

You all need to think before you speak!
You haven't said how old DS is, but " out of the mouth of babes" springs to mind.
DH is nasty for calling you names
You should have left the cakes for DH and DS to taste and kept quiet.

You were ungrateful throwing good food away that had been given to you and the family in kindness.

You were tactless and daft telling your son (and what kind of lesson are you teaching him?)

Your neighbour was OTT and petty taking out their hurt on a young boy.

Your DH is a verbally abusive OTT cunt.

What a bananas soap opera this all sounds.

I want to know more about the cakes. I can't imagine cupcakes so noxious that I would bin them all without letting anyone else try them!

You do sound quite critical. He’s probably embarrassed that the neighbours found out that you binned the cakes.

Well none of you sound nice to be honest. You’ve been ungrateful and nasty about the cakes and you’ve modelled that behaviour to your DS. Your DH’s language is unacceptable though it sounds like he might have a point about you being too critical. DS needs to learn not to repeat everything he hears, though it would be helpful to know how old he is. Neighbours may have overreacted however perhaps there’s a back story here and it was the proverbial straw for them. Have you given them any feedback about other aspects of their life OP?

It was kind of the neighbours to send some cakes and you could at least have let your DS try them, even if you didn't like them. Maybe he would have enjoyed them. Obviously your DH shouldn't call you a bitch, but I can imagine he would be angry on DS's behalf, who is now excluded from a friend's family, especially if you regularly treat family friends and neighbours with so little consideration.

I'd love to hear the DH's side of this. Already it's gone from "DH has placed the blame squarely on me, calling me a bitch, amongst other things. " to "I said he was being ridiculous and the argument just escalated from there."

Always two sides to a story, but OP definitely trying to paint herself in the best light and keeping something back.

Calling you a bitch would be crossing a line for me - has he apologised? Has he called you this before? He seems to apply different standards to himself than to you which sounds misogynistic. You must always be nice but he can be as derogatory as he likes to you to keep you in line? Urgh, sounds gross. How do you feel about being called a bitch? Just because he says it in private doesn't mean your son is not being affected by the dynamic in the house.

The neighbours are spiteful for saying the boy is no longer welcome at theirs

Maybe they just don't want to deal with his rude mother. That's their right. The OP ruined it for him, not the neighbours.

I too don’t understand either why you didn’t just let them try the cupcakes and you told your child you threw them out. Your dh doesn’t sound nice at all, but I can see his concern if your mum is nasty and critical about lots of things and he worries you will be like that. I kind of think you both need counselling.