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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu to refuse to take my dc to their loved activities

195 replies

vintagevallie · 30/09/2024 18:12

Hi

My dc do hobbies that they love. A couple of them require quite a heavy commitment in terms of time and money. My dc are very good at these hobbies and are committed. They could go far and progress well if they wanted to. It does mean training a few times a week for a number of hours.

My problem is we have no help from family. We never have. Everything we do is just us 24/7 with the dc without a break, apart from school.
Both me and my partner work full time. I compress my hours and start later in the morning so that I can do school drop off. It means I work very late every evening to compensate.

I do all drop offs at school. I then do three or four pick ups from school and then all evening running around to these hobbies and clubs. My partner then picks dc up from hobby twice per week and does a weekend drop off and pick up.

What this means is I'm either out of the house working until after 7pm or I'm driving across the city to drop dc off and pick them up. This is on top of school drop and pick ups. It feels like I never just get to have an evening at home before 7/8pm. By that time I'm home to bedtime routines and then by the time that's done I'm getting something to eat and ready for the next day. There is no downtime at all during the week.

I know this is life for lots of people but I just feel so rushed around. I'm in and out of the house like a yo-yo. I never just get to come home at a normal time and have dinner etc

My partner gets 4 evenings a week where they are at home at 5pm latest and they only have to go out two evenings to do a pick up from hobby around 7pm.

It's exhausting and I don't feel like we spend any time together as a family. I don't want to rush around all week barely seeing my children.

However I feel guilty that what I have suggested is my dc give up one hobby. They don't want to do this. My partner does not want them to do this. It would be a shame as they are so good at the hobby and committed.

My partner is not able to change their hours to take on more school runs or hobby runs.
I have always worked flexibly to fit around DCs schedules and school. I'm just getting so fed up of it. It does not help that my job is very chaotic and involves lots of driving around and visiting various places so it feels like I'm constantly on the go no matter where I am.
My partners job is a standard 8-5 at one office so I suppose it feels more manageable.

I just don't know what to do. Is this life for most people with dc. Aibu to want dc to quit something they love for me to have more downtime. I think as the weather is getting worse I am starting to feel it more.

OP posts:
Gimmeabreak2025 · 30/09/2024 19:26

Prioritise family time and your mental health every time

Topsy44 · 30/09/2024 19:26

I don’t think that your DH can’t change his hours at work to help more. I think he is choosing not to do this.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/09/2024 19:26

Your partner needs to do more.

ManhattanPopcorn · 30/09/2024 19:25

Most of my kids are grown up now. I've been doing this parenting thing for a long time. I've seen it all. My prediction is that they're not going to the olympics, they're not playing in the premier league, they won't go to Wimbledon and whatever it is, they'll give it up by their mid teens. Don't run yourself into an early grave trying to facilitate it.

When you all look back at these years it'll be the relaxed family time that you will all look back fondly on, not the stressed out hours driving from activity to activity.

Blanketyre · 30/09/2024 19:24

SpaghettiBolognesi · 30/09/2024 19:22

OP,you sound exhausted. You might get ill, or die early from all this hassle.

Your husband needs to flex his hours, he needs to talk to his boss about it. Then he can do either drop offs or pickups.

50/50, please look after yourself 🙏

Edited

Die early??!?

BettyBardMacDonald · 30/09/2024 19:24

The breakfast club idea sounds reasonable.

Birdseyetrifle · 30/09/2024 19:23

Mine does quite a few hobbies but he gets himself to them and back as he has a yearly bus pass.

How old are your children?

SpaghettiBolognesi · 30/09/2024 19:22

OP,you sound exhausted. You might get ill, or die early from all this hassle.

Your husband needs to flex his hours, he needs to talk to his boss about it. Then he can do either drop offs or pickups.

50/50, please look after yourself 🙏

nutbrownhare15 · 30/09/2024 19:22

If you can't liftshare with other parents and DH can't step up due to working hours I would say it's reasonable to ask each child to give up one activity each. You need time for family time at home too.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/09/2024 19:22

Your DH clearly needs to be doing more. Picks ups that happen after 5pm, cooking and cleaning, getting people to bed so that your evening can begin before they are asleep.

Lofs of options for him to take the stress off you.

When I stayed reading i thought you were going to be a single parent and then realised there’s a DH in all this!

Singleandproud · 30/09/2024 19:21

User147 above brings a good point although I take a different perspective.

Are your children academic? Going to school everyday when you aren't can be awful, having something outside of school that you are good at and are confident at is an absolute life saver.

In terms of your autistic child just be aware that she'll need more time to decompress as she moves to secondary school.

Blanketyre · 30/09/2024 19:18

user1471516498 · 30/09/2024 19:17

When my children hit high school age, I made them drop all extra curriculars for the first term. My rationale was that I wanted them to fully focus on building routines and homework. From then onwards, they were allowed two evening activities, and nothing that finished after 7.30pm until they were 14. I didn't"t worry about them having too much time on their hands, as they had to do two hours of schoolwork a night. If none was set by the school, I set it.
However good they were at an activity, school comes first. With that in mind, I would be tempted to knock the sport on the head now, however good they are. It will be a lot more painless to do it when they are younger than to have battles about it later.

I definitely wouldn't do any of this.

I slogged for years. Slowly things got dropped. They all still play sport at uni, they are healthy and active and we have some great memories.

user1471516498 · 30/09/2024 19:17

When my children hit high school age, I made them drop all extra curriculars for the first term. My rationale was that I wanted them to fully focus on building routines and homework. From then onwards, they were allowed two evening activities, and nothing that finished after 7.30pm until they were 14. I didn't"t worry about them having too much time on their hands, as they had to do two hours of schoolwork a night. If none was set by the school, I set it.
However good they were at an activity, school comes first. With that in mind, I would be tempted to knock the sport on the head now, however good they are. It will be a lot more painless to do it when they are younger than to have battles about it later.

DecafDodger · 30/09/2024 19:15

You say DH can't change hours but does standard 8-5 office. Has he asked? There aren't that many dinosaur workplaces nowadays that require butts on chairs til the last minute.

Chocoholic900 · 30/09/2024 19:13

Not only do you need down time, the children do too. They need unstructured time after school to decompress, relax, play.
I'd definitely have both drop 1 activity - they are only children for such a small time, they don't need to be rushed off their feet. If they've got one activity they are strong in, then do that one and maybe 1 other that only has a small time commitment.

MumChp · 30/09/2024 19:13

vintagevallie · 30/09/2024 19:01

One of my dc now competes at national level. She is amazing. Naturally talented at this sport. We only knew about it because we took her to a class and they pulled us to one side. I'd be happy for her to continue this because she loves it and could go far. She does compete at weekends too.
Other hobbies are dance and things like uniform hobbies and instruments. There is often shows to practice for and that involves more hours and weekends.

I am happy they are so committed and good at something. I can already see one dc losing interest as she prefers to go see friends.

Part of me feels that you should not be limited to hobbies because they may become careers or you may carry it on until adulthood but part of me resents the hobbies that are just fun and a road to nowhere but take up so much time

Let dd do the national level sport - and skip dance or music.
No child needs to do national sport level, dance and music classes.

MumChp · 30/09/2024 19:12

Let dd do the national level sport - and skip dance or music.
No child needs to do national sport level, dance and music classes.

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 30/09/2024 19:12

God, I read posts like this and I'm so glad my two just did the usual swimming lessons, cubs/scouts, youth club, meeting friends, etc. I'm definitely not cut out to spend all my free time in the car not having an hour to myself.

Changethetoner · 30/09/2024 19:11

Could you move into town? Living rurally always means mum and dad have to be taxi, as there is no other options. But in town there are buses/real taxis
....

babyproblems · 30/09/2024 19:11

Your DH needs to do more.
keep the hobbies going, agree with pp it will keep them busy as teens. As soon as one of them drives your life will improve dramatically!
the problem is your DH not helping enough. Alternatively- can you share lifts with any other parents? Buses? Even a taxi once a week would give you a bit more time even if it costs.

Blanketyre · 30/09/2024 19:10

I did this for about 4 years. I don't regret it at all, it does get easier.

Tiswa · 30/09/2024 19:09

vintagevallie · 30/09/2024 18:47

I only have two dc. I meant that I do 4 picks ups per week.

I suppose I needed to hear that I should suck it up. I agree. I just feel permanently stressed. I think maybe addressing my diet may help as I'm anaemic.

Dh does one dc bedtime but one dc will only allow me to do bedtime as she is autistic.
Chores are shared equally.

Are the pick ups included so you do less others because you do more running around

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 30/09/2024 19:09

You are sacrificing evening time that could be family time for mornings that are rarely quality time.

can you use a breakfast club /before school childminder that dh drops to, and you use your flexi time to start early then have time in the evenings. It will mean paying for before school childcare but does mean you might get the life balance back.

its not long before they are secondary age and can get buses/trains to/from activities and school. Hang in there.

MumChp · 30/09/2024 19:08

vintagevallie · 30/09/2024 18:47

I only have two dc. I meant that I do 4 picks ups per week.

I suppose I needed to hear that I should suck it up. I agree. I just feel permanently stressed. I think maybe addressing my diet may help as I'm anaemic.

Dh does one dc bedtime but one dc will only allow me to do bedtime as she is autistic.
Chores are shared equally.

You get sick if you suck it up.

What is the hobby?
Your DH need to step up and help work out a plan for your children.

Ophy83 · 30/09/2024 19:06

vintagevallie · 30/09/2024 18:47

I only have two dc. I meant that I do 4 picks ups per week.

I suppose I needed to hear that I should suck it up. I agree. I just feel permanently stressed. I think maybe addressing my diet may help as I'm anaemic.

Dh does one dc bedtime but one dc will only allow me to do bedtime as she is autistic.
Chores are shared equally.

He needs to do more of the chores as you are running around. Does he at least cook dinner for everyone on the evenings he is home first?