Aibu to refuse to take my dc to their loved activities

I think that your DH might not be able to do more pickups, but he can probably do more at home so that when you get home you can put your feet up a bit (apart from bedtime with your DC with autism - but even there worth working at it a bit / persisting with whatever you’ve been trying to get some more flexibility).

I think you can say to him look, if you’re so keen for them not to quit what are you going to do to support?

I’m always amazed at people who don’t get this. I had an office job where working hours were 9-5, not customer-facing, no taking calls. Didn’t really matter what hours the work was done in. Asked manager if I could do 8-4 as there were direct trains, 9-5 meant a walk across the city of around half hour and me obviously having to leave earlier/get home later. It was a flat ‘no’, just because she could. I have had several bosses like this, it’s the reason I will never work in an office again (unless p/t) and why I work shifts as I can’t be made to stay beyond the time on my rota.

OK, so it makes sense for her to continue the sport she is so good at.

"Other hobbies are dance and things like uniform hobbies and instruments."
Are you listing the hobbies done by both children or are all these done by just one child?
Can't they do music lessons in the school day? Many schools offer that as an option.
I would allow each child to do one sport, plus one other hobby outside school - unless they both want to do the same hobby, in which case I would consider allowing a third hobby. Anything at school (eg lunchtime or after school club) wouldn't count as it wouldn't involve extra journeys.

I have two children, and can't imagine spending my evenings and weekends ferrying them around all the time. If you can't work out some lift shares and your DH insists that he can't be more flexible with work (if he has an office job I find that hard to believe...) then they do have to reduce the hobbies.

The dilemma is everyone's. State that the current arrangement isn't sustainable for you. Ask your dh to suggest changes and problem solve. Be willing to compromise on details, but not the principal that too much is falling on you and you can't keep doing it.

Find a way to enjoy your time around the hobby. Take brisk walk or fitness run. Read book, podcast.

It’s just what you do, find a way to enjoy it.

I think you and your partner should review all of your household and childcare activities and adjust so an equal share falls on each of you. That's going to look different for every couple/household, and it may end up being more for one partner if the other has (for example) longer working hours or a big commute, but the goal should be that you each have roughly equal downtime.

My dh can't pick up more of the running around because hobbies start before 5pm when he gets home. Can he use his lunch time (rescheduled, obviously) to pick up some of the driving tasks and then return to work? Any possibility he could work remotely one or two days a week? If his job is really rigid, has he considered moving to a different role or employer?

If you haven't already, it's worth checking with coaches/activity leaders, especially for your child who competes nationally, just to see if there may be any resources you're not aware of to help with transportation.

Sorry but having children doing activities every night is asking for problems. they need downtime, they need to just chill. They need to find out about themselves and not be always doing things. Life is not a distraction.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and see how you can share the load... and decide if some activities need to be dropped.

In my experience, we have often reached the limit where something pushes us over the edge, we drop something, and it is manageable.

Working in the evening after you have been driving around, is a killer.

Maybe your husband could work flexibly one day a week, so you could stay as late as you need to, to get all of your work done and he can do school pick up, driving around, dinner and bed. If you are not there.... will you daughter who prefers you to do bed time, be OK?

Your dh needs to step up. Why can’t he put in a flexible working request for 1 day a week?
for the instruments- can you change to a day time lesson through the school? Some schools do during break or they come out of the lesson for a short time.

This is where other parents come in. Surely you know others from school and their hobbies? You chat to them, make friends and try some kind of carpooling thing.

I would keep up the sport. There is little sport at many schools and as a society we have too many sedentary teens on screens. No they may not be national level as teens that's not the point. DS has got so much out of sport from fitness to friendships. He was never a high flyer but I ferried him all around the county and that was a time of many chats. It's been the route to great friendships now he's at university.

I would drop the uniform activities. Presumably the two DC are attending different groups at different times?

I would certainly be expecting DH to make the evening meal if he is home at 5 and not ferrying the DC around. Or he could use his time to catch up on the washing/ironing/cleaning.
If one of the DC is national level at their sport, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask them to give up Brownies, piano etc as the demands are only going to get worse. With music at least, they could surely practice at home, maybe following a you tube demo, without having the need for formal lessons.

Sorry if you’ve answered this, but why can’t your DH pick up more when he gets home. He should have a quick break then be putting a wash on, planning the food for the next day (lunches and dinner, ideally cooking the dinner so you can just re-heat), sorting uniform/ sports kit for the next day and getting ahead with the bedtime routine (PJs on bed, toothbrushes found etc). If you’re not back until 7/8 he’s got between 2-3 hours to do something useful. Then when you get back you can just chill out.

Could you also consider taking one of the weekday nights when he picks up for yourself, so dropping the kids and then going to the gym/ swimming/ hobby/ whatever whilst he picks up and does bedtime?

But yes, this is the life of a parent- the good thing is it doesn’t last for long in the grand scheme of things. And as your kids get older they will start doing more on their own, they certainly won’t need putting to bed!

The other thing is that you should both be getting some time to yourself at the weekends too, that makes a huge difference.

Boarding school isn't a great help if you struggle to organize your life without one.

So you do all the school runs, 3/4 of the hobby pick ups and all of the hobby drop offs plus all of the cooking and cleaning. You are being taken for a mug.

I don't think you need to worry about depriving dc of a hobby career. It's unlikely. Most children do go to activities. It's normal. It would be mean not to do activities but find stuff closer to home. Most of our activities are fairly local.

I don't actually think YABU. I'd suggest some changes. Your DH is getting an easy ride. Put your foot down or you will be walked all over.

But why isn't he cooking if he's home and you're not? You imply you're having to come in late and make your own meal

@user1471516498 My DDs went to boarding school for y7. They started with 1 hour prep per night. They did loads of extra activities and kept up with what they had started in primary school. So lots of dance, music, choirs and sport. They added more school activities as they became available. It made them educated in the broader sense and well rounded people. Their hobbies were pleasure. On Sundays they sometimes went on House trips and just relaxed. Sometimes it was chapel. Saturdays might be at home or watching sport. As they got older there was more prep but at y11, one of my DDs had 10 activities on the go. Some people just multi task very well. I’m y11 she had dropped one thing and did 10 GCSEs. 9 A stars.

I took them to multiple activities at primary and DH did sports on Saturdays with them. Boarding was respite!

I don’t think you need to suck it up. As pp have said, DH steps up and does more, or you pay for help, or one or more hobbies is dropped. Or one of you reduces your working hours. This is no way to live.

Mine never thought they'd make sport their career. That's no reason not to throw yourself into it if you want.

Oh you would clearly be surprised how negative sone companies will be

To be honest I'm really against the notion that primary aged children need to be "training" at a hobby for hours and hours multiple times a week. For almost none of these children does it become a career.

I'm really clear with my kids, hobbies are for fun & enjoyment, to gain some skill, not to attempt to go pro. They are a leisure activity. Hobbies need to be balanced against children having time for education, with family, with friends, for playing and just down time/relaxing. That includes getting to bed at decent hour.

If the hobby is football, just remember:
98% of all players who get into a professional club academy never get a professional contract.

99.8% of those kids in academies will never play in the premier league.

Out of every 1000 lads in academies, only 2 will make it. 2.

I feel your pain! I have 2 children both with different interests.

I do 8 different drop off and pick ups a week. My husband occasionally does a pick up if he makes it home from work in time.

Indeed - if he can't help with the running around he can be making dinner and cleaning the house and other stuff

Also think about how to fit "you" time into the running around - sit in the car with a great book or ur knitting or go with your running shoes on an get a short jog whilst you wait for them - whatever would make you feel good to fit into your week

Can you drop them off and DH collect? We were in much the same situation, but once DC started secondary, we also said she had to get herself to her clubs. This means we only collect her now (although DH reckons she could come home alone, I think she's too young). DC1 takes himself and comes home alone for a couple of years now. I still do all the national weekend runs though.

if you put a time limit on it, it's easier. Look to DC getting themselves to their activities alone around Easter of Yr 6. It'll seem easier if you have a plan of when it ends.

How many children do you have?
How many hobbies does each of them do?
Is there no way your DH can add some flexibility into his job - even if it's just one day a week to collect from school and take them to the hobby he suggested?
Does the school offer clubs at the end of the school day that they could do instead of some of the other hobbies? If they both did club after school at the same time it'd be no extra work.