Aibu to refuse to take my dc to their loved activities

How old are the children? Could they travel independently to their practice. Either by taxi/bus? Could you carpool with other parents?

I am lucky in that I am only involved in taking DC3 and DC4 to the same activity with DH on one weeknight, but the rest DH does willingly himself in the evenings.

Disagree.

They have 2 parents. He allowed them to pursue the interests, too, but expects his wife to make sure it happens while he kicks back at home on a nice work/home balance.

He needs to sort his hours and find a way to do more if he wants them to continue.

They don't have to quit entirely. Just reduce it and instead of training intensively/competing, just enjoy doing it for fun. Do it in a way thats easier on you - pick a local club, preferably one they can walk or bike to by themselves in secondary rather than one you've to drive a long way for. My kids do sports but its just an hours class once a week in the nearest club. its not super competitive but its fun & active.

Your husband needs to do more around the house. It doesn't sound like you have an equal division of labor at all. If you are getting the kids to school, then working, then picking them up and taking them out and then having to go back to work he should have dinner ready and be doing the cleaning for that day.

DC 1 has a part time job so needs ferried to that at weekends, which sometimes clashes with DC2's sport activity.

DC3 has classes on a Tues Wed Fri and sometimes Sunday morning and afternoon.

DC4 has classes on a Friday only.

We have one family vehicle.

Some classes have had to be turned down as clashes time with other established activities. Children need to be aware of this OP! Nobody expects you to run yourself ragged. Like you, we have no family support.

Are they really passionate about all their hobbies, or do they just prefer one and do the others out of habit? If they love them I would try to make it work somehow. Perhaps by using the nanny option once or twice a week if it's affordable? They probably will not continue all of the hobbies indefinitely. My children loved their sports and then suddenly refused to go anymore. I was really disappointed but found I loved having Sundays with nothing planned.

Mid primary is a really tricky age for activities. They are starting to get good at things that require commitment, but not yet ready to drop other things they enjoy in favour of just one or two. We largely escaped the difficulty ourselves by having chorister children - so at this age, it was choir first and almost everything else was done at school. I teach violin and several of my students are juggling multiple commitments with an awareness that at some point something will have to give ... but putting off when that "some point" actually is.

I do think that trying to find some way to share with other families until your children are old enough to do some of the travelling independently, would be worth pursuing quite actively - perhaps for getting from school to activities? The other awkward thing to consider is what, as parents, you might be willing or able to sacrifice for your children if they are at national competition level - I understand there are quite a number of areas where that level of performance ends up needing a non-working or at most part-time working parent to actually support and sustain what is required. Good luck figuring it all out in a way that works for your whole family.

I'm not being unsympathetic but isn't the whole juggling act of parenting stressful?
Getting up early, taking child to childminder (no car), rushing to work ( no WFH), arranging pick ups, rushing home from work, getting dinner ready etc. dropping off to clubs.
OP, you have been able to negotiate your work start time to accommodate school runs, that is a massive plus and wasn't an option for me or many others.
The responsibilities of parenting are like being on a hamster wheel for many; you never stop.
As your children are really enjoying these activities, I feel it would be unfair to stop them. Having no outside help is hard, I totally appreciate that.
I don't have any answers. Take care, hope you are sleeping OK

Your DH should do this www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/flexible-working/applying-for-flexible-working/

If your dh can’t do any of the drop offs /pick ups and you need to work full time and fit in these clubs, then you need childcare. Mornings make the most sense. You can start super early and dh can be in charge of getting dcs to breakfast club/childminder. no more working in the evenings.

OP is already doing more than her DH, I don't see why she should have to reduce her work to 80% so she can do even more. Why couldn't they both reduce their hours to 90% so they both have more time for sharing the load with the kids and chores?

Would it be worth seeking a local childminder for before school/ to drop off?

That way you could start much earlier, especially if your partner could take them on the way to work.

Get the extra hours done before and then you don't have work to fit in later. I find you can really plough through work at 7am. Morning is always more productive than later on the day.

If your husband has a “standard” office job his employer will have a tough time declining a flexible working request for him to finish at 4pm for example on a day or two, and he can catch up in the evening. There are limited reasons employers can decline flexible working - would they really all apply?

I fear he might be conveniently not trying too hard to adjust his schedule….. it sounds like even one day a week where you finish on time and are off duty would make a big difference to you OP. Id help him draft a flex working request and see what happens before making the kids give something up.

I agree with this. It seems like your DH has shut down the suggestion of him adjusting his working hours early on, so the responsibility automatically falls on you. And you have obliged by picking up the slack.

He can (if he wants to) put in a formal request to accommodate his caring responsibilities, especially as your kids are still young and one has additional needs. He doesn't have to go into detail about the kids being potential world champions, just that he needs to be able to collect (or drop) them from school more.

Many jobs are easily able to accommodate this type of request whether it's professions, office work, trades etc Possibly not an oil rig, but you get my drift?!

Help him draft the formal request to his manager/HR. His enthusiasm for this will confirm whether you've a scheduling problem or a DH problem. Good luck!

You do know that anaemia, if it gets bad enough, can cause heart failure? That's how. It can mess you up good and proper. I'm not going to go in to some long winded explanation. Suffice to say, I know all to well just how much permanent damage it can do.

OP, if you're already anaemic, please try to eat well. If it's already affecting your appetite, go to the GP before it gets worse. Believe me, you don't want that.

As for the hobbies. Ask yourself and DH what happens if you become seriously ill from all this running around and cannot work or look after the kids. Will he still insist they do everything with only one income and with him having to do it all.

I have the same But I’m on my own. Not meant as a “Ive got it worse than you” post! More a “I totally sympathise” post, my day starts at 5:30 getting up and ready and packed Lunches etc then log on to work, break to do kids brekkie and school drop off, work, pick them up, early tea and then 4 night a week evening activity runs with the other one doing homework / screen time in car, then 1 day of games at weekend, it’s relentless and my evening Only
starts at 10:30 when they’re in bed and everything is ready for the next morning. It’s hard but as others have said it’s temporary and I just suck it up. Be glad you can share some of the load 🤍

You are doing too much and you will burn out.
Your partner is not doing enough.
Are they doing extra chores between 5-7 that you are running around?
If not you are being run ragged.
I would be looking at everything and saying that something has to give.
I was run absolutely ragged by tennis for years, as my daughter was super talented and playing a very high level, and I wasn't working.
Two years ago at 15 she said no more.
Thats it, done.
It happens!
Protect your health.

Exactly, good old family quality time is far more important than parents running themselves into the ground with burnout. No need to suck it up op just because you have children and feel like you have to give every inch of your being to make a good parent.

Tbh, most children would only do this one if it's a national level hobby. This and school is a lot!

God I so agree with this. Don’t martyr yourself so she can do all of these hobbies, it’s unnecessary and you’ll run yourself into the ground. The national level sport obviously sounds the one to stick with.

Your husband needs to do more. Has he asked ti change his working hours or just assuming they won't let him? Why are chores split 50 50, when you're doing an absolutely huge additional chore on top? If there is an hour of driving kids around and an hour of house chores, he should be doing the whole hour of chores as otherwise if you split that hour 50 50 you are doing 90 min to his 30 - 3x as much!

I'm also really confused by the working hours and routines. I can't picture how it works.

You said DC are primary age, do they go to breakfast club (7.45am til school starts) ? If not why not?

Second, have you considered a 4 day workweek? Either 4 days with 1 day off, or 4 days worth of hours spread across 5. Before you jump to saying no on basis of money, put your salary x0.8 into a tax calculator. You might be pleasantly surprised. Anyone can request flexible working, reduced hours being one option of many. The gov.uk website is very useful on what your rights actually are.

Ultimately you being burned out helps no one and will undermine many of the goals you have for yourself and DC, so take control now to avoid it.

I’ve been there, although mine did sport to high level plus cubs/ brownies etc and nothing else. DH and I both drove miles every night taking 3 dc to different centres for training, one of us out until 9pm each night, as well as morning training leaving the house at 4.30am, around our jobs. I worked school hours to fit round the dc.

As your dc are mid primary ( 7 - 9?) they are probably still enjoying trying out different things, but we got to the point we said it’s your sport or it’s the other activities not both. Two dc had to choose between their two sports as couldn’t continue to do both due to the amount of training as they progressed.

We were constantly shattered but we did it for 12 years until the youngest stopped their sport age 16. I don’t regret it because they got so much from it, including amazing organisation skills, determination and ambition, and friendships which have lasted years and will continue.

Will the dc doing national level have to increase their training? If so they need to decide if they are willing to give up other hobbies for this, in which case could you suggest they give them up now rather than in the future?

The only way to do this long term is teamwork between you and DH and it sounds like he needs to pick up more at home.

Is your DP/DH their dad?