Aibu to refuse to take my dc to their loved activities

I agree. And it really annoys me why people can’t just say my daughter, son, husband, mother etc instead of the ridiculous DC,DS,DH, DM etc which is very distracting as you have to read it and work out who is who!😂

I agree your husband needs to step up - my ex worked in Engineering he said it was impossible to flex - but over time (especially during COVID) I learnt others had negotiated he just preferred not to. But It meant I developed a network of other parents and we share drop-offs and pick-ups for hobbies, parties etc and when he left there was zero adjustment required.

DH doesn’t need change all his hours, one day would be a start.
If you take them to activities can he not pick up on his way home?

YABU sorry. You committed to these hobbies, it’s not fair if you stop them. My kids were like this, I was forever running them round from place to place, they were eating dinner in the car etc. But it does get easier as they get older as they will probably drop one or more activities through their own choice.

Hobbies are so good for them - they get a wider social circle, good for their, health, helps gain confidence etc. Plus it keeps them off screens and away from trouble. Keep going if you can.

I’m a big believer in enriching children’s experiences outside school but all this is madness - surely your work performance is affected by the fact you are running from pillar to post from 3pm onwards and regularly doing a proportion of your working day in the evening?

What about homework and support for their curriculum learning? That will need to be allowed more time as the years go by.

Do your children get time to do the other enriching things: playing with friends, board games, going on day trips, gardening, crafts…?

I suggest each child reduces down their hobbies as they reach a certain age - perhaps age 10? They will each have had the same number of years to experience it, but it will reduce your load and leave space in their lives for school work and other things as they move towards secondary school.

If there was another lockdown tomorrow, what would they miss most? What would you resume afterwards?

Look OP you both made a rod for your own backs a bit here but they are mid primary and my DD15 did loads of activities then. You will pair them back anyway as they hit secondary school as they get more tired through puberty and have more homework.

I'm a lone parent, always have been so I do understand the exhaustion levels.

Your DH sounds like an arse BTW

Don't really understand why your partner can't do more pick ups if they finish at 5pm?

I think it's wonderful that your children are so committed to their hobbies. Well done for giving them this opportunity... try not to take it away...

Do you mean equally as in 50/50 or fairly as in you both have the same down time? Because it doesn't sound like the later and the first isn't fair at all. If you do more hobbies he needs to do more dinners and chores. Write it down, the hours you do and the hours he does and see how they compare. If he is saying it's important for the kids to do their hobbies and he can't facilitate that then he needs to pick things up in other areas before you end up burnt out.

It does sound tiring but also really positive that your kids have hobbies they love. It really won’t be forever.

of my 3 dc have a hobby they’re into and go separately to it 5 times a week. I am a single parent although do lift share sometimes with another mum which helps, plus it’s not too far away. But I know what you mean about yo yo ing in and out of the car.

their hobby stops in school holidays and I love the holidays for that reason 😆
but then term is always only 10-12 wks so I just get through it.

DH would share with me - if I dropped them off he picked them up. And we'd also find other parents happy to share lifts.

I definitely couldn't do this, I would 100% burn out but then so would my kids as they are not cut out to have no down time, I know others are different. Having seen some friends with older teens as well, most of them have dropped all their hobbies and it does make you think, was it worth all that running around? I would keep the ones they are really good at and drop the others or make your partner do more if they really have to keep them all.

Why sign them up for so much in the first place?

I agree with this. I don't understand this need to overschedule children with extra curricular activities when they've been at school all day. It doesn't do anyone any favours. Children need downtime and time to "be". They need time to spend wirh family and friends too outside organised activities.

I don't agree you need to suck it up either. Being burned out and stressed does no one any favours and your children will benefit more from happier, relaxed parents than they will from their activities. Definitely limit and drop activities, children need to learn that all the needs of the family need to be met in order for the family to function well.

My problem is we have no help from family. We never have. Everything we do is just us 24/7 with the dc without a break, apart from school.

No, your problem is your idiot H who signed your kids up for hobbies that he couldn’t fully commit to and then has the bare arsed cheek to object to dropping a hobby that is exhausting you. As far as I’m concerned your H is the problem.

DD dropped ballet when getting there on time because impossible. As a single parent I’ve had to make decisions for the good of the whole family and that includes it’s OG member, me.

I agree with this. You don't have to martyr yourself just because your kids want to do scouts and swimming and volleyball and hockey and trampolining and and and ...

It's nice at primary age to want to try things, but it doesn't need to be taken to extremes. Kids have no idea of their own limits or what's a reasonable burden for a parent to take on.

You are working hard and wanting some downtime isn't unreasonable at all.

The permanently feeling stressed cannot continue, you will burn out. Or worse, as stress is the leading cause of so many other diseases and conditions. on a basic level it makes your everyday life rather miserable. Why should your health and well-being come last?? I cannot believe some posters are saying, suck it up. Why should you when your health might be at risk? You're the adult here, make the decision that the children need to drop a hobby. Your dc need a mum who's well more than they need hobbies.

There's no need nowadays to be stuck with a set schedule like that at work, there's so many more rights for workers nowadays and he has the right to have them just like anyone else.

?
Lots of jobs require people to be available at regular hours and can't accommodate flexible schedules.

Why would you think otherwise? Do you imagine everyone works independently in an office job?

It's not unreasonable at all.

Just because a child likes and is good at something doesn't mean it is possible for them to do it. There are all kinds of other constraints, other kids in the family, parents activities, money, time, etc.

It can feel like the end of the world if they don't do it now, but frankly, it isn't. They can always go back to the activity later on when they are more mobile themselves or even as adults. (And the fact is, most people don't keep up most of their childhood activities as adults. Not none, but it's more common than not.)

There is also a lot of value, which gets ignored, in being home together as a family, sitting down to dinner, and eating a reasonably healthy meal at a table. Being on the go constantly tends to correlate with poor diet and eating habits because something has to give, and often it's resorting to poorer food choices eaten in the car.

I often do it here. I want to maintain privacy.

Right so you have 2 dc 5-11

One is Autistic and only allows you to put to bed

I work with an autistic boy and know how hard this can be but I really would work on dad helping to put her to bed

What would happen if you had to go to hospital /away for work or just couldn't do bedtime

How would she cope ?

Dh works till 5 and can't change hours

You dash about trying to pick up from school and take to hobbies and collect

Seems to me you need to buy time
And that means paying for childcare

Whether putting into breakfast club so that dh can take them there and go onto work

Or finding an after school nanny who is happy to drive to/from clubs

Even if so for 2/3 days to ease burden for you

@vintagevallie We have primary aged children and no family suport (as we are living abroad at the moment) so I understand the situation.

The children will survive with one hobby less. However, your mental and physical health may not, if you continue this way.

What is this doing to your relationship with your husband? If you are exhausted, and a little resentful of each other over this issue, are you having date nights and maintaining your relationship as a couple? Children thrive emotionally when they are raised in warm and loving lone or dual parent households where they see/experience affection - and so do we.

Reducing the load should be seriously considered - either by car pooling, reducing the hobbies or by DH changing hours and carrying a little more.

When we faced this, we decided to reduce hobbies and instead encourage our children to become avid readers, and to do one sport and one musical instrument per week. The guilt has subsided and I now get to have current affairs discussions to the accompaniment of Bach in the evening.

It is important that they have one club activity per day at secondary as that helps round them as people but also keeps them busy - which is the strongest antidote to a sedentary social media lifestyle and all of the associated online harms, risks of sleep disorders, cognitive and attention disorders, depression, and risks to general mental wellbeing.

It may be that you have to swap the rural location for suburban when they go to secondary.

Can you share lifts?
WhatsApp is your friend for arranging lifts with other families involved in the same activities

"He cooks all meals for him and dc. I do my own out of choice."
why?

Also, you're the higher earner, so it's important that he puts his big boy pants on and bloody makes the flexible working request.

Drop some of these hobbies/clubs! I really don’t get this expectation that parents have to commit to being their DCs’ chauffeurs whenever their DCs want. It’s ridiculous to be doing all this running around - ridiculous for you, and ridiculous for the children too.

When do they get a chance to sit and think, to develop as young humans? Never! Every minute must be filled with Activities and Clubs. That’s wrong. They need time to think, to play, to create, to relax.

Hire a student to ferry them about