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Original poster

Pointless term time working with a tween/ teen

36 replies

wouldyouratherdo · 30/09/2024 17:55

My DD is in year 4 - I've worked term time only since she was in reception, I work from home 4 days a week and I work 30 hours a week so she doesn't have to use wrap around care (she has high functioning autism and didn't enjoy clubs at her infant school).

She is getting to the age where she'd rather hang around herself pottering doing crafts than going out on activities with me. I'm wondering if it's time to go back to full time work so 6 weeks holiday rather than 13. It would bring me an extra £500 which would be useful.
I'd still only work 30 hours and am planning to keep collecting her at 4pm even when she is in secondary.

It just seems sad that a 9 year old would rather watch tv or do crafts than spend time with her mother - but I've felt this for the last few months and wonder if the extra money would benefit her more than me being around - I'm a lone parent so it's only my income we rely on.

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SpookySpoon22 · 01/10/2024 23:13

@wouldyouratherdo you're very welcome! x

Original poster
wouldyouratherdo · 01/10/2024 13:18

@SpookySpoon22 - thanks for the support

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SpookySpoon22 · 01/10/2024 00:34

It sounds like you're doing all the right things and I can tell how much you care about your DD. It's definitely a case of us adjusting our expectations and thinking outside of box when it comes to parenting our ND kids that's for sure! Good luck sorting your job hours if you decide to increase them. It's hard trying to balance having enough money with having enough time but it sounds like you're in a great position to try things out.

Original poster
wouldyouratherdo · 30/09/2024 21:52

@SpookySpoon22 - I am very extraverted abd need a lot of social so it's been a massive adjustment to realise DD doesn't need so much . She longs for the company of certain best friends but would definitely rather be alone than with most people- she's very selective- at her age I wasn't

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Original poster
wouldyouratherdo · 30/09/2024 21:49

@SpookySpoon22 - thank you for your suggestions. When she has play dates (always here) they will bond over a shared interest in making slime or watching certain tv shows. If she was neurotypical I wouldn't let a 9 year old watch tv on a play date but over the last year I've recognised it's a low social stress way to be with friends (otherwise there are arguments shout friends using up all of DD's art supplies- which I'm sympathetic to as "friends " don't invite her to their houses to use their supplies..)
So sometimes I think watching tv is a good bonding thing and I definitely prefer that to Minecraft/ read bloc where she might come into contact with strangers online

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SpookySpoon22 · 30/09/2024 21:00

@wouldyouratherdo I often think it's just as painful, if not more so, for us parents. I also recognise that DD doesn't need or want as much social contact as I do. However, she does definitely need some and I just hope that going forward she maintains friendships enough to fulfill this in whatever way works best for her, be it online or in person. I do think shared interests are key to this. Maybe your DD can connect with others through something she's into or enjoys.

Original poster
wouldyouratherdo · 30/09/2024 20:08

@Completelyjo - thanks for your perspective. My sister who is autistic (I am not) would say the same thing - maybe my daughter just needs her independence? And her own space..

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Original poster
wouldyouratherdo · 30/09/2024 20:06

@PurpleThistle7 - thank you so much for also considering the stress on me..

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PurpleThistle7 · 30/09/2024 20:04

My daughter is neurodiverse and started high school this year and it's been a rollercoaster. Sounds like you have the ideal setup but the extra academic pressures alongside the social stuff has been a lot. She's needed me more this year than for the last several years put together and I work full time so it's a 'lot' of texts. It sounds like you have a great setup and she has options so I'd try it and then you can always go back if it's not working. Lowering what stress you can on yourself is important too.

Completelyjo · 30/09/2024 20:02

It just seems sad that a 9 year old would rather watch tv or do crafts than spend time with her mother

Do not put this codependency on her, everyone needs their own space.

Original poster
wouldyouratherdo · 30/09/2024 19:58

@RaspberryRipple2 - this is a really helpful suggestion, thank you

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Original poster
wouldyouratherdo · 30/09/2024 19:57

@SpookySpoon22 - we are already finding this from her former infants school - I arranged so many outings and play dates but those children no longer want to socialise with her. She's now in a class of 8 and her classmates don't want to do play dates. - she's lonely now at age 9 and I see it only getting harder..

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RaspberryRipple2 · 30/09/2024 19:43

When I worked 30 hours per week I also bought 2 weeks holiday (60 hours) and used these to work 20 hours for 6 weeks instead, so only had to work normal hours for 1 week of school hols. This made it loads easier for grandparents to do holiday childcare as I only needed 4 hours per day while I worked at home - usually 8-12 and then had every afternoon off, or sometimes I’d do a full day then have Fridays off. If this is an option for you it could be a halfway house to get extra money but still spend time with dd?

SpookySpoon22 · 30/09/2024 19:37

@wouldyouratherdo I feel your pain completely. DD seemingly had some lovely friends in primary and I arranged so many playdates and days out. Sadly they nearly all dropped her in secondary because they no longer felt they had anything in common with her or because she found it hard to socialise outside of school. DD has also painfully realised more recently how mean some of them were in primary when she was too naive to realise at the time. The saving grace has been social media because she's kept in touch with a couple of girls who were in the same school who are into the same things.

Original poster
wouldyouratherdo · 30/09/2024 19:33

@InfoSecInTheCity - I'm finding holidays in the 6 weeks summer holidays too hot and unaffordable, but can afford holiday clubs etc. The massive benefits of moving her out of the state sector is that her new classmates don't go on expensive holidays and there are no SAHM so they are all in holiday clubs - including one at her school and as it's so much smaller she's willing to go..

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SpookySpoon22 · 30/09/2024 19:32

Thanks @wouldyouratherdo but sadly there is literally nothing in my area like that, private or otherwise. We have had to rely on online courses for the time being with mixed results but I really hope future generations will have better options available. There isn't even an external exam centre anywhere nearby for her to take GCSEs other than English and Maths. It's a terrible gap in the education system.

Original poster
wouldyouratherdo · 30/09/2024 19:29

@SpookySpoon22 - I'm already having the issue of loneliness at year 4 - my daughter was not invited to socialise with anyone over the summer - she only saw other children because I invited them for play dates here ,
Or organised DD would attend the same holiday club as her friends. Sadly DD is not good at making friends and seeing other autistic women in the family I do t expect this to improve with age. Up until now she's been happy with days out with mummy which has disguised the problem- but at she 9 she doesn't want to hang out with me - she wants to have friends of her own age. I don't know what to do as I can't make other children want to spend time with her. It's a sad situation

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InfoSecInTheCity · 30/09/2024 19:26

DD is year 6 now and we have used holiday care up to now, she does 3 days a week at a local outdoor pursuits centre which is eye wateringly expensive but they do really good stuff.

She would have loved the IDEA of spending 6 weeks mooching around the house, but in reality would have been bored and there's no way I'd be able to work from home with a bored 10 yr old distracting me.

I plan to do less holiday club next summer but she'll still have some, I'm thinking a couple of the 3 day 'getting good at bushcraft' 'getting good at target sports' type courses with certificates at the end, because she can't spend 6 weeks just watching telly, pissing about on her phone and whining that's she's bored.

I'm not convinced that in yr 4 she'd be fully ready to entertain herself while you work, you'd need to make sure you have activities booked and probably use a decent portion of your 6 weeks annual leave or unpaid parental leave.

Original poster
wouldyouratherdo · 30/09/2024 19:25

@SpookySpoon22 - it may be a bit late now but there are a few independent schools in our local area which are small class sizes, not academic- and they attract a large proportion /majority SEN students - it's obviously expensive but the staff are used to accommodations - we live in a county which does not recognise dyslexia and won't fund assessments or adaptions so my daughters school has a number of dyslexic children as a result who use overlays/ glasses/ coloured paper that just would not be supported in her previous state school. Same with hyperactivity and movement breaks and ASD students and help with social skills

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SpookySpoon22 · 30/09/2024 19:23

Just to add that my DD complains of being bored a lot when left to her own devices for any length of time during holidays but she rarely meets friends these days so relies on me for company (and is on her phone a lot). It may be different for your DD but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Mynewnameis · 30/09/2024 19:21

My high functioning has needed a hell of a lot more support since starting high school. Year 7 has been a shock!

Original poster
wouldyouratherdo · 30/09/2024 19:19

Thanks for all the comments - yes she's in an ideal school set up for an autistic girl and I have a really flexible employer - I'm really lucky on both counts. My main motivation is financial, so I'm less stressed about the school fees.

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AdviceNeeded2024 · 30/09/2024 19:16

I think it sounds like you’ve got a really great supportive employer so I’d go for it. You could ask for a trial to see how it goes, just make sure you get it in writing they are happy for you to go back part time if needed. Sounds like the money will be a great help and you’ve got a job with an employer who will support you so you’ve got nothing to lose by trying.

Singleandproud · 30/09/2024 19:08

If you can switch back easily go for, that sounds great.

Original poster
wouldyouratherdo · 30/09/2024 19:07

@AdviceNeeded2024 - I'd have her at home 4 days a week and she'd be with her granny/ aunt/ holiday club for my office day. My employer might even be oh with me wfh entirely during the 6 weeks - they are very understanding and supportive

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