To think we will never be friends again?

Seriously, I cannot get my breath over some of the replies slating the friend who lost the baby, not least the one saying essentially she [the friend] is wishing the OP's baby were dead.

None of us are that friend. None of us know how she is feeling - not even anyone who has been through the same pain. Dial this back 20 years, when there was no social media - the OP probably wouldn't be aware of the depth of the problem, as there'd be less interaction between the two women anyway, and practically nowhere to share photos unless via hard-copy in person or post, therefore both limiting the problem whilst providing no platforms to have to unfollow. And on it goes. I've had to block and unfollow a great many people and pages for a hell of a lot less than this friend has - there are just some things you don't want to see.

My mother miscarried in 1974. She distanced herself from all sorts of situations. Those situations were either face to face, or involved TV shows where babies featured. No one knew how she felt, because there was no need for her to tell people what she was doing. People were busy. Communication aside from in-person was time consuming (letters) or expensive (telephone). She just got on with it and dealt with it in her way.

People have not changed. We grieve differently and we feel how we feel. What has changed is that we've moved to a society where information is rammed down our eyes constantly at a pace, yet as people we haven't caught up with that. Suddenly anyone who puts a stratergy in place to help them cope is being labelled nasty & selfish.

This isn't about the OP, it's about the friend. OP says she has reached out and misses the friend. Well in that case it's just about leaving the door open and playing the waiting game. If the OP really is a friend and misses her as stated, she will welcome her back when she's ready.

This happened to me. It was so painful. But 35 years later my ‘friend’ contacted me on FB to apologise and say she missed me. What she did had caused an atmosphere and some difficulties in our extended friendship group and I decided to remove myself from the entire situation after waiting a year or so to see if she’d come round so to speak. I’ve no desire whatsoever to reply to the message she sent me and I wouldn’t dream of letting her back into my life.

Leave the door open but yes it is for now. Sadly the pain is too much at the moment.

i know people act like this and there are several people sticking up for the friend on here but at the core these people are not genuine friends of the people they cut out of their lives. They just aren’t because if they were they wouldn’t be able to just cut them out. They might think they are friends but if you are not able to at any point speak to your friend just because she has what you wanted and you don’t see yourself being able to do so until you have a child of your own, then you’re not a good friend.
There are people out there who have gone through the most horrific tragedies and traumas and still manage not to cut out supposed long standing friends.

I have come to realise that many people’s friendships are just rivalries though.

Hiya, just came on to say I can see from both sides, but do think your friend is being cruel. I lost my baby at 18weeks, and one of my best friends of 18yrs at the time had her 3rd unplanned baby on my due date.

I was worried about the dates clashing and made my mind up to change the narrative and told her in advance it would be a blessing if her baby was born on my little ones due date.

Don't get me wrong, it was incredibly tough, and yes her little one is a reminder of what I lost. But it also helped me heal.

Your friend needs time, just as you need support. You both need different things at the moment, but when you are ready you will find your way back to each other. X

IMO I think it's too much to expect your friend to put your feelings before hers right now. You have everything she wanted, and she has none of it, just a broken heart.

It's of course not your fault, or your baby's fault. She will know that. Her due date will probably be a day that she mourns for years to come, while for you, it will be a day you celebrate. She's protecting her heart.

Honestly I think she will become more open to a friendship once she has a baby of her own in her arms. If you're willing to wait around for that, that's great. If you aren't, I imagine she'll understand.

I think people grieve differently and that she's doing what she needs to do right now. It would be nice if your friend was around for you right now, but she can't be, and I wouldn't stress about that, I presume you have other friends/family in your life who can fill the void she has left in your life. Unfortunately the void that her lost baby left in her life can't be filled.
It's a spectacular piece of sad coincidence that your child was born the same day hers was due, very difficult for her.
She's the same person you've cared for for years and I would afford her some grace. Long friendships wax and wane.

Unfortunately some people are like this. Nobody is in the wrong really. Shell probably get back in touch when she's pregnant again. Then you can decide whether to let her back in or not.

This is just vile....

I was your friend, I had friends who gave birth whilst I lost my baby including one who gave birth on my due date. I too withdrew from many friendships, time and a happy ending healed my pain and many friendships recovered.... However those who couldn't wait and be patient as I grieved, those friendships were lost.

I never wished any of my friends were in my predicament nor did I wish their babies were also miscarriaged, I only wished I was not alone in my grief and I too was able to cradle my baby..

If you are a good friend, you keep that door open ....

This happened with me and my best friend, both IVF pregnancies. I hadn't known she was doing it so it knocked me off my feet that 2 weeks after my D&C that she was pregnant. She was incredibly sensitive and although contact was slightly less over those 9 months I really tried to be supportive as her pregnancy was very high risk.

When her child was born it was hard but I think people just expected me to get over it by then. I'm not going to lie the pain didn't really ease much until I got pregnant with my own child four years later. She was pregnant with her second by then so it was actually lovely to go through pregnancy together and she was always there to calm my fears.

I wouldn't have treated my friend the way yours treated you but I honestly at the time would have preferred if she was gone from my life.

I think until she has her own kids the friendship is on hold but I suspect it'll be damaged because you may not be so forgiving.

I feel for you. Her pain has made her very short sighted. She lost her baby and her best friend.

Jesus fucking Christ

Just enjoy your life with your child. There is nothing more you can do regarding your friend.

based on times by OP it would have been nearly a year ago and she won’t even meet OP’s baby.

Absolutely this.

It's incredibly sad that she lost her baby and I can see why she found it hard to be around you during pregnancy. However I think she's been selfish and cruel to basically cut you off and ignore your baby over something that is not your fault. When she has her own children will she want to reconcile? Will you even want to considering that she's treated you like this and missed out on so much time?

I would find it hard to come back from that but if you decide to give it another go when she comes back (which I'm sure she will when she has her own baby) I would make sure she realises how much she has hurt you.

So you have, in your head, created a situation where the OP's friend is pregnant, wants to rekindle the friendship, only because she wants a big fuss made of her and her not yet existing baby. And you're encouraging the OP to be as stupid as you. Get a grip.

This is possibly the silliest and most malicious thing I’ve read on here, which is saying something. The OP just needs to give her friend time. Her miscarriage and the OP’s baby’s birth are very recent.

Give her time and space.

I don’t think she is being cruel exactly but I think her behaviour is selfish and a bit controlling. You have gone out your way to be respectful and sensitive and she has tried to police your every utterance around this situation.

That said people who are grieving do sometimes behave in very insensitive and highly irrational ways. I have done things like this in the past when confronted with very painful situations I can’t face.

I think she’s probably well aware that she is being unreasonable but at the moment doesn’t feel she can get past it and needs to distance herself from you. She’s probably also slightly grieving for the friendship as well as the lost pregnancy.

The friendship is certainly on hold. But you don’t know what’s around the corner. She may have a successful pregnancy. She will eventually (maybe not for years) make peace with it. Leave the door open, continue to be as respectful as you have been, don’t react to anything she might do. And just get on with your life.

WTF??

Your friend isn't being cruel or wishing your baby dead or not a nice person. She has wished you and your baby well but needs space. She has kept herself away rather than expecting anything from you. She has removed you from social media to avoid any surprises and also perhaps yes, there's some bitterness at the situation, not at you personally. social media wasn't even a thing 20 years ago so don't take that decision too profoundly.

Try and consider your friendship on long term hold. It isn't for strangers to weigh in saying she is reacting wrongly. You have years of goodwill to draw on and hopefully one day things will settle. Just not yet. It's not personal. You've done all the right things and she has said all the right things, she just isn't ready to face you yet. Would you want her forcing herself for your sake knowing it was causing pain? I'm sure not. Just give it time. No reason she won't come back to you.

Bit of a leap.

Bit much! She doesn't wish anyone's baby was dead she just wishes hers was alive. There's a difference

I suffered to early miscarriages. I have two close friends - the three of us were pregnant at the same time. I had my first miscarriage just as one of them have birth to a healthy baby and the next miscarriage just as the second friend gave birth to her healthy baby. After that I didn't speak to either of them for a month, which was VERY usual for us at the time. Just like your friend, I told them it wasn't personal, just too painful. In the end, they conspired and made plans to do our shared hobby together in my favourite way - and told me their partners were taking the babies for the day, and they'd really like me to come along. I went with them (it was a day trip requiring some driving and hiking to do our hobby, so plenty of time to talk, too). And it somehow broke the ice. The baby stuff was still painful - watching them do maternity stuff together while I was ttc for the third time and hoping for a better outcome. Eventually, though, it did end with me having my own healthy DS. And now I'm able to spend time with them, our children playing together, and just enjoy the friendships without their children constantly reminding me of my losses.

I don't know if my story is any use to you at all. It's easier for me now - I had my happy ending. Your friend does not have hers yet. My best piece of advice is actually the opposite of the standard "tell her you care, but give her space." If you want your friendship back, you probably need to fight a bit for it. Suggest doing things together. Things she likes. Ideally without your baby, if at all possible. Tell her you miss her, and would like the two of you to do - whatever you used to enjoy together. I'm grateful that my friends didn't take no for an answer and pushed me a little to see them.

I feel sorry for your friend that she lost her baby, but she also clearly is not a nice person. I mean if you’d lost your baby too she’d be fine with you, wouldn’t she? That’s tantamount to wishing your baby was dead basically.

Absolutely wonderful