To think we will never be friends again?

Right so because she had her baby she should accept being treated quite frankly like shit by this woman with whom she has been friends since primary school? It’s not the OP’s fault that this woman had a miscarriage- lots of women have miscarriages. To fixate on one person as a reminder of the miscarriage a year later is incredibly self-absorbed. If you find yourself wanting to do this, you should get some therapy to consider why.

Id say the same for anyone whose friend has cut them out because they feel resentful that they have a husband, a child, a bigger house, an inheritance, a good job or whatever else it is. I know that people do this but it’s wrong of them and they are not good friends. If you are a true friend you would be happy for the other person, even if it stings a little bit.

i saw a post on here where someone refused to have a relationship with their niece because it was “too difficult” to see their sibling happy. That is not normal. Life is not a competition. The “reminder” person you are cutting out is a human with feelings too. As is their child.

@Startinganew32 both of them are hurt but neither of them have set out to hurt each other. One of them has their baby, and the other one does not.

Okay I get that but she can’t then expect the friendship to continue in the future. It’s still dehumanising towards the OP. She hasn’t deliberately set out to hurt her friend but is being punished for it. Sometimes things are painful but we have to put a brave face on things. It might sound flippant to some - I don’t mean it to but many many people go through this and don’t behave like this friend. She is entitled to act as she wants to but I don’t think she’s a good friend and I wouldn’t want to resume a friendship with her.

Her feelings and some of her behaviour are to be expected. But she is now verging on the cruel. Was she like this as a friend in other ways?
I’d focus your energy away from her at the moment.

@Startinganew32 I would think it's obvious why the OP's child is the painful reminder as opposed to any child. They were pregnant at the same time. OP's baby was born on her grieving friend's due date. OP's child is a reminder of the exact stage of development that her child would have been. The friend will be looking at them thinking my baby should be here too, there should be two of you playing together. It's different to seeing a random 2 year old.

Couples events maybe but it wouldn’t be on to stop speaking to your best friend because her husband is still alive. Why is the OP the painful reminder when I’m sure this friend has lots of other people around her with children?

The issue is the friend is only avoiding OP, not her other friends with kids.

It’s like the OP who was being ghosted by her 3 SIL’s for having a baby because one of the SILs had had a niscarriage. Yet one SIL had a 10 month old and the other SIL had a 2 year old, and she was happily meeting those SILs. The OP almost being scapegoated.

What a lovely person and fantastic friend you are! I’m so sorry for the loss of your son.

I think it can be harsh to say someone isn't managing their grief well, but she is projecting, making you the focus of her grieving, and that's damaging to a friendship. I've been in her shoes and my friend's baby was born on my due date. I remember going to see them once they got home. One of the hardest days of my life. I didn't hold her baby, but I brought gifts and stayed an hour. I then cried for hours afterwards, but her wonderful baby was not my lost one. Her life wasn't mine etc., etc. Your friendship needs to find space to allow for your happiness alongside her grieving, and that isn't something you can make happen for her.

That's ridiculously over simplifying the emotions of both the women involved. The friend is grieving. It's quite common for widows to avoid couple events for a few years after losing their spouse. Noone wants a painful reminder of what they're lost in their face.

The OP was actually really sympathetic to her friend and tried to help her through her miscarriage. The friend is cutting OP out because she finds being around her too hard. She’s not seeing the OP as a person in her own right, someone with feelings and emotions who might be upset at being snubbed like this. There’s no underlying sense of caring there if the friend can only be friends with the OP once she also has a baby. That’s not a genuine friendship if you can only be friends with someone if you feel you are on a par with them.

Thank you, OP. Our scenarios definitely share the same sentiment – your friend has chosen to put her feelings before yours. That's obviously her prerogative, but the knowledge she's chosen to do that should help you to let go of the friendship knowing it's not your fault and you did what you could to keep it going.

There's also a very good chance that if she gets pregnant again, she'll suddenly realise what she's lost and will reach out like nothing's happened. I was polite but made it clear there was no going back.

This

Reading many of the posts on this thread help me understand why it’s best to never tell people you’ve had a miscarriage. Some of them are so judgemental and lacking in empathy.

I think OP needs to prioritise herself and dump this so-called friend.

Because as per the OP, she misses her.

If the friend who's had the trauma had gone on a vendetta against the OP, I could well understand all the comments saying what a vile person she is, but she hasn't. She's merely laid her cards on the table and withdrawn herself so as to come to terms with her loss.

Why would she want her back in years to come?

So many of the replies on here seem to be about the friend and her feelings but what about OP and her feelings? She hasn't done anything wrong. She's been cut off by a friend who is clearly still seeing other mutual friends, some of which I bet have children!

Surely the friend doesn't now have a life long licence to treat OP as she wants and expect OP to be waiting with open arms when she does decide that she's 'forgiven' OP?

You'll get your friend back in years to come, quite possibly not until (if) she has children of her own. The same day of birth as her due date is incredibly raw. With grief i think you have to get all the anniversaries of the first year over before you can really start to heal.

She can feel however she wants to but the point is that she is taking this out on the OP very unfairly. I am guessing that this friend still sees other friends, neighbours, family members, goes to work etc. She hasn’t totally withdrawn from society. Yet she can’t see her best friend of many years and doesn’t seem aware that actually it’s really horrible to be cut out or dropped for something that is really not your fault. Sometimes yes life is horrible and someone close to you seems to be blessed with good fortune but if you genuinely cared about them, you’d still be kind rather than freezing them out. The fact that she can just cut the OP out like this shows that she doesn’t seem to appreciate that the OP is a person with feelings too.

She can indeed take 10, 20 years or longer to get over it (whatever that means) but the friendship is most likely over. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who had taken this out on me. I know someone whose son very tragically died at age 4 and she absolutely wouldn’t have dreamt of cutting out friends because they still had their children and she did not. On the other hand, I know someone who stopped speaking to her best friend because said friend got married and had a baby and that was too painful because the friend was living the dream that she wanted and had expected to have first.

And the point here is what exactly? That in a year she should be over it. Who can say how long it's going to take?

I agree with those who think it might be temporary. She has been very open with you and you have been very gentle with her, so you obviously care about each other Obviously this in within the year and I think it's wrong for people to say she being cruel. She's trying to protect herself, grief has no time restriction.
Yes other people have experienced this and have coped better, supporting their friends and that is great. I've not suffered a miscarriage but we had fertility issues and even with treatment it never happened. My friends and colleagues were falling pregnant and although I'd wish them well/ give congratulations and although I was genuinely pleased for them, it bloody hurt so much.
I'm in my 50s now and on the odd occasion I reminisce on what could have been and I cry for what was 'never was'. It can still hurt all this time later.

This is such a hard one. I've been on both sides. I've had 2 miscarriages but then I did lose my twin babies last year at birth though so tbh I had to remove myself, though I never ghosted my pregnant friends. I just stepped back for a while as I was broken and social media was horrific.

You deserve to enjoy your happiness and although she in pain. It's not your fault. The timing is rubbish but you have done everything you can. You are a good friend and congrats on your baby. Give her time. Pregnancy loss is horrific. You've done your bit now. The ball is in her court.

I think it's fine for her to unfollow op on social media. Or to reduce contact. She's clearly doing these things to protect herself.

But to completely withdraw contact, not even ask about the baby and ostracise op does seem really unfair.

I get what pp says about social media meaning everything is rammed down people's throats these days and sometimes it can be painful to see it. But even before all that, if a good friend stopped talking to you for this reason you'd still be hurt. People haven't changed, just the way we interact has.

It isn't just about the friend. There are two people in a friendship. I don't blame the friend for finding it hard, that's only natural but it seems like she's punishing op for having a healthy baby and that isn't what good friends do. If I truly felt like that I would at least speak to my friend, by letter if necessary and explain that I love them, I wish them all the best but I can't be around them just now. And I'd hope they understand.

Your poor friend is really struggling and it's sad that you can't support her, but she's finding the situation unbearable at the moment. In time perhaps she will come back to you, especially if she has a baby herself one day. You haven't done anything wrong and will just have to let it go and enjoy your own lovely child.

I had a really close friend, and after the birth of my first child, I didn’t hear from her at all after I’d sent the round robin text to everyone telling them the news (before social media existed!). She was the only person I hadn’t heard from. Then weeks later, I got a letter from her apologising for not being in touch, and explained that she’d been pregnant, her and her long term dp had been actively trying for a baby (his idea), then he’d suddenly got cold feet and more or less forced her to have an abortion really late, I think it was 19 weeks from memory, she had to go to London for it. And she was basically consumed with jealously that I’d had a baby. She was very honest about it all, but then finished by saying she couldn’t continue our friendship. We didn’t live close by, so that was that. She stuck to her guns. It really hurt to lose her, and felt very unfair, but I just had to accept the friendship was over.