Sad we will be spending another Christmas away from home

Four times a year is fairly infrequent to see family. My parents see their grandchildren every couple of weeks.

Anyway, OP I agree that you and DH should spend Christmas at home this year and see your son's family another time.

For me, it’s about being with family so I’d travel to them. I couldn’t miss out of Christmas Day with my dc and dgc. The church I would go to a service some other time, lots of them on around that time of year.

You could have a lovely Christmas with your husband and church community and to see your son and DiL either before or after Christmas for a dinner.
One year DH's parents went on holiday for Christmas so we did Christmas with his family on the 21st before they left, and it was great.

Do they drive?

I wouldn't fancy travelling up north on a train with a 1 and 3 year old. Especially with all the things needs for said children plus Christmas things. So I wouldn't dismiss it as just hopping on a train. Arranging meal times, naps, keeping kids entertained would be hard work... Think you've forgotten what it's like having small children.

Even if they had a car, that's a long journey for Christmas.

You don't have to go visit. Why don't you stay home and arrange to go visit them boxing day / or new year etc?

I'm sure once the kids are older they might more more open to visiting you one Christmas.

Driving two young children six hours up north is harder than it is to stay in a nice hotel in London.

Stay home but visit them before for an Early Christmas. Forget about presents, EC is about a good meal, fun games and for you probably a church service.

There is no utility in wondering why they won't visit you, carve out what you can out of what's possible and see the positives in in.

I think the fact you have to go in a hotel makes the difference here. They should offer to come to you, they can rent a car just as easily as you can book a hotel room.

Yes exactly this. Best of both worlds.

Younger parents selfish. Or their older parents being selfish expecting a whole family to traipse to them rather then two adults going to them.

Id say the grandparents would be the selfish ones.

When they visit Serbia it’s not just her parents is it. It’s her culture and making sure her children experience that. They live in London they get plenty of culture there.

Again though why is the dil getting the blame for a son who I presume has a working brain mouth and bank card to visit his parents if he wishes too 🙄

It is indeed easier, two than four but you’ve missed my point and part of the original post. They wouldn’t be travelling every year, perhaps every 3rd or 4th but it’s more about demonstrating to the son’s parents that they are loved and matter equally. Assuming that there is no backstory to this then son and partner should be making much more of an effort.

This seems ideal to me, and the children get another mini Christmas! (Sort of).

They're being unreasonable expecting you to be away every year. We always alternated grandparents at Christmas and only put ourselves into the mix as hosts once we had enough room. Travelling wasn't an issue, it's not that big a deal travelling with small children.

This sounds exhausting with a baby and a toddler.

Then back to work and childcare for the next 20 weeks until they can take some PTO - happy days.

A lot of parents both work 40-50 hours a week. All year.

They want to spend time in their own home. See their friends. Let their children wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning to see if Santa has arrived.

Relax, have some downtime. Not get everyone in the car and drive for 6 hours each way. Not have to manage their very young children x 2 in someone else’s house.

Younger parents aren’t ’so selfish’, they’re just trying to juggle a lot and for their children’s benefit (and their own sanity sometimes IMO) they have to prioritise what they think is best, not what their parents want.

Isn't the Orthodox Christmas a week later than ours? if so, surely they could come to you at British Christmas, and go to her parents for a Serbian Christmas a week later?
As you are in the north east, perhaps they could fly there from your local airport?

Before we got married, a relative of my now exH told us a short story of family expectations and how when she and her husband got married they started doing things differently. She said she's always felt it's important that when a couple get married, they create their own family traditions, which is what she made a point of telling her own children...alas the message was too subtle for my now ex, but his relative is an amazing woman I am still very fond of. Could it be time for your son and his wife to start creating their own traditions, or changing the existing habit a bit? Why do you have to travel to them every Christmas and Easter? You could stay home, socialise with your friends and go to your local Church, if that makes you happier; and see your son and his family another time. There's no reason for resentment on either side to creep in.

If you feel it's important to be with family at these particular times of year, then what can you do to address your issue of feeling 'unfestive'? It sounds like your son is quite thoughtful, decorating your acccommodation beforehand. But if it's not enough (and let's face it, there's a limit to what one can do in a hotel room), what else could you do to get good vibes elsewhere? Central London is incredibly festive at Christmas time. Could you make it a habit to go and see the Christmas lights in town or somewhere like Kew Gardens and have a meal out before going back to your hotel, or see a Christmas pantomime, or go to a concert at St Pauls etc? At the end of the day, a hotel is somewhere to sleep.

@Proudtobeanortherner or that it's easier for two people to jump on a train than an entire family?

That’s what families who actually care about each do. It really is no big deal; you just need to plan carefully.
It’s questions like this that make so sad for society. Why are younger parents so very selfish? This woman needs to see that her children have two sets of grandparents and the son needs to stop being such a wet blanket, hiding behind his partner.
What is this behaviour teaching the children? That’s it’s okay to be mean to some people?

Exactly!! It's so much easier for two people to come down over Christmas than a whole family go up.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having an honest conversation with your DS about this - you and/ or your husband discussing with him.

I can see why they might go to Serbia as it’s a visit to her home country, not just her family, and she may well miss this. He is living in his home country so won’t feel the same way - London isn’t that different to being in the NE, as compared to Serbia.

i can understand they don’t want to drag their tiny children up to the NE for Christmas on top of the trip to Serbia, which must also be stressful. And the kids are so tiny, it can only have been a few years that this is an issue. Plus perhaps your Ds does care as much about “going home” (ie to parents) as she does - often the one in a couple that cares more gets their way.

If you don’t want to be away for Christmas, as pp have said, go to visit them just before hand, and then spend Christmas at home. Christmas as a couple, after seeing friends etc at church, sounds lovely.

I have sympathy for them tbh - they probably want to spend they special Christmas years with their young children in their own home.

Plus travelling that far with two small kids + all the presents, no doubt they have other events etc on in London. And I assume they are probably both working full time? It’s a lot.

How could you make the experience more festive for you? Fancier hotel? Book to go to a fancy carol service? Winter markets? No shortage of activities in London to make you feel festive.

There is always so much pressure ‘on the day’!

I think you're comparing the treatment you get from them, compared with the treatment your DILs family get. They're not comparable (she might be homesick, wanting to see wider friends and fam too, wanting to expose kids to the language for longer etc etc). Comparison is the thief of joy. And not very Christian!

But that doesn't mean you can't talk to both of them constructively about doing Christmas at yours one year.

Could you get an Airbnb rather than a hotel close to your family, decorate it more for Christmas and invite them there for part of the time.

Just spend a few days in London with them during the run up to Christmas. Go out for a Christmas meal together during that time and leave their gifts and the children's at their flat before you go home.

Then go home in time for Christmas and do your own thing with your friends and your church.

The Christmas holidays span two weeks for most. As I say on most threads, you don't need to celebrate on Christmas Day, it can be 28th or 1st Jan. Does it matter, as long as you spend time together.

If you have young DC, it's understandable they won't travel to you. They already need to when going to Serbia.