Sad we will be spending another Christmas away from home

Their children are very little still. You might mention in passing that when they are old enough to remember, you’d love them to have the Christmas if your son’s childhood up in the North East one year.

Hello @RosenNn,

As other posters have suggested it is time to create your own 'Christmas Traditions' and do what YOU want to do as a family.

You do NOT have to go!

Just say NO and start your own traditions, set your own rules and set some boundaries OP.

Enjoy your Christmas at home, with your friends and your Church.

You can do it OP!

The power of the word NO is amazing!

x

'Just a train journey..................'
But it's not, it's a palaver with young DC plus once they are out of London the public transport is just rubbish, I am assuming they won't have a car.
Even if they don't need a travel cot, getting DC to sleep in other people's houses can be problematic.

I did go up north with my 2DC for Christmas to my DPs when they were little but I drove (usually through the night to avoid traffic). I definitely would not have done this journey on a train - just had too much stuff to bring with me, even without presents

Exactly this.

It's much, much harder for them at present. When the DC get old enough that it isn't so skewed in one direction is the time to think of balance, people having turns etc. Not when they've got a toddler and a baby.

Families that care don't inflict that hassle on already exhausted parents of young children. Been there, done that, and will not travel again for Christmas. It's a stressful enough period as it is.

One of my friends travels to her and her husband's family every Christmas and it's actually pleasant for her because between both sets of grandparents, the kids are taken from them, all meals cooked for them, and she gets to go to the spa, book nail and hair appointments, see old friends and go on dates with her husband during that time. She's very lucky but as you see from threads on here every christmas, most families of young children don't get that upside from visiting in laws/ parents for christmas but just have the hassle and unreasonable expectations.

You don't have to go every year. You could go the weekend before Christmas or the weekend after. My MiL is very Catholic she sometimes wants to be at her church on Christmas day which is fine. We either see her before Christmas or she comes to see us after. Also travelling with small kids on crappy public transport at Christmas is awful. I don't understand your complaints about the hotel though. In my experience hotels are cheaper over Christmas day/boxing day and tend to be beautifully decorated. When we've had to travel over this period we've tended to use apartment hotels and it's been really nice. You need to change where you are staying.

This. When you're not the person in your own country, going home is more than seeing parents. It's seeing parenting, siblings, friends, showing children your culture, speaking your own language for a while...

When the children are so small, "They only actually come to see us once a year in the summer, we go on holiday with them in October then travel to see them the other 2 times." Is unfair. They've only had small children for 3 years. There is no typical year for a while. They are in the weeds right now. When the children are school age they are far more portable and easy to travel with.

Do they not have a car, or do they not drive? If they just don't have a car (sensible in London) they may well move further out and need one with a growing family and things will change. If they can't drive, that's partially your doing! Driving lessons are a pretty fundamental thing.

I think UABU.

You say you miss seeing your friends at church at Christmas, but you surely see them every single week.

As several PPs have said, book an Airbnb rather than a hotel, much more homely and, unless you'd be planning to stay in the cheapest of London hotels, it'll cost around the same.

You don't have to express your upset or suck it up, you can come up with a solution.

As other people have suggested, why not spend Christmas Day at home and go to London the next day? It gives you all something to look forward to and you can enjoy the run up to Christmas when there is more focus on religion than afterwards - carol services, advent, midnight mass, the church community on Christmas Day. In alignment with your beliefs, you could even host Christmas Day for people who may have nobody to spend the day with or do some voluntary work.

It's very different to go to Serbia as it's the opportunity for your DIL not only to see her family but to share her culture directly with her children who are being raised in her husband's home country. 7 January is celebrated in the Orthodox Church Serbia, so your grandchildren are also experiencing a different form of Christmas.

Your son sounds very thoughtful in decorating your hotel room, so I'd say just be more flexible and think of other ways of celebrating a religious Christmas that doesn't involve travel within Britain as neither you nor your son seem to keen on that.

Surely that’s the OP’s issue though?

We really have to move away from the idea that all arrangements are made and facilitated by women.

This!!!!

Depends how much you're getting I guess. Our presents from Father Christmas have only ever been stockings so nothing big. Another way we've avoided rods for our own backs and created more flexibility at Christmas.

Before we had kids just before a big move we did Christmas at IL - on really busy trains and we we moving house in new year.

DH present was this huge heavy glass chest board with two sets of shot glasses. Complete nightmare to pack and carry back on train and nightmare to pack with house move - DH never used ever and even he wonder wtf the thinking had been.

well the Op doesn’t once even allude to what her DH wants or doesn’t want

Why do you assume it's the wifes decision? He's a grown man surely capable of making his opinions known.

Ive read your update re “nothing compares to home”. I’m sure that’s true but it’s even more true when you have tiny babies.

I would say give it a few years. 1 and 3 are such young ages. I’m sure there’ll be a time when it becomes a big adventure to go up to you on the train - when they’re in late primary it’ll all be much easier.

Edit - also the going to Serbia in Jan is time limited - once they’re at school they won’t be allowed time off for this - Orthodox Easter is nearly always after the schools have gone back.

YABU -re travel: travelling on rail in the UK is terribly expensive and unreliable compared with flying.

as the eldest is 3 is this the 3rd Christmas you’ve gone to visit or 4th? During that time there was a newborn, so definitely I wouldn’t travel via train with my children.

i did it was a student when trains were cheaper and slightly more reliable and still there were ours of standing in a furnace like train, stollen luggage, missed events due to cancellations and everything has got much worse. Plus germs. I wouldn’t do it.

also I don’t think you see them a lot, if you want a relationship with your GC and to know them as people a few hours once a quarter isn’t going to get you much more than friendly strangers. Not shoulder to cry on/significant figure in their life. That’s totally ok if that’s what you’re going for.

i don’t think YABU to want to be at home. I think an air b and b would be better for Christmas feel as you could put up a tree. You could also host one day. And then alternate years if you want.

i don’t think you should consider the Serbia thing and get wound up. That’s a sep issue.

@RosenNn Where to spend Christmas and who with, can be a problem every year for many, many people. For many, perhaps even most families, it is often a compromise. You do have a choice, although it may not feel like it. For you, it is more important that you see your Grandchildren on Christmas Day than you spend it in your own home, going to Church on Christmas day and seeing your Christian friends where you live around that period.

I do get, why you would like your son and his family t o come and visit you sometimes at that time of year instead of you always going to them, but I do agree travelling with small children wouldn't be easy. Even when a bit older, it might be difficult for them to not be at home in their own house fro Christmas.

Am surprised you say that the hotel(s) you stay in isn't very festive though, My experience is that they will have Christmas Tree(s), Decorations up and do mostly try to give a festive atmosphere. Maybe finding a different hotel might help?

Agree with others saying when kids are this little it is so so so so much easier to be home at Christmas. And especially if they don’t drive so can’t just load the car full of presents. Could you get a nice AirBnB nearby when you go?

It sounds like you see a lot of each other (my in laws aren’t local and we only see them twice a year) and if you have a good relationship, I’d be inclined to just suck it up for now while they’re little and maybe approach it again when the kids are a bit older.
Alternatively - do you have to spend every Christmas Day/week together? This year we’re having our Christmas solo, and seeing in laws for new years instead.

We've done Christmas all over the place. Staying with in laws, at ours, in holiday homes etc. But we have a car. And when the kids were tiny my MIL ensured they had a fully equipped room with cot/changing mat/baby bath/bedding etc. So we didn't have to bring anything apart from ourselves/clothes/Christmas presents. I don't know if you are able to do the same, but I imagine that the thought of travelling on the train with everything is a bit overwhelming. It will be easier when the kids are bigger and don't need equipment. Perhaps any larger gifts could be ordered to be delivered to yours, although there is still the issue of getting them back home again.

You can stay home. We’re staying home this year as I’m sick of travelling to my parents’, with 3 kids and all the gifts and stuff, it’s so unfestive.

Your son and his family probably feel the same.

Yes, I agree with this. It might well be that it’s unfair to draw the comparison as your DIL is in the uk, not her own country.

If you reflect on it and think it’s not wise to ask your DS - and none of my earlier points about pets or smoking apply - and they’re happy to see you at other times, then I’d have a chat as a couple and decide what you want the most. I’m involved in Christmas services at my church up to Christmas Eve, but I’ve never gone on Christmas Day. Fourth Advent is on the 22nd this year - surely that will involve a special service at your church?

Alternatively, talk to your son about wanting to stay in your own home this year for the 24-26th and go for the weekend of the 20th-22nd.

By the way, I think it’s lovely that your DS decorates the hotel room! Best in mind that it might have been your DIL’s idea though …

I think it's a difficult one.

Having Christmas away from home with young children is really difficult, especially as the family doesn't even drive. At 1 and 3, presents will be large and bulky - even if the parents ordered them directly to OP's for her to wrap in advance, they'd still have to travel home with them on the train, along with any other gifts given by OP and DH, and other family. Plus 2 toddlers, luggage for a week, a buggy probably...I understand why they don't think it's doable to travel without a car.

But I think it's not about the travel for OP but the being away from home, and not just away from home but in a hotel for Christmas. I wouldn't want that myself, and I wouldn't feel comfortable asking my parents/in-laws to do it either.

A better solution one year might be to hire a house you could all stay in? Not too far from London so the travel is not extensive and perhaps on the last day everyone travels back to London for a lunch and gifts/luggage could be driven back home for them that way?

I sympathise, OP. I have a similar situation.
And before everyone jumps to conclusions, we do have a lot of guests to our house who are all happy and keen to come again, so it’s not that our house is grotty.
Sometimes you just have to face the fact that your children aren’t particularly caring about your feelings. As the years go by, you might find yourself feeling less close to them.

Ever occurred to you that they might want a Christmas on their own?

Your poor Dil is in a foreign country almost all the time and you're whinging about her getting a few days at home?

See your friends at Christmas. Stop moaning.

Exactly! Not everyone lives near their children so a couple of hours at the weekend isn’t always possible but a holiday and weekends is lovely too and it’s nice that your son and DIL invite you ever xmas. Maybe they’ll come to you for xmas when the kids are older nothing is written in stone!