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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask XH for some money now DD is living here 100%

93 replies

BusyWren · 30/09/2024 13:50

The agreement when we split was that we both had both DC half the time and paid for their food / outings etc while with us. Other costs are on a spreadsheet and we settle up whoever owes the other at the end of each month. This covers clothes, shoes phones etc.
3 months ago DD (a teenager) decided she no longer felt able to live with her dad 50% and has since spent 1 night there plus joined him and her brother / his new GF and family on a weeks holiday.
Money is tight but not worryingly so yet but I'm paying for all her food, hot water, hair dryer electricity and trips out with friends - which adds up.
Should I ask if he's willing to contribute? Or point out child maintenance calculator?

OP posts:
BananaSplitSandwich · 02/10/2024 17:35

BusyWren · 30/09/2024 19:38

I asked very gently. He declined and said I should be paying him for the extra time I get with her. And if I can't afford to keep her I should kick her out. Delightful.

Just wow. Stop with the spreadsheet and get onto the CMS right away.

Original poster
BusyWren · 02/10/2024 17:22

No self-employment in my situation. Just a nice big salary.

OP posts:
Cerialkiller · 02/10/2024 17:11

Chowtime · 30/09/2024 23:35

Yep. CMS.

Self employed parents also have to pay child maintenance - there seems to be a bit of a "mumsnet myth" that they don't. They do - of course they do.

Edited

It's not that they don't have to pay, it's that it's very easy for self employed people to get away with paying very little/nothing and even though CMS in theory has the powers to sort it out, in practice it often doesn't.

Original poster
BusyWren · 02/10/2024 17:07

I'm very decided I'll give him a few days and see if he comes to his senses and then open a CMS case.
It's crazy as I was only expecting him to give me a tiny bit towards the extra costs - but turns out he should probably be paying me quite a bit as he earns well.

OP posts:
Chowtime · 30/09/2024 23:35

Yep. CMS.

Self employed parents also have to pay child maintenance - there seems to be a bit of a "mumsnet myth" that they don't. They do - of course they do.

WalkingaroundJardine · 30/09/2024 22:13

Yes, definitely CMS. It would take the heat out of it if he’s dealing with a third party and it would help you with the costs of having your DD at home 100% for the next 4 years.

RandomMess · 30/09/2024 22:11

CMS then unless he's self-employed?

teenmaw · 30/09/2024 22:08

You should be paying him? The man's a fucking crackpot, straight to CMS

sarahzbaker · 30/09/2024 22:06

CMS then

Original poster
BusyWren · 30/09/2024 22:00

I mean I'd be financially better off than current arrangement.

OP posts:
Original poster
BusyWren · 30/09/2024 21:58

I think I'd be better off going to CMS to demand it - probably better off than if he'd just given me a few quid extra as I'd hoped.
And DD is 14.

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 30/09/2024 19:50

Yes, it’s totally normal that he now compensate for what he is not providing at the moment so that you can provide it.

tothelefttotheleft · 30/09/2024 19:48

How old is your dd?

RandomMess · 30/09/2024 19:42

If you went to CMS and he stopped sharing the other costa would you be worse off?

Original poster
BusyWren · 30/09/2024 19:38

I asked very gently. He declined and said I should be paying him for the extra time I get with her. And if I can't afford to keep her I should kick her out. Delightful.

OP posts:
Skyrainlight · 30/09/2024 16:23

Yes, he should contribute a bit more.

Original poster
BusyWren · 30/09/2024 14:03

I think this may be something where once I've written it down it's obvious!
I tried the CM calculator but not sure how I adjust that for how much he's already paying via the spreadsheet.

OP posts:
Chowtime · 30/09/2024 13:50

YANBU he should pay yes.