To ask XH for some money now DD is living here 100%

Um, be aware that he won't automatically have to pay CMS, he can just refuse for months (years?) until they can get a court order on his earnings and enforce it. So you may be waiting a long time for your £600

CMS are shit

Oh well you tried this is his choice now, hie thee to cms.

Although if in the next month or so you're expecting him to go 50:50 on an expensive school trip, I would wait until after he's paid for that!

Ok you tried so CMS it is.

Also if your DC go to uni I doubt he will give them anything especially DD, save towards that.

You can't reason with unreasonable people.

You can phone up CMS to start the claim and then still have a private agreement for less. That may help him focus his mind.

I would ring up today as they don't backdate it.

You could always save the extra £600 for future costs for the DC, activities and days out you can do together, a holiday or put towards rent. You're having to pay the higher rent because of the relationship breakdown and to house his kids so it is completely fair to use it for that.

It's hard when you have someone convincing you that you're being grabby and unreasonable, but you really aren't OP.

I'd try again now you've given him space. It definitely sounds like you should be getting much more, and you would be completely within your rights to go straight to CMS. I'd just try to agree something amicably if possible.

I might be reading this wrong, but my take is he's upset and looking to blame someone other than himself because it is hard to accept that your children don't want to be with you because of something you did. That's not fair, but if he's generally been decent, I'd give him another chance.

It's worth noting that he may not be easily able to come up with extra 500. Again, it sounds like you are entitled to it, but also have this in the back of your mind when discussing with him.

I am not saying you should allow him to get away with paying less than he is required to, but that IF you have been working together well so far I wouldn't jump straight to 'I'm going to CMS to get what I'm owed'. You've obviously only provided limited information here, but as I said if he is a arse maybe CM is the right approach. Only you know of he's an arse!

OP , Please go with CMS! If you find that it's somehow unfair; that he's pays more than DD costs you then put it aside for her without telling her.

This is how they control. By making us scared to say anything about 💔

Go with the CSM claim if that will be more than the half he pays currently, knowing that obviously that will stop, and will most likely not restart if you do get to a point that she starts to go again. Regarding your son- he still goes 50/50 I assume? Is the girlfriend now living there, which means you should be able to get the collateral from the house? Maybe remind him that all you're looking for is costs, and not that.

He sounds like he's being a dick. You sound very reasonable in saying £600 is more than you're out of pocket. If he's going to be so unreasonable I'd persue a child maintenance claim and anything extra putting savings account for when she's older.

As he has chosen to be a wanker first and a dad second I'd go via CMS. Saves all the baloney. Forget the spreadsheet. Your poor daughter, I wonder if he's said any of these awful things to her face.

CMS first thing today!

How much does the spreadsheet average out at i.e. how much is he paying there? A previous poster suggested 100 a month (i.e. that the spreadsheet costs are 200 and then split). Does that sound about right? Is there anything big coming up that you'd want him to pay 50% of?

Asking because he'll likely stop paying the spreadsheet costs if you go down the CMS route so you do need to play it carefully. It's very unlikely you'll be 600 up. Sounds like you'll be a fair amount up though.

Other thing is it's only been 3 months and she's 14. Do you think it's likely this is long term? Absolutely push for more, but be careful that you don't break down the co-parenting relationship if it's possible this is only temporary.

And then finally, his aggressive text isn't ok but is it possible this isn't so much about the money, but him being upset that her living with you and not seeing him much is being thought of as a long term thing? This might be completely off base, and he's actually just an arse, but if he is a 'good dad' it is something that would be really upsetting.

Doesn’t matter any extra money you put in a savings account for your dd. He’s legally bound to pay it. Are you that thick that you care about being seen as a goldigger than safeguarding your daughters rightful CMS claim?

Why are you not putting in that CMS claim? I think you want to seen as a matyr. The system is there for a reason. Lots of women have given you great advice. The real reason he doesn’t want to go through CMS is probably because his actual salary is much higher. Put that claim in now and enjoy the peace. Otherwise you’re probably someone from mumsnet Hq posting to keep engagement up.

you've been 'dealing with it gently for four months" for four months??!
stop prevaricating and get on with it
£600 a month? guesstimating that the spreadsheet payments average £100 a month, that's £2k you've lost out on in four months.

Just do CMS, that's money to benefit your daughter. If you don't need it put it in savings.

Cms for sure.

hilarious that he thinks you should be paying him