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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for my money back?

87 replies

Bitawkwarddilemma · 30/09/2024 13:36

Bit of an awkward one. I hate talking about money at the best of times!

My elderly neighbour is struggling a little, car is out of action at the moment and she seems a little lonely. So, I offered to run her to the supermarket at the weekend as, although her son takes her shopping, she likes to have a mooch round and get out.

DD and I took her yesterday, got our bits while neighbour got hers, then I gave neighbour a hand at the till and packing etc.

Neighbour is waiting for new bank card to arrive so only had cash, which I knew, but then the bill got rung up, it was £90 ABOVE what she had with her!
I just put the difference on my card as wanted to make it easy for neighbour, then I dropped her home and took her shopping in for her.
She asked for my bank details, which I wrote down for her, and then we said bye.

Money hasn't appeared yet but it's only been a day. If it had been £10 or £20 then I wouldn't have minded and probably written it off, but £90 is more than a weekly food shop for us! We simply can't afford it.

Ugg, I have her son's number but just feel so awkward. I'm starting to realise why he doesn't let her go shopping without him...and why he's quite 'bossy' with her (her words), he seems lovely and very approachable, but still.
have I been an idiot? Should I have offered to help her put some things back? That probably would've been easiest, but in the moment, I just wanted to help and didn't want her to feel embarrassed.
what would you do?

OP posts:
Toomanyemails · 04/10/2024 09:46

Is there any chance she didn't intend to spend so much, if she's a little quirky (and given that prices have soared in recent months!!)? So you may have been doing a favour helping put bits back, if she only wanted to spend the cash she had with her.
If your supermarket has those scanner things that could be an option, helps you tot it up as you go (I think, haven't actually used one!)

Viviennemary · 04/10/2024 09:43

HoraceGoesBonkers · 30/09/2024 13:47

It sounds like she's got form for this sort of thing if her son normally takes her. and also she's possibly gone off and bought high end stuff while he's not around to make sure she's stuck to a budget. Ask her now then get onto her son if they money doesn't appear pronto.

I agree. £90 is a lot for one person. I saw your update. I wouldn't pay again though I might take her. Then you can say before she leaves have you got your card. Have you got enough cash. If she can't pay at the till stuff will need to be put back.

HannahGsMummy · 04/10/2024 09:42

I’d probably call the son and let him know that you’d taken her, that she overspent, you’d paid and that she’s since paid you back. Be completely non accusatory and ask how the family would like you to handle in future. They may be suspicious of bank transfers to you if they don’t know the full circumstances.

I wouldn’t let it stop you taking her in future, she probably had a lovely time and enjoyed being non-reliant on her family and it was so kind of you to do it.

Terfarina · 04/10/2024 09:24

No way would I call her son - she is an adult and that would be humiliating for her

MrsWallers · 04/10/2024 09:16

I never lend money, always awkward getting it back! A few "friends" have asked my husband for loans, luckily he always asks me and I say no as I know we will never see the money again! One friend later declared herself bankrupt so I was definetely never seeing that money if we had loaned it. Unfortuntaley I think your neighbour saw you comng and was hoping that you wouldnt ask for the money back! But brilliant that it did come back to you as a stressful situation to be in.

Original poster
Bitawkwarddilemma · 02/10/2024 10:15

Thanks all.

if I had my time again (and if it was £90!) I'd probably say 'oh no, I haven't got that much at the moment, sorry, let me help you put a few things back'.
Like an earlier poster said, if it was £10 over,
I wouldn't be bothered..

Total shop was £195, as bulk buying to do batch cooking, plus lots of luxury bits, so - thinking about it- I wouldn't feel bad offering to help put bits back...

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 01/10/2024 08:17

I'm glad it's all sorted now but what on earth did she buy that meant she went £90 OVER budget?!!! That's some shop!

FinallyHere · 01/10/2024 07:58

Yeah, however lovely you want to be to others less fortunate than yourself, it never serves to lend anything that you cannot afford to loose.

What would you do differently @Bitawkwarddilemma if you had your time again?

BananaSplitSandwich · 01/10/2024 07:34

Glad it got sorted in the end but you shouldn’t have been made to feel bad for asking. We’ve recently lost been conned out of £30 by a relative, after we did them a favour, and they’re refusing point blank to pay us back. They’re making us feel bad for daring to ask for our money! Why do some people have that dubious talent??

Nsky62 · 01/10/2024 07:26

Bitawkwarddilemma · 30/09/2024 18:02

All sorted, she managed to transfer just now and called me 😊I'd offered to call her son when she was struggling with the online bits, to make
it easier for her so she didn't have to worry about it.
Feel a bit mean now for making such a big thing of it (on here and in my head that is, I didn't to her).
Lesson learned I guess - but what is that lesson? To not offer? And to help her put bits back or to not go at all?

Edited

Only offer what you can afford to lose, maybe £10, then it’s not a big deal

Original poster
Bitawkwarddilemma · 30/09/2024 18:29

Thanks Ricki, it's simple really. I guess in the moment my judgement went awry..

OP posts:
RickiRaccoon · 30/09/2024 18:27

I'd say the lesson is don't lend what you can't afford to lose. She went way over what she had to spend and it wasn't essential so she should have put it back. You can take her shopping with you but just don't pay for anything again.

Original poster
Bitawkwarddilemma · 30/09/2024 18:27

Agreed Barrio queen, she does have a quite a good support network (albeit a bit lonely at times), I can't afford it were it to happen again! (Though it turned out fine in the end). Maybe I'll stick to popping over for a cup of tea!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bitawkwarddilemma · 30/09/2024 18:25

Good idea lushlemon, he seems very nice and I would want someone to do the same if it were my mum.

OP posts:
BarrioQueen · 30/09/2024 18:20

I think I'd be busy if she asks again. I wouldn't want the hassle.

LushLemonTart · 30/09/2024 18:20

Good news. Maybe have a private word with the son? You don't have to mention your shopping trip.

Original poster
Bitawkwarddilemma · 30/09/2024 18:02

All sorted, she managed to transfer just now and called me 😊I'd offered to call her son when she was struggling with the online bits, to make
it easier for her so she didn't have to worry about it.
Feel a bit mean now for making such a big thing of it (on here and in my head that is, I didn't to her).
Lesson learned I guess - but what is that lesson? To not offer? And to help her put bits back or to not go at all?

OP posts:
TillyKister · 30/09/2024 16:04

£90 over what she had in cash???
That must have been one hell'uva shop for a single pensioner 😮

There's a reason why her Son is like he is, and it's probably to ensure she avoids getting into situations such as this. He wasn't around on this occasion, so this has occurred. I think you'd be best off getting in touch with her Son to explain.

I don't think I'd be getting involved with her online banking etc. It could leave you wide open to all manner of accusations. Contact the Son, and make him aware. I wouldn't get involved with taking her shopping again.

It's different if it's a loaf or a box of teabags, but a £90+ shop is something else entirely.

Ivehearditbothways · 30/09/2024 15:51

What did she say? She doesn’t know the log in? Or she doesn’t know how it works?

You really just need to text the son. He clearly handles taking her shopping and keeping her from doing stuff like this, you stepped in and instead of standing back and letting her deal with paying for stuff, you gave her money. He needs to know.

Ohfuckrucksack · 30/09/2024 15:44

Just because she's old doesn't mean she's not pulling a fast one.

She knew how much cash she had but somehow went £90 over.

Her internet banking 'isn't working'

Call her son now. It might be time to take some of her high end items back to the shop.

It is unfortunately true that no good deed goes unpunished.

Nsky62 · 30/09/2024 15:33

Bitawkwarddilemma · 30/09/2024 13:42

Thanks Barrio, I don't think I'll be going again, she's sweet, quite eccentric, but it's just awkward now. Everything she chose was very high end, that's why it cost so much.
I'll leave it till the end of this week.

She should have put stuff back, shouldn’t have offered, esp as you can’t afford to.
Unlikely you’ll see money

Original poster
Bitawkwarddilemma · 30/09/2024 15:26

Popped round but she couldn't get her online banking to work!

OP posts:
LushLemonTart · 30/09/2024 14:07

Hope it's sorted soon. That's too large amount to let go.

Wendysfriend · 30/09/2024 14:02

Bitawkwarddilemma · 30/09/2024 13:52

Thanks all, I was just sitting stewing so gave her a quick call (she's my neighbour but a few mins walk away) and she said she's been trying but hasn't managed as she couldn't read my writing, so I've said I'll pop in on way to do school run, so fingers crossed all will be sorted!
thank you everyone - was getting a bit anxious about it all!

That's great, she might not know how to do a bank transfer and pretending to not be able to read your writing and waiting for her son to help. Hopefully you get it sorted today

twomanyfrogsinabox · 30/09/2024 13:55

I wouldn't embarrass her to her son straight away, that's totally assuming she's incapable and may be really insulting. Give her a chance to pay, just ask her like you would anyone else, could you pay the money you owe me I'm a bit short myself this week. If she doesn't remember, or seems confused then raise it with the son.

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