To ask for my money back?

* *

@Miffylou @MilesOfCarpetTiles
Happily say it again
Please ask for your money.

@MilesOfCarpetTiles you are that person, aren’t you? Taking MN a bit too seriously, pointing out the shortcomings of others, tut tut and stomp your foot? Sheesh and nuts to you,

she couldn't read my writing

she couldn't get her online banking to work!

Yea right. I see you have received the money now for which I'm glad. You earlier used the word "ditsy" to describe her.

I wonder if it's all an act she's putting on.

I wouldn't dream of asking someone to pay my shopping and if I'd been caught out, i.e. left my bank card behind, I'd reimburse them as soon as I arrived home after putting the shopping away....

@Miffylou @waterygrave I ask this as a genuine question - what do you gain by posting on this thread telling the OP to do something she's already done and posted about?

Do you really only read the first post and assume nothing has changed?

You can read all the OP's updates with a click of a button. If you don't know how I'm happy to explain.

Please ask for you money.

You were being very kind and I’m sorry you’ve ended up suffering for it! It sounds as if the neighbour intended to repay you, since she asked for your bank details, but has either forgotten or doesn’t know how to do it.

I would give it another day or two, then remind her. You could ask if she would like your help in transferring the money to your account. There’s no shame in telling her you really need it urgently. She will probably be mortified. Only if then it still doesn’t happen would I contact her son, because that could be very humiliating for her.

Hi OP,
I'm glad the money was all sorted but if I were you I would send her son a text or give him a call to just let him know what happened. If he helps his mum with banking and sees money transferred to you without knowing the backstory he might jump to the conclusion that you are exploiting his mum. If you let him know at the moment he will see all that shopping and understand how that happened.

Glad you got it sorted OP. We recently got conned out of £30 in similar circumstances. I say conned because the person knew exactly what they were doing and it just sucks. However, I’m laughing now because they’re the trustee of a trust that DH and his siblings are due to benefit from, it’s quite substantial, and it’s going to be paying out in the next couple of weeks. This person isn’t due anything and is going to be so miffed! DH was planning on giving him a bit, don’t thing we’ll bother now.

For reference, it’s not the first time they’ve conned us out of money so we don’t feel bad. I just hope they do their duty as trustee and we don’t have to go down the legal route.

The only way this could be avoided in the future is if you concentrate on what she is putting in her basket / trolly and mentally adding it up as you go along, having asked/checked how much cash she has on her and / or if she has a bank card with her
but the potential problem with just having a bank card is of course there may not be enough in the account ( or she forgets her PIn and the card gets blocked on the 3rd failed attempt ).

I third this. My nan became quite forgetful/cognitvely impaired in her 80s and told me she thought her neighbour had taken stuff from her house (neighbour was lovely and often popped round to see her). She was utterly convinced the neighbour had taken her rings that she used to keep on the mantelpiece.

She almost had me convinced as she was so adamant about it until we found them in the bathroom- she had taken them off and left them in the bathroom cabinet. It would have been utterly horrendous if that had gone any further and the neighbour would have definitely stopped coming round which would have meant she would have lost a social contact. Be careful.

I don't think you made a big thing of it at all. Honestly it's a lot of money. I think you were right to notify her son. Going that much over and not being able to access the money she clearly had, are indications that she isn't quite coping with managing her money. Even if you could easily afford to give her £90 and were happy to, from a care perspective her son needs to know that she is struggling with keeping track of her spending and accessing her money.

I would have helped her pay for the basics - milk, tea bags, a few ready meals , and biscuits. But not £90 pounds over her budget.

Glad it got sorted. If you use the handheld scanners in bigger supermarkets she can keep an eye on the running total as you go round (if she actually cares how much she spends - sounds like this was mainly due to having to fall back on cash only).

I also second this. My DM(85) is showing a sudden cognitive decline. Her short-term memory is shot. She has also become very suspicious.

She could easily be the neighbour in this situation. She could forget she had been shopping and then be quite accusatory if payment was requested.

She didn't ask, the OP offered to take her shopping.

Not to freak you out but I'd be quite careful with money matters and the elderly. If she starts to get confused or forgets later on and tells people you've been asking her for money it could look quite bad on you

A worthwhile reminder, @watertable, and an excellent reason not to get involved more than necessary where money's concerned

Maybe she enjoyed getting the luxury items as her son doesn’t let her go overboard?

Edited to add perhaaps he doesn't, @Surprise50, but there may be historical reasons for that, and if this kind of choice is unusual it only needs her to say "Ooooo OP thought it was lovely" for suspicions to start

As she’s paid the money back, I would definitely help her again if needed. Maybe she enjoyed getting the luxury items as her son doesn’t let her go overboard? She probably really enjoyed being out with someone other than her son, would have made a lovely change for her.

So you have got the money back?

im torn on this one - I used to know someone who looked after her gran like the son does. Friend took her shopping and always stopped her buying expensive stuff, managed the bills etc which seemed nice. Except when gran died there was a Lot of money to inherit. The gran could have been buying whatever the fuck she wanted . She didn’t really understand technology/online banking, frequently forgot cards or had no money with her, but that was just an age-related organisational issue. Not an affordability one

Obvs doesn’t mean she should rely on you tho!

Be careful, an elderly neighbour in our street accused another neighbour (who had been kindness itself to her) of stealing from her home.
It led to a police investigation. 😞

Lesson learned I guess - but what is that lesson? To not offer? And to help her put bits back or to not go at all?

Glad it's sorted for now, OP
You could take her again if you wanted to, but I'd make sure to ask whether she has enough cash on her and keep an eye on what she's spending with an occasional "reminder" if necessary

You could even take cash yourself for once, and explain you only have £x to hand. If she's genuinely confused she may go for the "high end items" again and have to put them back, but if something else is going on this might flush it out

OP- dont lend her money again. Not to freak you out but I'd be quite careful with money matters and the elderly. If she starts to get confused or forgets later on and tells people you've been asking her for money it could look quite bad on you.

I've seen people get burnt like this before when all they were doing was trying to help. Best to keep completely out of money matters for everyone's sake.

Most definitely ask for the money back, it's a lot of money.

Me too. Unless she has cognitive impairment how the heck can you go £90 over your budget and not realise??- thats not just one or two items.

I wouldnt take her shopping again- this is likely to happen again and she already has her son to take her shopping.

I'd be sticking to popping round for a cup of tea now and then if you enjoy chatting to her. But I absolutely wouldnt get involved in anything in future that involves money being spent. You arent a cash machine.

Don’t think it’s that awkward?

No need to involve the son. That turns it into a thing, which it isn’t.

Just say, “oh btw neighbour please could you transfer me the £90 today?”

If she doesn’t, remind her again in a couple of days.

After that, yeah, contact the son I guess.

Call my cynical, but I'd have a strong suspicion she did this deliberately.

Just pop round and say the money hasn't arrived in the account yet and can you check you gave her the correct account details