To ask for my money back?

The lesson learnt, is to ask the person, not allow your head to make up a completely fabricated story around the non payment. Took me years to learn this and I still forget sometimes. 😊

Just ask her! Don't treat her like a child and go behind her back to her son.

You're lucky you got your money back. The son might have said 'who asked you to help out?'.

Tread carefully with 'ditzy' elderly neighbours, my MIL's car wasn't working for a while but that was because she had dementia and we had disconnected the battery before she had a chance to run someone over. She also used to go wild shopping for tons of stuff she didn't need and most went in the bin.

Sounds like she has some form of dementia and can't be trusted with money which is why her son is looking after her.

Good that it’s all sorted but you didn’t overreact at all - £90 over? That’s an absolutely bonkers amount.

Online transfer isn't easy for elderly and getting someone to go to the bank and withdraw cash not easy either.

Looks like the lesson is give her the benefit of the doubt and help if she needs it and you have time.

Call her son. Tell him the whole tale. Let him pay you and sort it out and don't do this again. £90 is a lot over budget especially when this was an unplanned mooch

She tried to pay, got confused with online banking, sorted it out. What's all the fuss about?

Glad you got it sorted. I think it's important to mention this episode to the lady's son. If you offer to take her shopping again, you could help by checking how much she has to spend before you set out, and helping her keep to budget. If you have the time, and are willing, that is. It won't look good to have bank transfers from her account to yours if she is starting to get confused and therefore vulnerable to abuse.

I would tell the son and say that you wanted to be open and transparent about what happened. That she's sorted it all out but in hindsight you are wondering if she's supposed to be working to a stricter budget.
I would be very careful that under no circumstances does anyone get the impression that she is being at risk of taken advantage of. Especially as you've been so kind.
It is really common that people financially abuse pensioners*. So if he's checking her accounts and asks her how on earth she managed to spend £200 in two days or where £90 has gone to, he's going to be initially at least very concerned.

*I work in an area where this regularly comes up and we have to train our staff to look out for it.

Urgh, sorry, didn't read full thread ...

I wouldn't hesitate to tell the son. If it was my DM it would be very likely she'd forgotten (she has early dementia) and even if she hadn't, she can no longer figure out online banking. I now have financial POA for her - for all you know, her son might do too. If anyone told me they had taken DM shopping and she hadn't paid them back, I would transfer it over from her account in two seconds flat. Tell him.

It’s been sorted a few pages back! If you click on ‘see all’ next to the op’s post you can see what happened.

I think you're projecting the awkwardness - she asked for your bank details, let her know it hasn't come through and tell her you'll happily take cash.

For all you know she's got spooked by the first payment to new payee fraud warnings and then forgotten about it.

If her son is doing a lot of her admin for her then I would tell him.

My DM was in this situation, DB does do a lot of her banking with/for her. If he saw a payment going out he would be suspicious. DM would easily 'forget' she had been shopping and bought so much. This could then lead to trouble for OP.

I didn't point anything out other than how to read the OP's posts on a thread.

If you think not doing that is a "shortcoming", well I would agree, but I didn't say so.

I'm not taking it any more seriously than you, I genuinely want to know - when you click on a thread and read the OP, do you not look to see what else they've posted on the thread?

It's difficult, isn't it. Of course it's too much money to write off, but if she's elderly and a bit ditsy as you describe, perhaps she doesn't use internet or telephone banking and may need to go to her bank to arrange a transfer? I think I would give her a few more days before involving her son.

... why is everyone so keen to involve the son. Unless she has a definite diagnosis of dementia. It’s so ageist. She’s not a child

On one level I agree, @RunnerDown, but then I remember my own late, exMIL, who's friends had almost completely deserted her by the end for exactly this sort of reason

A pig though he is, my ex would doubtless have been happy to work with them and ease things as far as possible, but because nobody ever said anything he learned nothing of this until she was gone ... a case, really, of being damned if you do and also if you don't

To be fair, if she has no problems with her memory or cognition then it's a bit odd she went £90 over in her shopping then isnt it?- thats a lot over.

If she's a perfectly capable adult then she can put her stuff back next time rather than expecting OP to sub her the money

I agree, it’s demeaning to involve the son.
people seem to be assuming the worst.

Perhaps she has plenty of money in bank account and welcomed the chance to browse and buy some treats, and didn’t bother checking the cost of items as she shopped.

I think you shouldn’t offer again. But why is everyone so keen to involve the son. Unless she has a definite diagnosis of dementia. It’s so ageist. She’s not a child.
How would younger folk feel if they were trying to sort out the money they owed someone but the person phoned their children to let them know about it

Muffins should be muggins. Got love predictive text.

If you were to feel sorry for her and take her again I’d make it clear that you haven’t got enough money on you or even in your account to bail her out and that she would have to put things back if she went over.

some people you never get your money back from.
my neighbour came into us years ago in floods of tears saying she didn’t have all the money for the mortgage and that her husband would be extremely angry if he found out.
well pair of muffins that we were lent her £100 which was a lot of money then.
she asked how we’d like it repayed. We said save it until you’ve got the amount instead of giving it in dribs and drabs

well months went by almost a year and DH asked if DN had mentioned the money. I said no she hasn’t actually so he said ask her and see what she says.
next time I saw her I asked how much she had saved. Talk about biting my head off. She went into this angry fit of shouting and said things come up that you don’t plan for and I’ve had to use it. In the end we knew we weren’t ever going to get it back and told her to keep it.

At the end of the day it wasn’t worth falling out and we were comfortably off so didn’t really miss the money.
but where do people get off borrowing what they know they have no intention of paying it back.

Not long after they had the house repossessed. We weren’t surprised because they were terrible with money.
She would do things like buying bras in every colour to match her outfits. Nothing wrong with that if you can afford it.
They had their house coated in this treatment that made it weather proof for 20 years which cost them £15.000 and being an end of terrace must have reflected on the price.
We were sorry to see them go because apart from the money they weren’t bad neighbours.
Anyway I’m glad you’re sorted.
Once bitten twice shy.