To be so pissed off?

She can probably sense you don’t love her, you didn’t even say you like her just you don’t dislike her, that must be horrible for her

So… several people around you have died in mysterious circumstances. You’ve floated the idea that they must have been tragically accidentally poisoned by old makeup. And everyone else has agreed that there’s no other possible explanation and you all moved on?

Just one more question….?

Considering the OP's stepdaughter is only 12, the problems are deeper than stealing make up.

Someone needs to tell Panorama 😬

😂😂😂Same! Honestly, my first thought was that 20-year-old make up is grim! But I'd be shocked to hear that people are losing limbs by double dipping their make up brush. And the poster has seen not just one, but SEVERAL people who have lost limbs from this?! 😂😂😂

i have some Biba pots with eye make up and powder in them from the 70s. They were my mum's and while i don't use the make up, if some teen girl in my house took them without permission - and especially if she then smeared it on the walls - there would be payback. Consequences. I would be taking and using her stuff that she regards just as highly.

I would not be locking things away in my own bloody house. DSD needs to learn that just because things are not locked away, she can't just take them. From a throwaway comment OP made maybe DSDs mum is also on board?

So, here's the wishy-washy perspective:

Try talking to your DSD?

Not disciplining, not getting DH to do it - you're pissed off because you don't know what's going on, you've tried to make an intervention through DH, and it hasn't worked, and you're confused about why. You don't understand what DSD is up to, i.e. taking make up when she has her own, daubing it on the walls etc, and it's frustrating

So ask her - preferably in a nice setting, where you can really listen to her answer. It will also give you a chance to explain to her why the items are important to you, how the situation makes you feel, and get a firm commitment from her not to do it again. If she goes back on that, you'll at least know that she knows what she's doing is wrong, by her own standards.

As for the OP question 'Am I being unreasonable' - no, not really, not at this stage. Taking the commitment to making a family, navigating the feelings involved, learning to live together etc, these things are all super difficult, for you and for her. Janky situations are always going to pop up. There's a reasonable slice of the posts above that boil down to 'I'd get cross and leave' and that's fine, we all get to choose our path, but that ultimately represents (literally) an inability to live together.

Based on the ages of your respective kids, and the fact that you've still got make up from back-when, this is quite possibly the first time you've tried to navigate a living situation like this. It's normal and reasonable to feel frustrated.

But you're an adult, you've taken on a responsibility to live with and provide care for a child. If you strive to treat all the kids equally, then think how you would address it in the first instance if it was your DD doing this. And no it may be that your DD would never take anything without asking, but believe me, there is some janky, baffling unexpected behaviour coming down the track from DD too. If there's any part of your brain that harbours doubts that DSD is just different, because she's not like you, because she's not related by blood, you need to address that pronto because that's not a fair way to treat a child.

No doubt your property needs to be respected, and definitely there's some parenting involved in fixing that, but it's also worth reflecting on whether the situation might offer the opportunity for growth for you too.

Anyway - hope it all turns out for the best whatever you choose ✌️

As an aside the amount of bacteria and germs in a palette of 20 years old does not bear thinking about - the reason they have ‘use within 6 months’ of opening on the box is to stop infections developing from make up that has been used multiple times, with multiple brushes etc - all of which harbour germs!

Make up lasts 12 m maximum once opened. Let her have it and buy some new stuff. The bacteria!

👆

ALL 👏 BEHAVIOUR 👏 IS 👏 COMMUNICATION 👏

Maybe you should have some quality time with her? She's obviously struggling and needs one on one time, either with you or DP. Why is your stuff more important than her wellbeing?

I used to do this to my mother when I was young (although I didn't purposefully break anything, that bit might well be accidental).

She got a lock, I learnt to pick it.
In hindsight I think the best thing to make me stop would have been randomly taking and using things that were important to me. I might have stopped as a truce.

Everything else builds resentment. A ring camera indoors is far more fucked up than a child stealing makeup, imo.

But then, I’ve seen several people end up dead, or with missing limbs, or in life threatening situations with damage causing life long consequences where the best guess has been maybe via old make up.

That's your BEST guess??

Not sure whether to 🤣 or 😳

Of course it’s potentially dangerous: eye infections, shared skin disease, sepsis.

OP is a hoarder: old wrappers, unopened cheetos, 20 year old makeup.

Dsd still wrong but OP is not merely eccentric.

No real advice OP as I can't imagine how to improve such behaviour.
But I wanted to address the shock at using old makeup.
I also have a couple of very sentimental makeup as well! A beautiful Dior eyeshadow palette well over 20 years old. Still fine to use and I don't share it with anyone. I use it very rarely to keep it as long as I can. I love the packaging and the colours and quality.
Bought on my first trip to Italy with my own money when I was sooo young. Made me feel so accomplished when I made that purchase and it was special to me: something expensive and of good quality for my age at the time and bought all on my own as such a young woman.
The other one is a Chanel lipstick which belonged to my grandmother. A truly beautiful piece, very old, mostly used already by her, the pigment is still incredibly vivid and lasts forever on application, but I never used it on my lips as it's probably not safe and the colour doesn't suit me.
I still have the expensive (to me at the time) nail polish and lipstick from my wedding day. Beautiful and understated and I sometimes still use, but I want to keep them as a memory.
The first bottle of perfume from DH, the classic Chanel. I dislike the smell but how was he to know, it's so old now as well although the scent doesn't appear to have changed. It was a disappointment to receive it at the time because I thought wtf is my fiancé doing giving me a huge bottle of expensive perfume for old women which I don't even like the smell of. But I was gracious about it and it is special to me even now.

OP says in her OP that her DSD has loads of her own makeup.

She has her own make up

Perhaps take her to buy her own make up. Perhaps it’s a cry she wants you to help her.

Lipstick worn on a first date, blush purchased with first paycheck etc.

I understand makeup having sentimental value, I wouldn't keep wearing it though. I would just keep it in a memory box.

OP, taking makeup and bits is normal. But the painting on the walls with it isn't. That is a big red flag to me of either her being ND or there being abuse going on.

It isn't "normal" acting out and smearing things on walls is typically an immediate safeguarding flag. Especially at her age as it is seen as a regression.

There's something wrong here.

I’d be giving it away if it’s 20 year old make up. Cosmetics have best before dates and 20 years is pushing it.

Some bits are worthless but many have sentimental value (for example I still have a few bits I bought 20+ years ago and believe it or not still use them!)

I have no idea how make up can have sentimental value and understand, even less, how after 20 years any kind of make up is still usable.

Personally, if it was me, I would get Dad to sit her down and tell her that whilst this is her home, there are personal things in the house that belong to others and it is not polite to take it without first asking and being told it is OK.

Get him to tell her that you have some sentimental stuff that she may not know about and so she shouldn't take without asking and receiving permission first.

Tell her that if things keep continuing to walk into her room without permission, then select items will be removed from her room to see how she likes it and they will not be returned. Sometimes tough love and appreciation of the others loss is the only way to go.

This must come from Dad though and not you!

Teenagers "stealing" make up is normal. Your DD asks you for what she wants because, she's your DD and has a solid relationship with you. The solid and strong relationship your step-daughter doesn't have with you.

She's 12, little more than a child. I think you are too concerned about protecting your make up instead of treating her the way you treat your own DD.

When my sister and I were teenagers we were always nicking makeup and clothes from each other and our mum.
I get if you want your DH to come down harder on it, but I think some of the responses above are a bit dramatic claiming she must be neurodiverse, jealous of you etc.