Page 4 | To be so pissed off?

OkStepmum · 2024-09-30T09:53:25+00:00

Full context I've been with my DH for seven years and my DSD is 12. We've always had a few problems because she has used my stuff (an iPad a few years ago) and now my makeup without asking. I've always been clear she can use it if she asks, not just take it without permission. This year I noticed my makeup started to disappear. Some bits are worthless but many have sentimental value (for example I still have a few bits I bought 20+ years ago and believe it or not still use them!) I told my DH to have a chat with her. He did a few of them. Maybe about a month ago I saw she took one of those precious bits of makeup and she completely destroyed it. So I had enough and told him he had to discipline her. Up to that point we thought the matter was solved. Until yesterday... When I found even more makeup and some newish eyeliners, including the empty box of my engagement ring. She claimed she didn't know how they appeared in her room. I knew she took them. DH wanted a clean slate, I asked him to go through her drawers and voila! More of my missing makeup. He doesn't necessarily think I'm over reacting but I hate being portrayed as the evil step mum when it's my stuff! We have bought her tons of her own makeup. Some even came in very nice cases and she just ends up destroying it all. We actually don't know why, but she paints on the walls/paper/her bed with it. After this last episode I'm worried she might take my jewellery too.

nootcoffee · 04/10/2024 18:19

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 18:16

The mementos are all in designated and labeled boxes, they’re not strewn over the floor 😂

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sweet wrappers, unopened packets of cheerios? all in storage in your family home?

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 18:16

nootcoffee · 04/10/2024 18:14

Yes

But what is it like for members of your household to live amongst rubbish?

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The mementos are all in designated and labeled boxes, they’re not strewn over the floor 😂

nootcoffee · 04/10/2024 18:14

OkStepmum · 04/10/2024 18:08

It's ok! It's part of my flavour of ND.

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Yes

But what is it like for members of your household to live amongst rubbish?

Original poster

OkStepmum · 04/10/2024 18:08

nootcoffee · 04/10/2024 18:07

OP have you thought about starting a thread on the mental health board about your hoarding?

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It's ok! It's part of my flavour of ND.

OP posts:

nootcoffee · 04/10/2024 18:07

OkStepmum · 04/10/2024 12:00

You would find most of the things I hoard a bit strange. I have chocolate wrappers, unopened bags of Cheetos...

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OP have you thought about starting a thread on the mental health board about your hoarding?

nootcoffee · 04/10/2024 18:04

Justalittlenaughty · 04/10/2024 17:45

I have 20 year old Dior eyeshadow palette that is fine

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You can’t have liked it very much
So why keep it?

Justalittlenaughty · 04/10/2024 17:45

Crunchymum · 30/09/2024 10:58

including the empty box of my engagement ring did she take your ring?

Has 20 year old make up not gone off bad now? (or do you mean things like brushes?)

Yep you need a lock on your door, pronto.

Edited

I have 20 year old Dior eyeshadow palette that is fine

Original poster

OkStepmum · 04/10/2024 17:42

Harry12345 · 04/10/2024 17:37

Smearing make up on bedding and walls and being scared of the toaster isn’t normal behaviour for a child that age, she sounds like she is ND

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Her DM works with NV children, she has a degree in educational psychology or something like that, so I'd assume she would have been able to pick it up.

I'm NV myself and don't see any traits.

OP posts:

Harry12345 · 04/10/2024 17:37

OkStepmum · 04/10/2024 17:05

No, she's lived with between 50/50 and 40/60 for the past seven years.

She's always been fair "babyish" (she was scared of the toaster until she was like 10).

She also always makes her self gargantuan milkshakes every weekend, but as she drinks them, we've been fairly ok with it.

Like I said the separation/re-coupling happened many many moons ago so I doubt it has anything to do with this. She does spend 1:1 time with her dad, but one key difference is that her DM is very crafty and I'm not. I go through phases of baking, but that's where it ends.

AFAIK there's no abuse or anything. From what I understood she also has odd behaviours with toiletries at her mum's, but that hasn't really been discussed.

She's top of her class, has plenty of friends, etc...

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Smearing make up on bedding and walls and being scared of the toaster isn’t normal behaviour for a child that age, she sounds like she is ND

Original poster

OkStepmum · 04/10/2024 17:05

Candystore22 · 04/10/2024 16:43

It’s VERY odd behaviour for a 12yo to be drawing on the walls /bed etc with make up. That’s something you’d expect toddlers to do.
Something else is going on, she’s using this behaviour to communicate that she’s not ok. How is her behaviour otherwise? Is she living with you fulltime? How long have you and her dad been together? How does she feel about her parent’s seperation (and you being in the picture)? Is she getting any time alone with dad? Has something else changed before this started? Any bullying? Abuse? Sorry to ask difficult questions, but I don’t think this is about the make-up, WHAT she’s doing with the make up is the unusual behaviour.

No, she's lived with between 50/50 and 40/60 for the past seven years.

She's always been fair "babyish" (she was scared of the toaster until she was like 10).

She also always makes her self gargantuan milkshakes every weekend, but as she drinks them, we've been fairly ok with it.

Like I said the separation/re-coupling happened many many moons ago so I doubt it has anything to do with this. She does spend 1:1 time with her dad, but one key difference is that her DM is very crafty and I'm not. I go through phases of baking, but that's where it ends.

AFAIK there's no abuse or anything. From what I understood she also has odd behaviours with toiletries at her mum's, but that hasn't really been discussed.

She's top of her class, has plenty of friends, etc...

OP posts:

Candystore22 · 04/10/2024 16:43

It’s VERY odd behaviour for a 12yo to be drawing on the walls /bed etc with make up. That’s something you’d expect toddlers to do.
Something else is going on, she’s using this behaviour to communicate that she’s not ok. How is her behaviour otherwise? Is she living with you fulltime? How long have you and her dad been together? How does she feel about her parent’s seperation (and you being in the picture)? Is she getting any time alone with dad? Has something else changed before this started? Any bullying? Abuse? Sorry to ask difficult questions, but I don’t think this is about the make-up, WHAT she’s doing with the make up is the unusual behaviour.

PixieLaLar · 04/10/2024 15:29

ItTook9Years · 04/10/2024 15:06

SD is almost certainly jealous that OP gets her dad’s attention but her father should be making it clear that this behaviour isn’t acceptable and won’t be tolerated.

Yes I agree with this, DH needs to step up here and support you that this is not acceptable.

The stealing and lying is one thing but the disrespect of her going into your bedroom and sneaking about is equally as bad.

CatamaranViper · 04/10/2024 15:17

HoppingPavlova · 30/09/2024 11:57

I’m more worried about the DD wearing the 20yo make-up tbh. I’ve taught mine to write the date (month/year) when they first open/use something, throw after 12mths, and use single use applicators wherever possible, no double dipping, any brushes washed and dried properly after every use. But then, I’ve seen several people end up dead, or with missing limbs, or in life threatening situations with damage causing life long consequences where the best guess has been maybe via old make up. Please tell your DD not to do this as she’s literally taking her life in her hands.

I too am cautious about using expired makeup so throw it away after the appropriate amount of time, but single use applicators are often horrendous for the environment.

I'd love to know where you live where several people have died and lost limbs because of old makeup....I know of one person who had an slight eye infection once which may or may not have been related to an old mascara

ItTook9Years · 04/10/2024 15:06

SD is almost certainly jealous that OP gets her dad’s attention but her father should be making it clear that this behaviour isn’t acceptable and won’t be tolerated.

nootcoffee · 04/10/2024 15:06

this issue aside, what is your relationship like with her

ItTook9Years · 04/10/2024 15:05

LookItsMeAgain · 04/10/2024 14:44

I suggested that she may be jealous of the OP.

I grew up in a household full of girls - we never stole any makeup from our mother. We may have asked if we might use some every once in a while (until such time as we could afford to have our own). I still thing there is some underlying issue relating to the fact that the OP is not her mother but her step mother and the child here is in a state upset of some sort because she is trying to find her place in the family and is struggling in the new family set up.

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What new set up? The OP has been with this child’s father for more than half her life

Original poster

OkStepmum · 04/10/2024 14:45

PersephoneAgrees · 04/10/2024 13:49

I'm a bit concerned about the OP's comment about hoarding chocolate wrappers and old packets of crisps - maybe the house is so full of 'stuff' the stepdaughter can't differentiate between what is valuable and what is rubbish. If the house is a tip, then maybe the child doesn't think drawing on the walls really matters.

My "mementos" are all in designated and labeled boxes. The makeup is slightly different because some of it I still use it (same as perfumes).

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 04/10/2024 14:44

Isthismykarma · 04/10/2024 12:03

When my sister and I were teenagers we were always nicking makeup and clothes from each other and our mum.
I get if you want your DH to come down harder on it, but I think some of the responses above are a bit dramatic claiming she must be neurodiverse, jealous of you etc.

I suggested that she may be jealous of the OP.

I grew up in a household full of girls - we never stole any makeup from our mother. We may have asked if we might use some every once in a while (until such time as we could afford to have our own). I still thing there is some underlying issue relating to the fact that the OP is not her mother but her step mother and the child here is in a state upset of some sort because she is trying to find her place in the family and is struggling in the new family set up.

ItTook9Years · 04/10/2024 13:58

Alondra · 04/10/2024 12:12

Some bits are worthless but many have sentimental value (for example I still have a few bits I bought 20+ years ago and believe it or not still use them!)

I have no idea how make up can have sentimental value and understand, even less, how after 20 years any kind of make up is still usable.

I still have the eye make up pallette I used for my wedding make up 20 years ago. There’s a shade in there I have never found again so I’m keeping to use for special occasions!

PersephoneAgrees · 04/10/2024 13:49

I'm a bit concerned about the OP's comment about hoarding chocolate wrappers and old packets of crisps - maybe the house is so full of 'stuff' the stepdaughter can't differentiate between what is valuable and what is rubbish. If the house is a tip, then maybe the child doesn't think drawing on the walls really matters.

HoppingPavlova · 04/10/2024 13:49

No, the death certificate would state the actual end game of infection e.g. systemic sepsis. However, quite a few cases that’s what’s been determined as the likely culprit. That’s why most make up should/does have an expiry on the packaging in pictorial form, such as use within 12mths of opening/throw out after 12mths from opening. Most people throw the packaging obviously. It’s meant to be on the product if there is room though but most manufacturers don’t if on outer packaging.

ItTook9Years · 04/10/2024 13:41

But then, I’ve seen several people end up dead, or with missing limbs, or in life threatening situations with damage causing life long consequences where the best guess has been maybe via old make up. Please tell your DD not to do this as she’s literally taking her life in her hands.

Theres an infection risk with some things but this is a bit scaremongery! Are there really death certificates with “used a 15 year old blusher” as cause of death?!

InitiativeUsed · 04/10/2024 13:40

Brefugee · 04/10/2024 13:37

well yes, but that is for her father and mother to handle. In the meantime, in OPs shoes, i would be trashing something of DSDs every time she did the same to me.

OPs DD isn't behaving like that, so there's no comparison, but OP has already said that she wouldn't put up with it from her either.

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You'd go tit for tat with a 12 year old..?

PersephoneAgrees · 04/10/2024 13:39

LoobyDoop2 · 04/10/2024 13:20

So… several people around you have died in mysterious circumstances. You’ve floated the idea that they must have been tragically accidentally poisoned by old makeup. And everyone else has agreed that there’s no other possible explanation and you all moved on?

Just one more question….?

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I can sense an entire Netflix miniseries out of that comment alone, not just a one off episode of Columbo. One person is surrounded by amputees and dead people and the only thing they have in common is a shared Rimmel lipgloss 😂

Brefugee · 04/10/2024 13:37

Alondra · 04/10/2024 13:19

Considering the OP's stepdaughter is only 12, the problems are deeper than stealing make up.

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well yes, but that is for her father and mother to handle. In the meantime, in OPs shoes, i would be trashing something of DSDs every time she did the same to me.

OPs DD isn't behaving like that, so there's no comparison, but OP has already said that she wouldn't put up with it from her either.