To be so pissed off?

I find it really sad that you came into your SDs life when she was 5, and you've never grown to love her. My husband came into my daughter's life when she was 4, and he loves and adores her. I wouldn't want to marry and live with someone who didn't love my kids, let alone have more with them, as I can't imagine making my daughter live with someone who doesn't love her.

Oh yea she sounds like she definitely needs help but still up her own arse and the child is definitely the one suffering

to me the OP sounds like she would benefit from some professional

and this poor child

in fact all the children i suspect are suffering in this scenario

So what? Non of that is OP’s fault, why should she have her private space violated and possessions stolen from her in her own home?

Unacceptable behaviour needs to be addressed not sweep under the carpet and excuses made.

You sound so up your own arse it’s unreal

Not the point of this thread but please stop using out of date make up www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/risks-of-using-expired-makeup#:~:text=Risks%20are%20associated%20with%20using,have%20reached%20their%20expiration%20date.

Your contempt for her bleeds through every post.

Well there you have it—at 12 the difference between her mother’s lifestyle and yours, between her life chances and your daughter’s, are becoming evident to her. Her mother had to give up a career and become a TA “for the flexibility “ while her father moved in with a woman who made no compromises and out earns everyone and has all the nice things and special things. Sounds like magical thinking and she is taking what is yours to find a way to securely inhabit your world.

and what’s their ages? how does DH’s dd get on with the other children

either way op… this girl needs professional support and it’s sad that no adult seems to have progressed this before now

do you have one child and your dh has one too? how old is your daughter?

I just can’t fathom how none of the adults in this scenario actually seem worried about this girl given. her very concerning behaviour

and their DM has either been a SAHM or has had fairly junior education based roles.

The DM is an educational psychologist 🫤

This is so very obviously a very troubled little girl

And? how is your daughter now?

It sounds like a compulsive behaviour. Stealing things she’s really want, they lying about it. There is surely more going on than just naughtiness/dishonestly.

Being afraid of a toaster till 10 and smearing make up on the walls /bed etc are NOT normal.
Don’t assume the mum would have picked up on it because she has a degree in educational psychology. She wouldn’t be the first parent working in the field to not recognise issues in their own child.
Also, don’t assume (IF neurodiversity were the reason) that she will show the same signs as you (I think I picked up that are neurodiverse, my apologies if I read that incorrrectly).
But there could also be other reasons. To me all flags are still raised for it being a massive cry for help. There is something going on with her. She needs to be assessed and get therapy for whatever the cause is for her behaviours. But please believe me, being scared of a toaster and smearing make up is NOT normal behaviour.

If you don't love her, she will feel that. You can't possibly treat them equally if you love one but not the other.

I can't help feeling there's more to this than apparent, as others have said

OP is there a big difference in lifestyle between the two households? I'm wondering if maybe she thinks you don't deserve nice things if her mum doesn't have them, or something like that?

I was going to say this, it’s fine to keep the sentimental makeup, but I definitely wouldn’t recommend using it, it can cause infections or nasty skin conditions.

Obviously regardless step daughter shouldn’t be taking or using without permission, my younger sister used to do this and it went on until she went to Uni, where she now does it to her housemates 🙃

I've read parts of the thread. So I understand your step daughter repeatedly steals or damages your things. Your husband has been asked to discipline his child so she learns to stop stealing from you, this is slow coming or not happening effectively. Etc.

Honestly, can I just ask you to take a step back? You probably have a DH problem. You definitely have a DSD problem. You're not going to break up your marriage over this, right? Meanwhile, simply lock up your stuff and make it clear to your husband is child is a thief and you won't tolerate it by not calling it out. You don't need to justify this. Lock up your stuff, lock on bedroom door. Take back your space.

Yes, people will say on here that you shouldn't need to do this. True. But I actually think it's beneficial to lay it out there, she's a thief, you won't tolerate it and it's your husband's to deal with it. Don't be abused and don't leave it all there to be victimized. In your own home, take control.

This was my daughter, I could have written this! Stole, destroyed, lied, every single day, drove me to almost a breakdown. I felt so violated, nothing of mine was safe. She could never explain why she did it, I have always thought it was because her dad was so shit, basically an absent father even though he was local. Like she tried to fill the abandonment feeling with stuff. She stole from shops too