To be so pissed off?

@wizzywig is a parent as well according to posting history 😞

Wow

oh dear lord 😆

I'd start helping myself to her stuff and lie about it. Works both ways

I think that one way or another, you need to figure out what's being communicated through your SD's behaviour. It sounds like she is trying to communicate something without knowing what it is.

Therapy for one, both or all of you might help.

Meanwhile I would figure out how to store things that are important to you where she can't take them.

so on the basis of the ex telling you to stay in your lane, you nodded and said sure and took a big leap back.

Despite the fact the girl was with you for 50% of the time

And meanwhile your husband had bugger all to say on the matter

A depressing shit show for all the children involved

I once actively cared about my DSS I was told on no uncertain terms to stay in my lane

who by?

So what exactly is anyone going to do about helping this poor girl after overwhelming majority telling you how very concerning this is

and the very fact the OP thinks it is… says it all

It works because we don't take sides.

It doesn’t “work” OP

You have a very very unhappy and troubled SD

and i can’t imagine the other children are also in the best state either

Well stop and ask yourself why explaining your quite reasonable rules for your makeup didn’t work? Why she continues to act out in ways that are hostile, sneaky, angry, chaotic, pointless, and damaging to the relationship? Because she definitely has a reason. This is not mindless or random behavior.

The question isn’t really an AIBU question. Being in the right or wrong doesn’t put you in a better position arguing with her. Because she is resisting you through the medium of the thefts and destructive behavior. Only if you stop being so self satisfied (we don’t love them/our house rules work for us/I have no idea what goes on in her home or about her mother/Im not materialistic) all of those things are just self centered justifications for not being interested in her inner life and her evident anguish.

Try harder to care about her.

Maybe if you explain the “why” from your point of view then that will help? As using hair products without asking but different rules for make up and other things might make more sense.

It it’s for hygiene reasons (and DD might not worry about that but if it is important to you then you can explain that it makes you uncomfortable & she should be able to understand that), or fear of things getting lost, or sentimental value, or just some items feel impersonal and are easy to share (hairdryer) but others feel more personal and it upsets you if others use them, then maybe she will get it and it won’t feel personal?

I live in a neurodiverse household and it can take a lot of tolerance for everyone to accommodate and understand each other, but I think always explaining the “why” really truthfully goes a long way, whether it’s being explained to a NT or ND family member.

Does her DM share with her in a way that you don’t and that is why it feels confusing?

My DD’s share make-up and some clothes with me, and come in and out of my bedroom and use things, and that is just normal in our household. We all share quite happily and I’m not precious about my things generally and neither is my DH, although I’d expect someone to let me know if they were borrowing my headphones for example; in case I was looking for them.

I did hear recently though that at there dad’s house their Step-mother has a sign in her bedroom that says “Do not touch my things”.

And I am aware that one of the girls wore a pair of her flip-flops to the beach without asking in summer and she was angry and that when she noticed she made her return home to take them off.

At the time, I put that down to her being generally uptight and a bit highly strung - the DDs don’t like staying there as it is, and have cut down their contact a lot, so they are only there for a few nights a month and I did wonder what “things”
they were taking: they wouldn’t be borrowing her make up I don’t think but they must have done something to upset her!

I couldn’t care less if a child who was staying with me borrowed a pair of cheap flip flops.

But now that I have read this, I see that some people have a very different attitude to sharing with their teens, and maybe that is what has caused problems when my DD’s to go to visit their DF.

So OP, do you think that her own DM might have a different attitude, and that the change of rules/transition is a problem for your step-DD, particularly if she is neurodivergent?

She sounds like a very troubled girl. Nicking your make-up isn't the root of the issue.

It really doesn't work. It makes you both - you and your dh - sound cold, tbh, along with the materialism. I'm less and less surprised at this poor girl's behaviour.

Sorry, this (and what a strange contemptuous attitude to her mother's career comes through in your posts, to the extent that I bet your dsd picks up on it) - and also what pikkumy and nootcoffee say. She's 'acting out'. Incredibly obviously so. It's a distress signal.

I guess you've got your range of answers OP. Advice is always kinda useless coz nobody but you really has the full facts

Like some of the other people, I find it kind of 'sad' that you and your DH don't love each other's kids, but I mean that literally, just sad, because my own stepdad was an important figure in my life. You can't control who you love, nobody has a right to judge you for it, and everybody's just trying to do their best based on what they know.

All that said, I think it's valuable that people have pointed out to you that your DSD is a person too and might have her own stuff going on. I don't fully understand your arrangement - do you just leave each other to talk to and deal with your respective kids? I can't see a way that that wouldn't inevitably lead to conflict and favouritism and hard feelings, side taking and alliances and politics and all that. I still don't really understand why you see it as DH's responsibility to talk to DSD when she's somebody you must have at least some kind of relationship with?

Even putting aside the commitment you take on as a parent, and the duty of care of living together/being in loco parentis, in any interaction between an adult and a child (and 12, by any measure, is a child) the adult has the responsibility to think and behave like an adult, to understand that the kid is still developing, and that this might mean picking up just a bit of the slack that you wouldn't expect to have to deal with in interactions with another adult.

I dunno, love or not, it feels like if you're not in a position to respect her enough to have just a straight conversation with her - if you're just a woman she lives with - I don't see any reason why she'd value and respect you. You can go the other way and rule through fear, lock the doors, go tit for tat, push for escalating punishment, all that, but you'll probably just be breeding resentment and storing up a bunch of conflict that doesn't need to happen. Real damage can get done that way, to the child, to your relationship, to the other kids who have to live in that environment, and because it's exhausting, to you.

And, ultimately, fighting with a kid just isn't a good look, even if you win. You're making a bit of a rod for your own back if you imbue somebody whose brain isn't going to be properly formed for another 8-10 years with the power to 'piss [you] off', and it might be best to find a way to avoid thinking about it in those terms.

it works for us

This thread rather demonstrates it does not “work”

undoubtedly