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Original poster

Should I pay boyfriend back

465 replies

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:19

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

OP posts:
FasterMichelin · 30/09/2024 09:54

This is crazy. He's a grown adult, he clearly lacks all the necessary components to have a healthy relationship.

I would end things and concentrate on finding someone mature, with decent communication skills and hopefully a secure job or finances. No way should you be funding his food, and then paying him back for a fictious date you didn't attend.

I'm assuming he can freeze the pizza and eat later if he's that bothered. Yuk, what a turn off!

misskatamari · 30/09/2024 09:51

I would let this one go as well.

He expects you to do all the running in the relationship and is out out when you ask him to make a bit of effort. So much so that he doesn’t organises anything, then does this weird “ordering food” gaslighting nonesense (you hadn’t agreed to go, why the fuck has he bought you food when you said NO!) and now he’s using his own choices against you, punishing you, refusing to discuss, and make you the bad guy. I’m surprised that anyone is reading this and not saying dump him.

you’re a few months in. He’s showing you who he is. Run for the fucking hills!

Bringbackspring · 30/09/2024 09:49

A couple of months into a relationship and he is already showing himself to be like this is a good thing. It's much better than him pretending to be nice at first and then you find out he's actually awful once you have made bigger commitments to each other.

You need to run away from this one. Absolutely nothing you have said here sounds appealing about him. Honestly, have more respect for yourself. Do you really want to be with someone who argues with you over £20 and accuses you of cheating with absolutely no basis for it?! This relationship sounds utterly miserable, please do yourself a favour and get out of it.

ilovelamp82 · 30/09/2024 09:48

Keep the peace??? You're planning on ever seeing him again????

TwistedWonder · 30/09/2024 09:46

See the fact he’s blocked you as a positive - it’s the universe getting rid of toxic negativity in your life.

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2024 09:37

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

Then I'm very sorry, he's made the decision for you

Tae1 · 30/09/2024 09:36

CactusSammy · 29/09/2024 23:00

He has no job

You have been buying him food and bits to help him get by

You are making the majority of the effort in the relationship, by going to see him

The one time you say no to going around to his, he ignores you and buys food anyway

He then gaslights you saying you agreed to go to his, and has the cheek to ask you to reimburse him

And this is after being with him for only a couple of months. You deserve better @Gymnasticsalltheway

Show quote history

All of this.
Let him go.
Only trouble and drama if you put up with him.

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2024 09:36

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:26

Why?

Show quote history

Seriously?

Oh dear

PurpleNebula84 · 30/09/2024 09:35

Run and run as fast as you can!

A relationship of a few months and you have nothing set in stone to meet up and 1). Because you don't go, accuses you of cheating and 2). Bought food you didn't agree to and wants you to pay for the whole lot - I'm guessing he will actually eat it, so why do you need to pay the whole cost.
Massive 🚩This is not the beginnings of a good or nice relationship!

Waffle78 · 30/09/2024 09:31

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

I meant to say if he's quibbling over £20 then he is not the right man to be having children with. He will see the children as your responsibility and refuse to contribute towards them. I've seen a lot of mums on here in similar situations. Please don't have children with this man. He will leave you and DC short while he's living the life of Riley.

Teenagequeenwithaloadedgun · 30/09/2024 09:29

He doesn't sound like a long term prospect, and I can't see how a future with him would work if he won't even come to your house.

The repeated calls for £20 when I was at work would annoy me too. He can't be arsed to see you, but seemingly has loads of time to hound you for money.

He's basically handed you a pile of red flags

Waffle78 · 30/09/2024 09:27

If you're wanting children he is

TwistedWonder · 30/09/2024 09:21

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

Please tell me you can see the red flags this bloke is waving and you’re not contemplating seeing the tight arsed controlling low effort fuckwit again.

You’d be absolutely insane with a bar dragging in the gutter to see this one as a prospective partner.

Survivingnotthriving24 · 30/09/2024 09:21

You didn't want to go to his, so he wasn't happy with that and tried to guilt trip you into going. When you didn't bend to his will he accused you of lying and cheating so you'd go running to appease him. He is a walking red flag, walk away. You have plenty of time to get everything you want and I can promise you don't want it with him.

Namechangeforcheese · 30/09/2024 09:20

You would be crazy to send him money and even crazier to carry on seeing him. He is manipulative and tight. Not a catch.

ClairDeLaLune · 30/09/2024 09:17

Completelyjo · 30/09/2024 09:14

Well you clearly know it’s shitty behaviour or you wouldn’t be complaining about him on the internet.

Show quote history

But OP had come on here to ask about the minor question of should she pay him back whilst completely missing the bigger picture that her boyfriend needs dumping.

MummyJ36 · 30/09/2024 09:16

Longing for a family is understandable. Wasting precious time finding a decent man because you’re stuck with this sad act is not.

ClairDeLaLune · 30/09/2024 09:15

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

Ah OP please don’t be so desperate for a family that you settle for this guy. Your life will be miserable with him. 30 is a tough time for your biological clock but you’ve got plenty of time.

My friend was well into her 30s when she ended a live-in relationship because it wasn’t right and she said the decision was really tough because she wanted kids and was worried she wouldn’t meet anyone else. She was married with 3 DDs before she was 40!

Completelyjo · 30/09/2024 09:14

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

Well you clearly know it’s shitty behaviour or you wouldn’t be complaining about him on the internet.

PumaKinPie · 30/09/2024 09:14

Oh OP, chuck him back.

Let me tell you why.

You will still feel left out . You won't have what your friends and colleagues have, (no matter how much bad behaviour you ignore, excuse, rationalise etc.) because they probably aren't in relationships like this.

You weren't going to his place this time. He ignored that and confident he'd get his own way, bought the food.

This man doesn't hear it when you say no. That's all you need to know about him.

Yesmate · 30/09/2024 09:12

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

OP. Please don’t settle. He sounds controlling and quite the arsehole to be honest.
He has blocked you. That’s pathetic. Find a man who is mature and has a job, one that doesn’t take his issues out on you.

Sometimesright · 30/09/2024 09:11

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

You are missing something!
He accused you of cheating.
He ignored what you said about not coming over.
He demanded you pay for the food and bits he bought ( all of it not even half)
that is not a sign of a happy long term future relationship.
get out now while you can! You won’t find mr right when you stay with mr wrong!
He is sending out red flags.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 30/09/2024 09:03

Dump him. Block him.
This is his true personality.
Why is he not working in a bar/restaurant/shop if he’s short of money.

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 30/09/2024 09:01

OP, magine being unavailable for a relationship when a kind, decent man comes into your life, because you grabbed on to this piece of shit out of sheer desperation to have a man, any man.

LIZS · 30/09/2024 09:00

By blocking you he has saved you from yourself! I bet he will unblock you in time, this is just his way of punishing and manipulating you, but please don't respond and move on.