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Original poster

Should I pay boyfriend back

465 replies

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:19

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

OP posts:
FeedingThem · 30/09/2024 10:33

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:26

Why?

Show quote history

Seriously????

Mostlyoblivious · 30/09/2024 10:24
  • He is controlling
  • He doesn’t respect your boundaries or needs
  • He is petty
  • He is, at the very least, financially mean
  • He has attempted to manipulate you about the food and the facts of a situation (see point number one.)
  • He is emotionally volatile
  • He can’t communicate healthily

You cannot change him or ‘save’ him and please don’t settle for him, for this.

Olika · 30/09/2024 10:21

I think your desperation to meet someone and have family means you cannot see what the rest of us can. The way he has acted and now even blocked you shows you he isn't the man to be with. He isn't man to build life with. He isn't the man to have a child with.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 30/09/2024 10:19

I would pay him then block him. It's ended then and he can't say anything bad about you or come knocking on yoyr door, it draws a very firm line.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 30/09/2024 10:18

VestPantsandSocks · 29/09/2024 22:21

Pay him.
Then block him. Forever.

^^ This.

Tae1 · 30/09/2024 10:18

OP, perhaps the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk would be a good idea to help you build boundaries and protect yourself from twats like him.

His accusations of cheating and his nastiness should be more than enough to dump him.

He has blocked you?
Good.
Let him off.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

twoshedsjackson · 30/09/2024 10:17

Consider the £20 a pretty reasonable disposal charge for freeing yourself from this unpleasant encumbrance.

TwistedWonder · 30/09/2024 10:14

And do not under any circumstances give him £20

However I suspect you’ll ignore the pretty much unanimous opinions on this thread and continue bank rolling this sorry excuse of a man whilst allowing him to treat you like shit because you think it’s better than being single - big clue being single is far far far far far better than being with a tight gaslighting immature petulant wanker.

YellowphantGrey · 30/09/2024 10:13

Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share

I've been over to his flat many times. I wanted him to make the effort this time and come over to me

If he's got no money then he probably can't afford to go out and you seem to be annoyed that your going over to him all the time, yet he can't come to your flat.

He shouldn't have spent the money on food for you without knowing what you were doing however, I'm assuming he will eat the food he bought? So no, don't pay him back.

I'd dump him purely for the accusation of cheating. He doesn't trust you.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 30/09/2024 10:12

Why are you in a relationship with him? End it, as this is only going to get worse!

CleanShirt · 30/09/2024 10:12

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

Yes, you're missing the fact you're in an unhealthy relationship with a nasty dickhead. The hills are that way >>>>>>

Abhannmor · 30/09/2024 10:10

He sounds immature , petulant, selfish and stingy.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 30/09/2024 10:10

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

Because he keeps accusing of cheating. That is not normal behaviour unless he is 14.

I can't believe that you would continue seeing him, I just assumed that you had dumped him already.

Wheresthebeach · 30/09/2024 10:09

If you can't see how abusive this is, and how awful his behaviour is, then I suggest counselling. Fast before you tie yourself to some nasty bastard.

sundayagainagain · 30/09/2024 10:08

Well he is not your boyfriend if he has blocked you is he, so why even ask if you should pay him back?

LivelyGoldOrca · 30/09/2024 10:07

You stay with him and life is going to be one long ball ache. Throw this one back.

DoIWantTo · 30/09/2024 10:07

No one can be this naive surely…

Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice · 30/09/2024 10:06

Red flags ahoy -Shields up Captain!

Don't entertain him any longer .. plenty more dick in the sea!

youheard · 30/09/2024 10:05

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

OP, on Mumsnet if someone's boyfriend/dh sneezes too loudly the majority shout dump him.

Usually, they're overreacting, however in this case I'd think carefully. Being jealous of couples with babies is not a good reason to pursue a relationship with any old person, certainly not someone who behaves like this and it's good to get out as early as possible (many of us speak from experience)

user1471556818 · 30/09/2024 10:02

VestPantsandSocks · 29/09/2024 22:21

Pay him.
Then block him. Forever.

I would do this .Worth every penny cos you now have seen him for who he is would be my take on this.

Paleshelter · 30/09/2024 10:01

OP you've had great advice on here so far, listen to it.
You say you've been single for years so sounds like you don't have much relationship experience. Don't just settle for the first man who comes along.
He is tight, accusing you of cheating because you were out?
Don't give him the money or contact him again.

Also to the poster who says everyone who posts on Mumsnet is wealthy- ha ha! 😂

fruitbrewhaha · 30/09/2024 10:01

He didn’t want to do something nice with you on a date, he wanted you to turn up as his place for a shag.

He’s awful. I do hope you’re not going to let him come back after this.

Aintthatso · 30/09/2024 09:58

Why are you saying, ‘What am I missing?’ and acting surprised that people are telling you to dump him?

You are the one who started a thread complaining about his awful behaviour!

Commonsense22 · 30/09/2024 09:57

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

He has blocked your number? Honestly, this isn't even a relationship.
I do understand you wanting to cling to This as I was in your shoes at your age, but please respect yourself and move on. He's awful.

FasterMichelin · 30/09/2024 09:56

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

  1. he's blocked you. Very immature.

  2. he said he'd meet you close to yours, having made zero effort before and didn't progress that plans.

  3. he bought a pizza and then tried to get you to pay him back.

  4. he thinks you're his mum, or sugar mumma.

All those are reasons to dump him.

Someone who genuinely likes you will go out of their way to be good to you. I fear you have VERY low standards.