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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I pay boyfriend back

465 replies

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:19

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 29/09/2024 22:51

@Gymnasticsalltheway This is either a question of who's right and who's wrong; or how persistent will he be and will he escalate. If you are in any doubt, just send him the £20 then block him.

Cardamomandlemons · 29/09/2024 22:50

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

I think you need to raise your standards and not lower them, ESPECIALLY if you want a family. Because you are locking yourself in for the long run.
I'm divorced, I can take risks and kiss a few frogs, I already have cute kids and they already have a (crap) father.
You are young, don't throw your life away on crappy men, raise your bar!! Don't put up with someone who treats you badly (and this guy has treated you very badly).

RogueFemale · 29/09/2024 22:48

Marine30 · 29/09/2024 22:47

I sympathise that you’ve seen all your friends settle down and you’ve been single for ages and finally found someone. But, this is seriously clouding your judgement. This man sounds awful - tight,
jealous and unreasonable.

Then he has the cheek to block you in all this. Do not call him again under any circumstances - see it as a lucky escape.

30 is still young! You will meet someone so much better than this. Do NOT try to contact this loser again please.

Show quote history

100% agree

Marine30 · 29/09/2024 22:47

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

I sympathise that you’ve seen all your friends settle down and you’ve been single for ages and finally found someone. But, this is seriously clouding your judgement. This man sounds awful - tight,
jealous and unreasonable.

Then he has the cheek to block you in all this. Do not call him again under any circumstances - see it as a lucky escape.

30 is still young! You will meet someone so much better than this. Do NOT try to contact this loser again please.

mummytrex · 29/09/2024 22:46

No you were not in the wrong. Why are you contacting him to put things right?

To be blunt you need to have some self respect and self preservation. This should be the honeymoon period. Instead he is ignoring your voice (you saying he ought to go to you), being insecure/paranoid and cheap. Immature (blocking as he hasn't got his own way). As others have said red flags all over.

Aria999 · 29/09/2024 22:46

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

It doesn't sound silly, but honestly you are much better off single than partnered with someone who accuses you of cheating for no reason (and seems to blame others for his own inability to communicate).

It's not going to end well.

MamOfGirls2 · 29/09/2024 22:45

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

I understand your need to nest is strong but he accused you of cheating, demanded money and has blocked you. You need to work on your self esteem. Desperations leads to poor decision making.

Aduvetday · 29/09/2024 22:45

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

In the nicest possible way you are desperate by your own admission as you feel left behind.

Abusers smell desperation as they know you’ll put up with it.

He is all ready meeting the legal definition of abuse.

RogueFemale · 29/09/2024 22:44

Any man who accuses you of cheating and lying is an asshole and wants to control you.

Assuming you haven't been cheating and lying, your boyfriend is a nasty man and you should ditch him ASAP.

Original poster
Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:43

BoundaryGirl3939 · 29/09/2024 22:37

Is this a cultural thing? Is he from another country as this doesn't sound like an English man, but is this 50/50 behaviour normal in another culture?

He is from Barbados. I'm not sure if it's a cultural thing. My parents are from West Africa but I was born in England.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 29/09/2024 22:43

You started a thread because you are concerned about his shocking behaviour. The general consensus is dump him asap. Now you are asking if you are missing something?

Your self respect. He is a user ( financially), and probably an abuser ( accusing you of cheating ). Block him and move on.

Ratfinkstinkypink · 29/09/2024 22:42

He's not great, he really isn't. He's manipulative and controlling.

Penguinmouse · 29/09/2024 22:42

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

Don’t lower your standards because everyone else is paired off. It will not be worth it.

BIossomtoes · 29/09/2024 22:42

He’s not great. Your standards need to be higher.

caringcarer · 29/09/2024 22:42

VestPantsandSocks · 29/09/2024 22:21

Pay him.
Then block him. Forever.

This

Milkand2sugarsplease · 29/09/2024 22:41

@Gymnasticsalltheway because

1.its a new relationship and you're already subsidising him

  1. You're doing all the running and when you try to get him to come your way, he's playing games.
  1. He's accusing you of lying and cheating - unless you're doing either, it's a good enough reason alone to finish it.
  1. He can't be arsed visiting you.
  1. Doesn't sound like there's any honeymoon period going on here at all.
Original poster
Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

OP posts:
MamOfGirls2 · 29/09/2024 22:40

This is as good as it gets @Gymnasticsalltheway. If he's a dickhead now, after 2 months, I wouldn't waste my time.

Why would youpay for a meal unless, you agreed to pay for it in advance, he doesn't get to unilaterally decide to buy pizza and you'll be paying. I bet he fucking ate it. I also wouldn't tolerate him accusing you of cheating.

Id dump his arse and move on.

BIossomtoes · 29/09/2024 22:40

I’d post him a £20 note with “Fuck off, loser” written on it in red felt tip and block his number.

Noseybookworm · 29/09/2024 22:38

Of course you shouldn't pay him anything! He can eat the bloody food he bought 🤣 I'd tell him to f off, block him and never see him again. Problem solved.

Randomlygeneratedname · 29/09/2024 22:38

Any man who jumps straight to accusations of cheating and lying when they don't get their way needs chucking back into the ocean. Move on from this one. I would probably send him the £20 just to get him off my back then block forever. You shouldn't have to send him money but I wouldn't want a man like this thinking I owed him anything.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 29/09/2024 22:37

Is this a cultural thing? Is he from another country as this doesn't sound like an English man, but is this 50/50 behaviour normal in another culture?

TyneTeas · 29/09/2024 22:37

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:26

Why?

Show quote history

Because even if there had been a misunderstanding on your part, his reaction is way past disproportionate and is actually abusive.

Both out of control and controlling

How do you think he will behave when he is no Ionger in the early days of trying to impress you if he reacts like this now to a non-event?

Aduvetday · 29/09/2024 22:37

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

This can’t be serious.

Bachboo · 29/09/2024 22:35

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:19

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

No

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