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Original poster

Should I pay boyfriend back

465 replies

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:19

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 29/09/2024 23:59

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

Because he’s a twat basically.

Tellysavelas · 29/09/2024 23:57

OP, this relationship is dead in the water. A man who wants you to pay for food that you never asked for does not care about you in any way except what he can get from you.

If you marry this man, you’ll always be wrong and he’ll always be right.

If you split, he’ll try to avoid paying child maintenance.

Save yourself years of misery.

WaterBuffalo · 29/09/2024 23:53

Why you should dump him:

  1. You told him you weren't going to his place. He either wasn't listening or he heard you but didn't care. Both show a lack of consideration and respect.
  1. Best case scenario it was a misunderstanding but then why is he doubling down and insist you pay for his inability to understand or listen or take what you say seriously? Relationships have misunderstandings all the time? Are you willing to deal with so much drama and aggravation every time there is a little misunderstanding?
  1. He is accusing you of cheating just because he couldn't get through to you for one evening. That's either paranoid, controlling or manipulative. These are characteristics that are guaranteed to lead to unhappy (or abusive) Relationships. You cannot have a good relationship with someone who is controlling or manipulative.
  1. He is asking you to pay for something that he could just consume himself. That sounds exploitative to me.
  1. You are looking for a serious relationship. If you just wanted to have some fun then you could afford dating an arsehole for a while but if you are looking for a long term relationship then you better start looking again. He is not someone that you will have a happy family with
Feckingwrecled · 29/09/2024 23:53

Boyfriend?? DP?? its only been a couple of months/ he does sound much fun and more than bit pathetic. id happily run for the hills.

MontysBakehouse · 29/09/2024 23:51

OP, honestly, have some self respect. End this relationship now.

NPET · 29/09/2024 23:51

Assuming all your details are correct (re where you were meeting etc.), I'd just say "goodbye" to him.

ClairDeLaLune · 29/09/2024 23:51

It was his choice to get the food, and his fault for not paying attention when you said you weren’t going over to his. Of course you shouldn’t pay him back!

And people are saying dump him because he accused you of lying and cheating, he’s shit at communicating, he’s tight, and he’s controlling in that you have to go to his all the time. This is supposed to be the best time in a relationship. It’ll be downhill from here. Cut your losses and ditch him, you could do a lot better.

curious79 · 29/09/2024 23:49

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:26

Why?

Show quote history

if you really need explaining why you should let this one go (after he's accused you of cheating, been tight with money etc etc) then there's no helping you

TheRedRaven · 29/09/2024 23:48

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

You’re still young, still lots of time to find the right person and start a family. It does not sound like he is the right person at all!

Honestly, he is showing some narcissistic traits with things like accusing you of cheating and blocking your number for no good reason. Chances are he will spin this on you and turn himself into the victim, playing you right back into his arms, his flat and making you feel guilty for putting boundaries in place.

Aside from that, he is not showing you much effort, and appears to be using you for money (surely he has other friends or family who can help him out in a tight spot?)

Showing this side of himself so early on is extremely telling for how he might behave further down the line, please don’t let it get that far!

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 29/09/2024 23:48

VestPantsandSocks · 29/09/2024 22:21

Pay him.
Then block him. Forever.

This.

neilyoungismyhero · 29/09/2024 23:46

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

Well- yes to be fair....

TealSapphire · 29/09/2024 23:46

Goodness OP, this unemployed creep is not worth being a fwb let alone potential partner and father.

Yes you should dump and block and raise your bar dramatically.

PorridgeEater · 29/09/2024 23:45

He can eat the food himself so you don't owe him anything.
One can sympathise with your longing for a family, that's natural, but this is not the right man. As soon as you said you wouldn't pay he was no longer interested - that shows how he was using you. He has done you a favour by blocking you - hard as it may seem you are well rid of him.

OnaBegonia · 29/09/2024 23:45

@NahNotHavingIt

  • Gymnasticsalltheway I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

Your brain, maybe?*
🤣🤣🤣

AlmondsAreGreat · 29/09/2024 23:44

The blocking your number, unless he intends it to be permanent, is abusive in itself - giving you the cold shoulder and silent treatment until you grovel with an apology. It’s just about control. Do yourself a favour, cut all ties, there are far, far better options out there (and being single is one of them).

BlackShuck3 · 29/09/2024 23:44

he's trying to bilk you for 20 quid OP😡

TriesNotToBeCynical · 29/09/2024 23:42

Random male opinion; his behaviour is totally bullying and petulant, even for a longstanding relationship. Let alone when he is still getting to know you. I suppose if you get a fulsome apology tomorrow it might be out of character ...

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/09/2024 23:41

Surely to goodness you can see why you need to dump him?

You said no to making all the effort and going to his flat again.

He ignored your response and bought food anyway.

He threw a tantrum when you didn’t do as he wanted, accused you of cheating and sent you the bill for food he could very well eat.

Surely you can see why there’s no possible future with this man? I would see his sending of the receipt and accusing you of cheating as the relationship being over anyway tbh.

6pence · 29/09/2024 23:40

He got angry! Yup dump.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/09/2024 23:39

He is not your boyfriend.

He is a bloke you have been sleeping with who

a) never makes the effort to visit you
b) when you try to get him to visit you, ignores the arrangement
c) gets angry when you refuse to also ignore the arrangement and go out on your own
d) is happy to take you subsidising him but expects you to pay him back for something you didnt want, didnt ask for and werent there to take
e) gets angry
f) gets angry
g) doesnt have a job (do you have proof why he lost his job?)
h) gets angry

If he is like this so early, what the hell do you think he will be like in 6 months or 6 years. HE IS AN ARSEHOLE AND YOU CAN DO BETTER.

Better single than this with this sorry specimen.

Does a wedding ring really mean so much to do you that you will marry someone this fucking vile?

The fact that he has blocked you is a good thing. The trash took itself out. Block him now so he cant try to reel you back in in a few days after you have been stewing and worrying, so you will take any old crap out of relief.

You wont though will you?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 29/09/2024 23:38

Tell him to shove his pizza up his arse (or eat it himself or pop it in the freezer for another day!)
Economics don't come into it I'm on a very very low income but this is mingebag behaviour of the highest degree plus his relentless phone calls and cheating accusations should give any woman the ick!!!!

Caramellie3 · 29/09/2024 23:36

You said no to going to his. He was supposed to meet you but didn’t reply to you. Instead he ignored what you said and bought food for you to go him? Run…

FlingThatCarrot · 29/09/2024 23:34

shuggles · 29/09/2024 22:55

@Gymnasticsalltheway mumsnet is probably not the best place to ask this question because most people who post here are extremely wealthy and may not understand the difficulties of unemployment. I've been there so I do.

One question though...

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP.

Any reason for not answering a phone the first time it rings?

I find it the opposite, majority are working/ lower middle class. Most people seem to be on some sort of UC/ benefit or have disabled children so limited work.
Anyone who earns more than £50k isn't allowed to have a problem as they're rolling in it.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 29/09/2024 23:33

Ewwwwww he sounds gross get rid!!!!!!!

MrsPeterHarris · 29/09/2024 23:33

User364837 · 29/09/2024 22:59

You’re not going to dump someone who accuses you of cheating and demands you pay them back for some food (when you didn’t even arrange to go to theirs)????
where are your standards!!

This!

Massive red flags from him & you should have higher standards for yourself!

Dump & block!

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