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Original poster

Should I pay boyfriend back

465 replies

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:19

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 30/09/2024 08:00

shuggles · 29/09/2024 23:15

@Gymnasticsalltheway I couldn't just pick up then and there as I was in discussion with a few colleagues and they were doing a presentation. I thought he could hold on for a couple of hours and would call him straight back.

A presentation that goes on for hours with no breaks?

Gymnastics indeed.

OP was on a work event so couldn't answer her phone, she could have been out with friends, or sitting at home having an evening to herself, she's not obligated to answer her phone to anyone

Lemonadeand · 30/09/2024 07:48

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

I have been single for many years and longing a family.

Sorry OP, I have been there and it’s really hard. But as someone in the throes of young children parenting: you do not want to be raising a family with someone who quibbles over the price of a pizza. How in earth will that work when finances are stretched and baby needs nappies, toddler needs new shoes, you would love for your child to start an activity like swimming, you are on maternity leave and financially relying on your partner etc?

This is not the guy to be planning a future with.

Lifeasweknowitisrandom · 30/09/2024 07:47

MinnieGirl · 30/09/2024 07:26

He’s accused you are lying about where you are.
He’s accused you of cheating.
He’s demanding money for something he decided to buy without talking to you. He was supposed to meet you near where you live.
He made no contact all day and then accused you as above.
All of those issues are red flags. He’s not listening to you and gets upset when you won’t do what he wants. You bought bits of food for him to help out and now he’s demanding £20 for food he chose to buy.
At the very least he’s not listening and a bit self centred. At worst he’s controlling.

Show quote history

This ☝️.

Imagine having a child with this man. He's shouting at you because he thinks you're cheating because you don't answer the phone on the first ring. He shouts at the child because he accused them of lying. He becomes out of work again and he charges you for things he decided to buy. No, no, hell no.
No relationship is worth this shit.

Lemonadeand · 30/09/2024 07:45

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

Yes, he doesn’t sound very nice.

hillroad · 30/09/2024 07:42

what kind of relationship must your parents have had for you to accept this kind of behaviour from a partner

Fraggeek · 30/09/2024 07:41

Quite simply, either you go back to being single or for the sake of being in a relationship you put up with being treated like shit.

You go into this with your eyes open, with a man who accuses you of cheating at the very first opportunity. You allow him to be financially dependent on you when it suits him. You ignore the childish behaviour of being blocked and given the silent treatment when things don't go his way.

You accept that this is how the relationship will continue and fully understand that this behaviour will escalate (because if this is how he is after a couple of months, I promise you this is nothing) and you will be miserable.

But Hey! At least you'll be in a relationship!

hillroad · 30/09/2024 07:40

and they say romance is dead

StockardAwkward · 30/09/2024 07:31

Cut your loses. Get out of this relationship asap.
He's a controlling man child and you deserve better.
Kindly, you might benefit from counselling to work on yourself before you consider starting another relationship.

MinnieGirl · 30/09/2024 07:26

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

He’s accused you are lying about where you are.
He’s accused you of cheating.
He’s demanding money for something he decided to buy without talking to you. He was supposed to meet you near where you live.
He made no contact all day and then accused you as above.
All of those issues are red flags. He’s not listening to you and gets upset when you won’t do what he wants. You bought bits of food for him to help out and now he’s demanding £20 for food he chose to buy.
At the very least he’s not listening and a bit self centred. At worst he’s controlling.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 30/09/2024 07:23

@Gymnasticsalltheway , you sound like a kind and serious - minded woman who has a lot to give. This man has shown he is just not suitable to be a husband and father as you could not rely on him to be kind or reasonable to you or your children. Forget him. The bigger question is, how can you move on with your life goals, and find a decent man? There are plenty out there. Maybe you could focus instead on how you'll meet new people - meet up groups, new hobbies, online dating?

Shoxfordian · 30/09/2024 07:11

He's blocked your number so it seems like it's over anyway but don't waste your time anymore

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 30/09/2024 06:49

muddyford · 30/09/2024 06:36

You told him you weren't going over. He acknowledged that. Then he bought food for your non- visit which he expects you to pay for? He is a manipulative bully.

He obviously just wanted you to pay for his food. You nit going over meant he had to pay for his own. He is a user

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 30/09/2024 06:48

User364837 · 29/09/2024 22:59

You’re not going to dump someone who accuses you of cheating and demands you pay them back for some food (when you didn’t even arrange to go to theirs)????
where are your standards!!

And gets angry.

he is an arsehole. He has nothing to offer you. He certainly is in no position to start a family. Dumy him and atop wasting your time.

LaurieFairyCake · 30/09/2024 06:46

You dump because you've only been in a relationship with him for a couple of months and he's already treating you like shit

How can you put up with so little respect and care so early on in the relationship?

You deserve so much more Flowers

KTSl1964 · 30/09/2024 06:46

Don’t be a moron and up your game. Is he deaf?

Rewis · 30/09/2024 06:42

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

You make all the effort tin the relationship and always go to him. He gets when he's the one that has to make an effort.

He accuses you of cheating and lying

Things don't go his way he blocks you. That's immature and manipulative.

I think paying £20 is a cheap price to pay for this. You don't have to pay it but I would and then move on. I'm not all LTB however this is only two months in when everyone is suppose to make effort and show their best. I can't imagine what he will be down the line.

If it was a genuine misunderstanding he would talk about it and not have a tantrum and accuse you of cheating and demanding anything. He was purposefully ignoring your request of not going to his and got upset that you dared to make other plans.

muddyford · 30/09/2024 06:36

You told him you weren't going over. He acknowledged that. Then he bought food for your non- visit which he expects you to pay for? He is a manipulative bully.

Lairymary · 30/09/2024 06:13

Can I ask if he would normally have bought food like this if he knew you were coming? It certainly sounds orchestrated as he KNEW the plans and this is his way of making you feel guilty for the (non) miscommunication. Seriously OP, he's a manipulative bully, find someone worthy of being of being your life partner and father to your potential children or you're in for a lifetime of frustration, resentment, hurt and anger. He has manipulated the situation. It won't get better.

Justsayit123 · 30/09/2024 06:08

Dump him of course. Aim higher

IDontHateRainbows · 30/09/2024 05:58

I'd send him an 'invoice' with the £20 minus all the things you've bought him and end up with some ridiculous figure like £1.33 and ask him for his bank details.

Then bin him off.

KMGrath · 30/09/2024 05:54

No you do not need to. Is he going to use the food? If he eats the food he didn’t throw his money away. But still you both have some communication issues. You are not his mommy. Sounds like he is a little immature.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2024 05:51

Idk why so many people are telling you to pay him back. You really shouldn’t. He was told you had no intention of going over to his. Besides you’ve paid for food for him and he’s going to eat the food. Just no.

Maria1979 · 30/09/2024 05:50

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

Yes. You are missing normal expectations in a relationships like respect. You feed him, fine. Atleast he should be gracious and appreciate it. When you say no to come over he goes and buy stuff because he does NOT respect you. Your no means nothing to him. And he wants you to reimburse him on top of it!! He can eat the pizza, put some in the fridge and eat it tmw as well. Why should you pay?? And he can't support you having a life outside of him because then you are cheating. Run for the hills !!! You can not be this desperate surely! There are decent men out there OP, he's not one.

Holidays78 · 30/09/2024 05:47

Pay him back, then block him and move on.

Fuzziduck · 30/09/2024 05:21

"I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number."
This is also about control. He will unblock you, he's punishing you, and knows that this will hurt you, and that you'll desperately be trying to get hold of him.
Please stop, invest your time in pursuing a new relationship. This is not a good man. Controlling and manipulative.