Made to feel unimportant on my birthday

I would find the most hurtful thing being - that they didn't even come and see you after you were upset and had a go at them.

I would also never leave my mum or my partner alone for hours on their birthday if I were in the same house.

I think you have every right to feel this way, and it does sound like they take you for granted. Also, it sounds like your eldest daughter needs to grow up. Why has she made you a card out of paper (something 5yr olds do) and playing games in her room?

Sorry you had a shit birthday, I'd give the same energy to theirs when the time comes.

But do you think her DH actually cares about his 'birthday breakfast' or has to sow seeds about his birthday? Because I don't. Some people just don't 'do' birthdays. Other than big 0 birthdays my family don't really bother with birthdays for adults. We'll maybe meet up for dinner. OP might go all out for her DH's birthday but she probably doesn't need to. As for daughters in their 20s, it's a time in your life where you are quite selfish. Yes they should have bought OP a gift, that's a bare minimum. But the rest is way OTT, when it became clear nothing was planned and there was no bread OP could have suggested going out for brunch. It being your birthday doesn't mean you have to be passive.

Anyway, I don't think this is even about the birthday. Sounds like OP is under a lot of stress.

What do they usually do on your birthday?

Ffs this website is so weird. If a DH so much drops some crumbs on the counter and doesn’t notice wives should leave and how dare he, why does he expect her to do everything, disgusting, he should pull his weight. The minute it comes to birthdays women are meant to organise everything themselves and expect absolutely nothing and their husband shouldn’t be expected to do a single thing for them and they’re childish and stupid. It’s ridiculous.

OP it was your birthday and they were crap.

They sound very thoughtless, sorry OP.

What do they usually do on your birthday? If they usually make a fuss of you and go all out then yes it's weird no one really stepped up this year. But if this is par for the course then they probably didn't realise anything different was expected of them. And if this happened all years previously and you wanted something more then you'd have needed to actually inform them.

DP and I have settled into a birthday routine for each other: happy birthday wish and maybe a token gift on the day, take each other out for fancy dinner after checking what's convenient. No stops get pulled out on the day itself so if either of us were to expect a big fuss we'd have to say so in advance.

No one magically knows exactly how big a deal birthdays are to other adults. It seems like you have fairly specific wishes so you need to communicate them.

I'm not surprised everyone left you alone after your "choice words" though. They must have been walking on eggshells.

In our place the birthday person picks what they want to do and we do that

I think it is odd an adult sat there waiting for something just do what you want

I don't understand those on here who say 'it's just a day' etc. You make an effort for your family's birthdays because you love them and of course they should make a fuss of you.
I'd be very hurt if my family behaved the way yours did. I also think you set your expectations too low - why shouldn't you be receiving nice things as you organise for them? Maybe they just thought you weren't bothered at all? No excuse for it but maybe that was the mindset. I'd tell them exactly how upset you were and you expect much more next year.

It does sound like a monumentally crap birthday OP. But what usually happens on your birthday? I can’t imagine not buying presents for anyone in our family for their birthday, but we all write a list of a few things we’d like which gets ‘submitted’ a few weeks beforehand. The idea of not having a single present to open is an alien concept to me - the kids start asking weeks before mine and DH’s birthdays for our ‘lists’ and likewise, we start discussing what we’d like to do.

If it’s a week night, it might be a takeway, or dinner out if it’s a weekend. The kids might ask if they can do an activity, DH really doesn’t like a big fuss but I’ll cook a special dinner, or some years he does fancy dinner out so we do that. It’s my 50th next year and we’re already discussing if we want to go away for a short break. But if nobody had mentioned my birthday a couple of weeks beforehand, I’d be saying, ‘it’s my birthday in a couple of weeks, here’s my list, does anyone fancy X restaurant?’. I wouldn’t just sit around passively, waiting to be asked.

I don't think families 'outgrow' traditions of being remembered & thought of & treated to gifts & cards & thoughtfully planned occasions .

I think too many people are lazy & unappreciative & ultimately selfish. Fine to be treated but can't be bothered to make the effort to do the treating.

And the amount of people here defending & excusing this is actually really sad & more than a bit depressing

Life doesn't have to be like that.

Your husband and daughter have been beyond lazy in not even getting you a small gift to open. They should have made the effort and you certainly are not being unreasonable.i’d be furious if I was you.

This year, I'm surprising myself with a trip to the Caribbean 😃

I like your style!

Most people are only really important to themselves.

once you realise this life gets easier and more predictable.

could not resist using some choice words saying I'd remember their actions on their birthday and not arrange the usual days of celebrations often involving expensive shopping trips, breakfast out, family parties, trips to nice places and surprise gifts

But do you enjoy arranging elaborate celebration for them? Are they appreciative?

Might be time to rethink how you "do" birthdays in your family. Not as retribution for your birthday "snub", but because your efforts aren't appreciated, won't be reciprocated and it doesn't give you joy to plan and execute these celebrations.

It's ok to prioritize yourself and not carry on with traditions that your family may have outgrown.

I spent my last few birthdays feeling exactly like this. I'm sorry this happened, it makes you feel like shit.

I was alone, no one even bothered to say happy birthday (had to remind my husband and saw my mum in the morning she didn't say anything)

I got myself ready and went out shopping. I bought my own cake, and a very expensive bag. Cheered myself up. When I mentioned to everyone how felt, and how I wouldn't be making a fuss anymore - they rushed around to get me a birthday cake - it felt disingenuous. I will never forget how I felt.

I always try to make their day special, with cake, gifts and a birthday meal. I don't even want that, I just wanted to go for breakfast and for birthday wishes. Never will I make the effort again, I will leave it everyone else in the family who usually forgets or can't be bothered to make the effort.

Honestly, what an unnecessary drama. You're clearly a mature adult, but I'm baffled by this rambling saga, OP. They wished young happy birthday - that's ample. It's just a day.

My DH is a wonderful man but not capable of forward planning/thought or being romantic. I used to feel really crap about it, so now I fully organise my birthdays so I'm not disappointed.

This year, I'm surprising myself with a trip to the Caribbean 😃

I would really love spontaneous surprises and gifts on my birthday but I have learnt that to avoid soul crushing disappointment it's best to be extremely dictatorial and clearly state your expectations. Husband. what do you want for your birthday. Me. Black round neck long sleeve jumper from M and S Size 8 and a card that says Happy Birthday. ( He has form).

She said her father was ill so they couldn’t plan anyrthing, you’re being a bit unfair.

If DD got her dad surprise tickets to an event and you nothing then I'd have to point this out and ask why I was worth so much less effort! Unless you sorted out the tickets?

Please explain how she set her adult family up to fail? Does buying groceries send some kind of mixed messages if its someone's birthday?

Well your latest post says it all to me - they're all happy to make a fuss of your husband their boyfriend on their birthdays

But not you

You are entirely being taken for granted. And when you went in and said something still no one did fuck all. I think that's really horrible, there's no empathy at all there for you being upset.

Your husbands a total arsehole, your girls are awful

Op, I think that a lot of mumsnetters like blaming people for how rubbish their loved ones treat them on their birthdays like it's a sport.

I bet when it's your loved one's birthdays, they didn't need to tell you in advance how to make the day special for them. They didn't need to spell it out to you how they would like to be treated because you used your brain and emotional intelligence to work out what they would like. It's just what normal, thinking people do. I totally see why you feel dejected and I also understand why you turned down their offers. Everything was cobbled together and it all felt a bit thoughtless and empty, last minute and you didn't have the emotional reserves to smile through something that felt so thrown together.

Tell them now how disappointed you were. Unless otherwise explicitly told that someone definitely did not want any fuss on their birthday, I would make sure that anyone in my family had a special day in a way which was specific to them. And i expect the same. One birthday my husband got me nothing and I tried to put a brave face on it but I was so hurt. I felt so cringey afterwards but told him exactly how it felt and he never did it again. Women are made to feel like we are being silly and childish for wanting a big fuss made, but really we just want a few small things that show we are cared for. That someone thought enough of us to think about us in advance. It's actually normal to feel like this. Write this year off but do make sure you tell your family exactly what you would prefer and how you felt. I hear you ❤️

I do agree with this! I am reading this thread agog at how the OP is being flamed for poor communication on a day which everyone has one of, once a year, every year, so it's not like it's a brand new event that no-one has experienced before so don't know what happens, and the OP has to tell her family to be nice to her, and exactly how that looks, even though her family are adults, then when she is sad about it and ends up doing chores she is told off for that...the woman had a rubbish birthday after a difficult year and now she gets a kicking on Mumsnet! Well @Patheticbirthday I am on your team. I hope you do something exceptionally nice for yourself, paid for by the money you would normally spend on the ingrates in your house