Made to feel unimportant on my birthday

As a sensitive soul I totally understand how you're feeling and I'm sorry you had a sad birthday. While I get what others are saying about your response to your birthday day, it seems to run deeper than just your birthday. It sounds to me like you would like more help from your family and to be seen by them, rather than taken for granted. If this is the case, you need a heart felt conversation with your husband about how you are feeling. Be open with him and ask him for support in ways you can feel more valued. 🥰

That's what we do! We have a list each. Mine is usually something like - the breakfast I want, the chocolates I want, a mug, an activity of my choice (movie/show/concert/mini golf), something daft with "mum" on it, and a Collin the Caterpillar birthday cake.

DH's is usually - breakfast, socks, a horror or thriller book, something daft with "dad" on it, a weekend away for the two of us (not abroad, just away from home), steak for dinner, and a Collin the Caterpillar birthday cake too.

We're not really birthday people but I think it's important for children to learn to show appreciation for other people so this is how we do it. It takes a little effort, but it's nothing stressful and the kids love trying to find the most ridiculous thing with mum/dad on it. Sometimes they even pick something sweet too which is a nice bonus.

Ooooh no no no no no. I would not be happy with this at all.
It’s your birthday, you should be Queen for the day. My family knows that this is what I expect, and it’s ok to have expectations of your partner and kids - you do a lot for them, so your birthday is the perfect opportunity for them to show you just how much they appreciate you.

I would be having words. And I would be petty and I would ignore their birthdays to teach them a very important life lesson.

Two weeks and as a family you still aren't all talking?
Time to sit everyone down and explain how you have been feeling, having to cope with extra caring, your own illness, how stressed and exhausted you have been feeling, and how much you had been looking forward to just one day of being looked after.
I do think you were the architect of the disaster because you had built the day up in your head, and their response was disappointing.
But their response is built on the role you've taken on in the family, and your failure to communicate how bad you were feeling. Blowing up at them in their room then sulking for the rest of the day is OTT. No wonder they don't know how to talk to you now.
So you need to partly apologise for your overreaction but also spell out what led to it, and that they need to value how much you do for them (they can do their own laundry FFS) and show their appreciation. At least once a year.

@Dishwashersaurous "
Surely you would have booked somewhere for lunch or dinner before the day"

If you want a perfect definition of "wife work", booking your own birthday lunch nah is surely it!

It seems like a completely normal reaction to me.

Most people would be upset if they saw everyone else get treated for their birthdays but then don't even get so much as a token gift and their family then practically ignore them for 2 weeks after.

It would be different if nobody did anything for birthdays.

I'm sorry your family have been so shit OP.

This seems like an over reaction to me, but I've over reacted wildly myself, tears and upset, and each time my period started the next day.

She has already answered that upthread.

But you get what you've taught them. You say you would be happy with lip balm, a card and really cheap and zero effort things? Why? You also say you prefer to give than get - so there you go. You set your family dynamic up this way and then go blasting all of them for not making a big deal. Your posts are very martyrish op and you set a low bar for yourself - you can't blame anyone. Clearly your ADULT children have been raised like this because they have done a proper gift for his birthday. I want to be spoilt on my birthday, so my dc as young as they are know this too. We make a big deal of everyone's birthday equally and my dc think it's a big deal for everyone.
Your entire posts go on about how little you expect but you expected something much more (which I agree with!). You set the bar low so unfortunately that's what happens.

You seem to have posted 2 weeks after the birthday so honestly I think that you need to have a serious talk with your family and then let it go, for everyone ‘s sake, UNTIL 2 weeks before your birthday next year, when you should publish on the fridge door a list of the expected joyful activities and of your dietary requirements

What was previous years like?

She’s already answered that upthread.

Happy non-birthday, OP! Any chance of your DH and DD, both functioning adults, organising a nice day out for you, sometime soon, to make up for their thoughtlessness on your real birthday?

If not, I think you need to talk this through with DH and DD, preferably separately. It sounds as if they take you for granted. That’s not good, any day of the year.

Best of luck xx

I wonder why you're okay with croissants - which are terrible for diabetes - but not cookies? Or a roast?

That aside I'm really sorry you got no gifts, I think you should be direct with your family and say you feel let down/disappointed. Sulking is a natural reaction, but directly saying is far more productive.

I don't understand people saying you're over reacting.

As mums we work so hard to ensure the family are happy and healthy and go out of our way for their birthdays and Christmas. Why wouldn't we expect this reciprocated ???

I would feel exactly the same.

You shouldn't have to tell them what to do, as they have the example you've set previously for them... to ignore you is just harsh.

I would have felt like booking myself into a hotel for the night and ordering room service.

Yes you might be being over sensitive ... maybe your family shouldn't be so 'insensitive!!!'

My DH and I make a fuss of each other for our birthdays but it's rare this is a suprise - we will talk to each other beforehand, what do you fancy doing, I was thinking x,y,z. You haven't healthily communicated what you wanted, instead you've allowed your hurt to cause you to be passive aggressive and caused a rift with your DD and DH. Why not sit down now, talk through in a reasonable way how you feel, listen to their perspective and agree together how you will do birthdays moving forward?

You know what I think this is shit don't get why so many blame you. Like you say you organise birthdays for them yet they don't ask you just do it right
I think your threat of not giving them birthdays or Christmas pressies I think you should do that I honestly do. No more birthday days or Christmas day this next year and if they seem disappointed just say oh well now you know the feeling. Shows very little effort from your kids and husband who shouldn't need to be told

I understand OP it's been a crap year for you and you thought they'd have understood that and made a bigger deal of your birthday, but it's not how everyone thinks, no one lives in your head - they didn't know you had set so much importance by this birthday - I think you wanted the feet up, special treatment all day - that's big.
Maybe you make a fuss for their birthdays - which they might think is what you enjoy doing, not something you do so everyone does it back for you. I think you need to let them know that you want a bigger deal made of your birthday - I think you need to spell it out and you need to stop being a martyr - the life admin and the laundry was on you. - why are you doing laundry for other adults anyway?

But if you’re ’running around after everyone’ the other 364 days of the year, that, as you say, is a problem with your relationship/family dynamic that can only be fixed by you. Being a people-pleasing, taken for granted doormat 364 days a year and then boiling over with anger and disappointment because people are still taking you for granted on your birthday is totally irrational. You’re expecting people you’ve trained to take you for granted to suddenly see you as a person, and, what’s more, a person who needs one day to somehow compensate for the other 364.

I understand OP, my lot were very similar especially during the teen years. It’s completely disheartening when you spend 364 days a year running round after them, considering their needs and happiness and give, give, giving. You’re not being a brat to expect, just one day a year, for them to give back similar to what you give them every day. It’s the least you deserve.

I hit the roof when my special birthday ‘treat’ on my 40th was fish and chips. It really was a catalyst for me to address bigger problems within the relationship. I explained to DH just how hurt I was by his lack of effort and how worthless it had made me feel and he did listen. The next year he took me to Paris for my birthday weekend, and I always have a lovely birthday every year now (though not always extravagant, it’s always thoughtful). Talk to them calmly. Point out the differences between their birthdays and your birthday. A lot of families take us Mums very much for granted, and sometimes they need things spelling out calmly.

Your DH and DD have been thoughtless and lazy. Do you feel strong enough to break the silence and raise it with them both now? Even though time has passed I think you need to let them know how you feel and your expectations going forwards.

To put it in more context my daughter took my DH to a surprise car event for his birthday and has told us about buying surprise concert tickets and hotel accommodation for her boyfriend’s birthday next month.

could not resist using some choice words saying I'd remember their actions on their birthday and not arrange the usual days of celebrations often involving expensive shopping trips, breakfast out, family parties, trips to nice places and surprise gifts.

I’m glad you said it and hope you mean it.

Dial back massively on what you do for them. They can make effort for each other and boyfriend but didn’t for you so match their low efforts next time.

I've just read your update, OP. Looking after elderly parents is stressful and difficult. You are going to need to tell your family that's how you're feeling. The stress is getting to you, and you'd like more support in practical, if small ways.
Not everyone picks up on others' stresses, so do clarify how you feel.

You do have to tell people. What different individuals want on their birthday varies hugely, as we can see from the replies on this thread alone. I have friends who go all out with lavish parties every year and I have friends who genuinely want everyone to ignore it.

The reason I asked what OP's family usually do is that presumably she's had many birthdays in previous years with them. The pattern has been set and you shoudln't expect them to change it. If they put in little effort compared to the norm, it's reasonable for her to be upset. If they put in the same effort as usual, and she's endured it silently all these years, then yes, she has to speak up and tell them she's not happy with it. Otherwise why would they change?

I understand and I'd feel sad too. In my family we make an effort with birthdays. At the very least, a nice breakfast is made, presents are given and then the birthday person decides what they want to do - eg. A day out or dinner at a restaurant.
However, maybe what's different is we plan it all in advance. I wouldn't say nothing in the run up to my birthday and then expect to be surprised with nice presents and plans. Instead, I'll give present ideas and we discuss what I'd like to do (it's the same for everyone in the family). No matter who's birthday it is, we always plan it in advance, as a family.
I get quite confused when people just say nothing about their birthday, then get upset on the day when nothing's happened. It's like, why didn't you give ideas beforehand??