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Original poster

Made to feel unimportant on my birthday

264 replies

Patheticbirthday · 29/09/2024 20:27

I'm prepared to be told I'm being too sensitive but 2 weeks ago it was my birthday and after having a rough year was looking forward to being a teeny bit spoilt. I wasn't looking for anything much just a nice breakfast, a little token gift (or the item I bought cheaply on vinted wrapped and given to me) and a day where I wasn't responsible for cooking, planning, cleaning and life admin.

It started positively with my husband bringing me a cup of coffee and a card including one from our youngest adult child who is away at uni. Our eldest daughter who is in her mid 20s and still at home didn't wake until mid morning and brought me a home made card using printer paper that wouldn't even stand-up -think badly executed primary school project rather than craft fayre. Fair enough- I was gracious and said thank you, it's lovely.

Husband asked what I wanted for breakfast but followed it up with we were out of bread but he'd go out if I wanted him to get something. This irritated me somewhat given we live a 15 minute drive each way from the nearest convenience store and clearly showed no planning/ thought. I said I was fine with coffee as preferred to be together and assumed I would have a gift or two to open especially as my daughter had been seeing friends in London for the week before so had easy access to excellent shops. They made themselves cereal and could barely make any conversation before they left me alone in the lounge.

By midday I was was feeling so hurt that clearly nothing special had been arranged (although I later saw that they had made some cookies earlier in the week when I had been out and whilst a nice gesture showed absolute disregard for my very recent diabetes diagnosis and me desperately trying to adjust my diet). I ended up sorting washing as they had over filled the laundry basket without even vaguely considering taking it to the washing machine! I then sorted some life admin tasks- finances and insurance etc. By 2 o'clock I had been sat on my own for 2 hours with nothing to eat all day so made myself some cheese and crackers and had a little cry at how pathetic my birthday had turned out. I'm not proud of what I did next but I went to my daughters bedroom where they were laughing playing computer games and could not resist using some choice words saying I'd remember their actions on their birthday and not arrange the usual days of celebrations often involving expensive shopping trips, breakfast out, family parties, trips to nice places and surprise gifts.

I then went to my bedroom, cried, watched TV, treated myself to some bits on vinted, and felt totally dejected pretending to my friends and family who were messaging me happy birthday that I was having a lovely birthday. I didn't have a single gift to open (parents gave me some money and friends have arranged a trip to the theatre/meal out). I assumed my husband and daughter would soon appear at the door to say sorry we messed up, we love you, give us an hour to gather a few things and let's restart your birthday but no absolutely nothing. The day before I had done a shop and my husband made dinner using the things I'd purchased asking if I wanted any. However it was a roast dinner which is something I rarely have and not in keeping with my very determined healthy eating plan where I like potatoes baked and veggies steamed not dripping in fat. Given it was near 7pm I was getting more upset (& sadly sulky) and declined. I know it's not nice to sulk but all I needed was an apology and some recognition that they had made me feel totally unimportant and lonely on my birthday after a really tough year. Since then they have barely spoken to me. I thought I was important to my family but now it feels like my importance is only as the cleaner, cook and organiser. It seems such a trival thing to ignite a lot of big feelings including questioning what I previously thought was a happy marriage.

OP posts:
Showbel · 02/10/2024 07:25

Are your family usually like this? Do they usually make a fuss of you on your birthday ?
I appreciate this sounds different but I've always made my own birthday plans so I know we will be doing something as a family that I enjoy, partially because I'm a bit particular when it comes to certain things but I know I won't be disappointed! I don't expect to be surprised on my birthday? But if you usually get surprise presents etc I can understand why you feel upset.

Mamabobogo · 02/10/2024 07:24

coolcahuna · 02/10/2024 07:13

I hear you! Many moons ago my ex husband did this.. literally my birthday wasn't mentioned at all. I didn't get anything, not even a card. It's the awkwardness of everyone saying " Happy Birthday, hope your family have spoiled you rotten'. Erm no.

that’s very different to OPs experience, and totally unacceptable.

OP I feel was being a martyr, particularly the arranging insurance on that day.

Topjoe19 · 02/10/2024 07:22

Sorry to hear you had a rubbish birthday. I've have learnt that if you want to be treated/spoiled on your birthday, you need to expressly tell someone that & exactly what you want to happen. Especially if you are usually the organiser of things.

Anxiouswaffle · 02/10/2024 07:14

But if she acts as a martyr/sulks habitually this could be a reason for them making no effort
I do think she sulked initially anyway- her reaction to her husband offering to get her breakfast was a sulk-

coolcahuna · 02/10/2024 07:13

I hear you! Many moons ago my ex husband did this.. literally my birthday wasn't mentioned at all. I didn't get anything, not even a card. It's the awkwardness of everyone saying " Happy Birthday, hope your family have spoiled you rotten'. Erm no.

mugboat · 02/10/2024 07:04

Anxiouswaffle · 02/10/2024 07:00

Was it a working day or weekend?
Although i do have sympathy for the lack of presents and effort it is countered by your reaction as a martyr and crying by yourself.
It reminded me of my own mum who no matter what we do nothing is good enough and the dramatics is just unbearable. We'd go overboard for say mother day - card/flowers/present/visit/meal and she'd always be disappointed in something or highlight something else someone had got that she hadn't - ultimately you are tempted not to bother at all if she's going to sulk anyway might as well not make any effort

if the OP's family had gone overboard and she'd sulked, I agree with you. This is a completely different situation and she's saying the opposite. No-one made the effort all and by lunchtime she'd given up.

Pumpkinsoup24 · 02/10/2024 07:04

Why do adults act like this?
Stop relying on other people to make your day good and make your own day good, that way you'll never be disappointed!
You should have booked yourself a day out, go somewhere you've wanted to go. Go to the theatre or even just see a film somewhere. Jump.in the car and go out for breakfast. If you're going to wait for other people to do what you hope to do then you'll be waiting along time and possibly always disappointed. Everything I listed you'd have had a far better time on your own than crying at home.

mugboat · 02/10/2024 07:03

Some of the replies here are harsh.

The OP clearly picked up on the "we can't be arsed with your birthday vibes".

Of course she should have expected a sumptuous birthday breakfast with delicious foods, coffee and presents... husband should have gone to the shop and not even asked...

And no-one offered to make the OP a lunch?

I can totally see why, by then, she was in a sulk. I'm guessing she puts in loads of thought into everyone else's birthday.

Theunamedcat · 02/10/2024 07:00

Do they discuss their expectations in advance? Unlikely chances are OP makes a big fuss and sorts everything and they bask in it but when it's their birthday....crickets

Anxiouswaffle · 02/10/2024 07:00

Was it a working day or weekend?
Although i do have sympathy for the lack of presents and effort it is countered by your reaction as a martyr and crying by yourself.
It reminded me of my own mum who no matter what we do nothing is good enough and the dramatics is just unbearable. We'd go overboard for say mother day - card/flowers/present/visit/meal and she'd always be disappointed in something or highlight something else someone had got that she hadn't - ultimately you are tempted not to bother at all if she's going to sulk anyway might as well not make any effort

BotDranning · 02/10/2024 06:59

Only read first page of responses.
YANBU and I'm.surprised do many people think you are. That's so sad. Do people really have such low expectations?
It's lovely to be treated specially. Especially on your birthday. It's about being appreciated.
Happy Birthday for a couple of weeks ago OP. Next year book a spa with your friends.

Lemonadeand · 02/10/2024 06:53

I would be going on strike and treating myself to some gifts from the joint account. And tearing a strip out of my husband. Honestly, I’m amazed some people think such low standards are acceptable.

CosyLemur · 02/10/2024 06:50

CovertPiggery · 30/09/2024 10:23

It seems like a completely normal reaction to me.

Most people would be upset if they saw everyone else get treated for their birthdays but then don't even get so much as a token gift and their family then practically ignore them for 2 weeks after.

It would be different if nobody did anything for birthdays.

I'm sorry your family have been so shit OP.

Show quote history

But they did! Her DH was willing to travel for 30 minutes to get her whatever she wanted for breakfast - seeing as she didn't want anything that was in the house even though she'd done the food shop the night before - she said no!
She'd clearly brought the food for a roast dinner - she said no she didn't want to eat it!
Yes the cookies were a mistake, but with a very recent diagnosis of diabetes it's sometimes easy to forget.

Instead she wanted to sulk in her bedroom like a teenager!!
How does she know whether or there was a gift going to be given/announced at their evening meal - that the DH had spent quite a while preparing?

Blanketyre · 02/10/2024 06:49

Why are roast dinners and cookies bad but croissants aren't??

I agree, OP, take a bit more responsibility for communication. Tell them what you want in future and organise stuff for yourself. Sounds like they are just a bit thoughtless rather than awful.

Meadowfinch · 02/10/2024 06:49

I learnt long ago to set firm expectations in advance for my birthday.

Providing a birthday present list is a good reminder even if they choose something different. And a discussion of which restaurant makes it clear I expect to go out rather than cook that evening.

It's the only way. Being hurt or sulking gets you nowhere.

Mairzydotes · 02/10/2024 06:46

You are an adult with a diabetes diagnosis and you didn't eat because they didn't sort something for you? No, you are responsible for feeding yourself.

If you wanted to be taken out for a meal , perhaps suggest that in advance, but take some responsibility for yourself.

MakeMeATea · 02/10/2024 06:46

Yabu as you sound hard work.
He offered to go to the shop and get something you said no but didn't suggest an alternative.
You said you didn't want much for your birthday.. That's low expectations already so you dug your own grave really.
People aren't psychic you need to give them ideas.. Oh I would like to go to x place for my birthday, oh dh I really like this for my birthday.
Rather than making the best of it you decided to mope around all day.

RedHelenB · 02/10/2024 06:45

FrancisSeaton · 29/09/2024 20:35

You don't help yourself really though- your husband asked if you wanted him to get you something from the shop and you acted the martyr instead?

This. As you say tge day started well but OP started finding fault. Why she had to do the laundry is beyond me, if it really needed doing ask one of the adults to do it .

Maria1979 · 02/10/2024 06:42

Branleuse · 29/09/2024 20:56

Fuckem. I hate birthdays. I no longer make any effort for my families birthdays as they do nothing for mine.

You picked a good username then🤣

CosyLemur · 02/10/2024 06:39

You were offered food you said no, your DH was going to go to the shops to get whatever you wanted - you said no.
They baked cookies - you said no.
He cooked a roast dinner - you said no!

Honestly you caused the issues yourself by saying no to every suggestion!

Fraaahnces · 02/10/2024 06:24

My advice is also to start organizing and doing only the things that affect you. Pull right back. They’re old enough to cook & do their own laundry. Just do your own. No announcements. Just stop. Pay your own bills. Stop being everyone’s brain. Don’t make lunches. Stop reminding them about everything. Just look after you and your Dad. When they inevitably come to you with their complaints, let them know you’ve been show where you stand and you’re showing the same respect and gratitude you’re receiving. You’re focusing on your Dad because he needs you.

notafanofmarmite · 02/10/2024 06:21

Your family takes you for granted and you are also caring for your dad which is stressful. You need to spell out what you want and set expectations. It is not unreasonable to need a special diet because you are diabetic. It is not unreasonable to expect you should have a special day on your birthday, and for your family to get you a small gift. Quit doing your adult children’s laundry.

Your brother who is out of the country…you know what, he can contribute financially to the care of your dad. If you don’t ask for these things, people, yes even your own family, will bleed you dry if you let them. Don’t let them.

Bee43 · 02/10/2024 06:03

Skyrainlight · 29/09/2024 21:22

So your husband makes you coffee, brings you a card, is willing to drive 30 minutes to buy you what you want for breakfast and make it which you decline. You then cry because you declined breakfast and no one made you lunch. Then you decline dinner instead of saying you would prefer your potatoes baked. You make the household feel bad when you have rejected their offerings, you guilt trip everyone, behave like a child. I would hate to live in your house, you sound like a nightmare. I wouldn't be speaking to you either.

agree, op sounds like a spoilt brat.

Dollshousedolly · 02/10/2024 05:56

Sorry you had a crap birthday but that can happen when you have expectations of how a day should go. Not getting a gift from either was hurtful though and I’d scale back what you do for their birthdays. If you’d wanted avocados, why didn’t you buy them when you were veg shopping the day before? Ask your DH to go get sourdough?

Maybe stop doing so much for your DD and DD - for starters, they can do their own laundry, surely ?

pinkgrevillea · 02/10/2024 05:36

On my last birthday I picked a restaurant I wanted to eat at, booked a table and we went there. I said no gifts as we've got other expenses and I don't need more crap. We had a nice meal, went for hot chocolate, that was it. My kids are caught up in their own lives and my DH is flat out with work so I made the day happen myself. It sounds like you ruined the day for yourself tbh, you could have booked a table somewhere and had a nice meal.