Made to feel unimportant on my birthday

FFS on so many aspects of OP's opening thread. Very thoughtless of the h and d but sulking, crying and being a martyr really?

I think this is less about your birthday OP and more about your lack of support in general. It sounds like you’ve had a very full on time supporting your dad, does your DH help with this at all?

I think if you hadn’t been so under pressure beforehand you probably wouldn’t be feeling this way about your birthday. You need to look at how you can be more supported, either by your DH or perhaps pay for carers (although I’m not sure what is wrong with your father) to take the pressure off on an ongoing basis.

As for your birthday, not to generalise, but men really are a bit pants! I would be very explicit about what you want next year, even if that is for him to organise a surprise.

I am so sick of people acting like people who find birthdays important and expect basic consideration from those they love are pathetic drama queens. The bar is in hell and I am tired.

So birthdays aren't a big deal for you. Wonderful. But if they are important to loved ones you step up and eye roll in private. We don't get to enforce our preferences on someone else.

OP, you wanted some company and some thought. That is such a small thing to ask for, especially when you see them make an effort for other people. They made some cookies and offered to get you something for breakfast because you were out of bread. Oh and then offered a roast after leaving you alone all day. People are telling you that you refused so it is your fault but they know you are changing your diet for health reasons so to me it shows another lack of consideration.

At this point I would be setting very clear expectations for next year and also telling them how hurt and unvalued you feel. If they don't react appropriately then I would be thinking about how they treat you the rest of the time. Your daughter obviously is one thing, but you don't have to stay married to someone who makes you feel less than you are. You deserve to feel special and thought of and have one day off from sorting everything for others and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Honestly, I must be from another planet compared to some on here. Stop accepting such poor treatment and telling others they should do likewise FFS.

The things they did do nicely (offering to make breakfast, offering to go out and get what OP wanted for breakfast, making cookies ahead of time, making dinner) the OP sulked about so I wonder what this looked like from the other side.

That's a shitty way to be treated by your family, OP, and I can see why you're upset and disappointed. I do think you could have made the day more enjoyable if you'd just taken yourself out for a nice breakfast and then just done things that you enjoy but never get time for/give yourself permission to do, like go to a gallery or the movies or have lunch with a mate. It wouldn't have made up for your family behaving so thoughtlessly, but at least you wouldn't have been hungry and sulking at home.

Mine would have planned in advance, but then he ‘does’ birthdays. We’ve between us created our own template of how birthdays are celebrated so we know what we have to do and we know what to expect. Evidently the OP and her husband haven’t done this. Which suggests that their communication sucks. Both of them.

But acting like a martyr is so annoying. The food complaints sound like someone who resents having to change her diet and cut down on carbs anyway. A roast meal would have been fine — she just needed to have more vegetables and fewer potatoes. But instead she chose to take it as evidence that they weren’t making an effort.

I do think the bar is very low for men on Mumsnet. People accept that not having your birthday celebrated is normal and that in fact the OP is a drama llama makes me wonder how awful some people’s lives are that this is their take on it. Or that she should be unutterably grateful he booked a roast when she can’t even eat roast dinner.

OP, I am really sorry your birthday was so poor.
Yes your family completely take you for granted and have all behaved very poorly.
Unfortunately I firmly believe that we teach people how to treat us and you have by having a really low bar allowed this to get to this point.
Your daughters have behaved very poorly, a paper made card? From an adult?
Please🙄.
Really poor and thoughtless.
I think information is power and you need to rethink all that you do.

Dial back for Christmas completely.
Hand it over to your husband.
As for doing their laundry on your birthday?
Ridiculous and behaving like a complete martyr.
Value yourself.

You have taken on a lot of extra responsibility now that your brother has left you to it all🙄.
Can your parents pay for extra help?
Your husband and family need a dose of the new reality of your health and responsibilities.
Drop the rope.
Tell them to sort laundry, lifts, food out.
Start catering to your needs.
Believe me it feels good.
I have dropped the rope in my home in recent months and no one has died.
I simply am no longer doing more than feels comfortable.
I took several holidays with friends and didn't do a shop before I left nor left meals.
They are all big enough to sort themselves out and they did.
I feel a lot more content in myself since I no longer believe it is all on me.

As for Christmas I do the bare minimum.
I did it all when they were children but they are adults now and wasting money and time trying to figure out endless thoughtful gifts no longer interests me.

Nknone has died from me dropping the rope and everyone now knows where they stand....mum is busy doing her own thing so they better catch a bus😁.

I'm sorry you had such a crap birthday OP and know exactly how you feel - the pinnacle of (STBX)H's gift crapness being the Christmas before last, when there was nothing under the tree for me - despite him having been to the supermarket to get himself some beer on Christmas Eve and knowing that I would have been happy with a bottle of fizz, which would have required zero planning or thought. I had a little cry by myself that day.

It's not even the lack of gift, it's the lack of thought. It's the feeling of meaning so little to everyone else that they can't even be bothered. It's the repeated 'Oh I'm sorry, I didn't have time to go and get you anything' despite being sat at a computer and being capable of ordering things for himself.

Two weeks of silent treatment from them for being pulled up on their crapness is excessive, though and I hope things are getting better for you.

Absolutely, sometimes I feel like I'm on another planet from posters on MN. The OP's follow up post makes her family seem even worse. Why have women such a low bar on here.
I have nice birthdays, we are skint so no extravagant things. But we go on my favourite walk, I don't have to cook and DH cooks food that I want. It's a nice day together.

I'm sorry you had a rubbish birthday. What has it been like previously?
This is so common but you have to be very explicit when you have a family that takes you for granted.
Have a chat with your family and let them know that you felt sad and unloved on your birthday.
Next year, remind your dh that you'd like a gift for your birthday. Give him some ideas.
My dc know I'm easy to buy for and will buy me the latest thriller in the supermarket, a candle, some nice toiletries. I used to put a reminder in their phones as a "joke but not really" on my birthday date like "mum's birthday. Reminder to spoil her with hugs and tea"
They learned that it mattered to me.

He made a roast because that's what he wanted.

The OP didn't feature in the thought at all

Reading these posts, I wonder if some people are so utterly miserable in their lives that they feel the need to be rude to posters who clearly are upset and looking for advice/support.

I mean, offer your opinion, but why call the OPs names? or insult their character? And, ironically, accuse her of acting like a child (when they themselves are acting like children by being so utterly mean in their replies).

^^This

To be fair, it doesn't matter whether it was @Patheticbirthday 's birthday or not, she's clearly being thoroughly taken for granted.

Has there been any acknowledgement or discussion since?

If not, there should be.

That was a really shit day.

It's the thought that counts. The OP is clearly bothered by the lack of thought put into her birthday by her family.

E.g. I had a bit of a shit birthday myself this year, but it didn't bother me much because lots of thought had been put into it... the plans just didn't pan out as expected.

We aren't "big" on birthdays either. I make cakes, for everyone, whatever the grandkids are "into" at the moment. I put money in their accounts , sometimes I print a joke fake cheque and put in the card. I have 2 disabled DSs on benefits,one sends a jokey message to ever single family member, I actually forgot his birthday this year,he was 41, I remembered the previous week,then had health issues, the following day, I was mortified! I felt sick, I was crying.They don't expect presents, they wouldn't like that, because it makes them more aware of how little they can afford. I always ask if they need anything,last year bought him a new vacuum cleaner. Oldest DD bought me tickets to Bletchley park, complete surprise! For me and DH, I loved it. For my 60th she took me for afternoon tea at The Dorchester. She's not earning that kind of money anymore, Change of career. It took DH years to remember my birthday and wedding anniversary (he used to "secretly" ask our DD. I loath parties,events.. we'll probably have a little lunch at our usual carvery,or afternoon tea. We don't"need" anything, same goes for Christmas.

To expect some presents, some cards and someone making you breakfast and dinner/a trip out on your birthday is not too much to ask, some people's bar is painfully low.

The Op makes a huge effort for all of their birthdays, it's courteous that same level of care is reciprocated. Also, why wouldn't you want to make a fuss of someone you love?!

Next year, make a plan and set your expectations

stop being their maid. Your daughter is old enough to do own washing now.

Your family is selfish. They're very happy with you putting in all the effort on their birthdays, but regard you simply as their human support unit and cheerleader. Mothers need to push back on this behaviour as it's atrocious. I'd be giving them a roasting over the next few days, one they'll never forget.

PS. Experienced much the same on a previous 'big' birthday. Let's just say my kids have never made that mistake again. Nor my husband.

This event is systematic of not being cared for and appreciated. Maybe a talk about how the day's events made you feel when your thoughts have settled.

Dp thinks birthdays after the age of 12 are 'Self-indulgent bollocks', however, he's attentive all yr round which makes his comments seem less harsh.

my husband wouldn't have even asked, he would have gone out and got something.

Why are people missing the point?
It's not about her failing to arrange things weeks in advance. It's not about croissant vs roast potato in terms of fat content.

It's about the fact that NO ONE felt her important enough to even celebrate her existance.

She could certainly arrange her own celebration, but that defeats the purpose. Her birthday is her family's opportunity to say thank you for all she does for them, so effectively she got a "meh" and they carried on as normal.
Of course she was hurt!

I'm so sorry OP. It was shitty behaviour. Now you need to tell them that it was and that it really hurt your feelings - they don't sound like they are intune with you enough to work this out for themselves.
Sadly, they can't make it up to you now, but they can show a little more interest going forward. You aren't a kitchen appliance.

OP I haven't RTFT but I would have been devastated and I would have cried too. They should be ashamed! Definitely take yourself off on holiday next year since they clearly don't give a shit.

how disingenuous. Of course we rely on others to make us feel happy on special occasions. We are social creatures, most of us choose to live in family units. We are not hermits.

First, many happy returns! I hope you have a much better year to come and it’s a new, healthier you who has a fantastic birthday next year. Weekend away with your friends?

I totally understand how you feel. You’re exhausted from decades of caring and organising for people, a year of health worries and you were hoping for some TLC and to feel appreciated. Not too much to expect at all. Could you also be menopausal? That can often make us feel this way even more.

If it helps, I have similar age DSs and they do v little for my birthdays. Always buy me a gift but not always a card and don’t send cards to even their grandma who they’re close to. They argue ‘no one sends cards these days: you message instead’. I’ve explained many times some people (especially those who live alone) appreciate a card. But they never bother. So, your DD sounds fairly typical. At least she made you a card. But I understand the double standards with her planning things for your DH and her BF. I’d have a chat with her and explain how you were feeling and apologise for your outburst. Let her know you need a little more support now she’s an adult too. She should try to understand.

As for your DH, that’s a different matter. I’d expect more of a partner who’s supposed to love and care about me. Did he not want to do something special with just the two of you? Has he not realised how you’ve been feeling, especially with your DD being away at uni? My ex’s (kids’ dad) family don’t make a fuss at birthdays and he was never bothered about doing anything on his. But he always bought me gifts and made food, as he knew I appreciated it. I think you need to talk to him about how the thought of some TLC on your birthday has kept you going and the lack of this made you feel really sad. See how he responds.