Made to feel unimportant on my birthday

Oh for God's sake! Is this really how it is for so many people? Go shopping the day before & buy your own croissants so poor dh & dd don't have to think about them?

Do you think her dh buys his own birthday breakfast the day before to save her thinking about it? Or starts sowing seeds about the upcoming birthday 6 weeks in advance? No? Why not? Oh! Because op does all that + more.

Why is the bar so dreadfully low for so many women. It's upsetting.

YNBU OP! happy (belated?) birthday & im sorry you were made to feel that way. Unfortunately i can relate and know how sad it is to feel like everyone comes before yourself. No thoughtful advice or words of wisdom, just commiserations x

I think your family have been thoughtless but I also don't think this has come out of nowhere. If you know they're rubbish, set reminders in advance. You went shopping the day before, didn't buy croissants (or bread) but did get ingredients for a roast dinner. It's almost like you set your family up to fail.

I second this, so sorry you had such a rotten day. Happy belated birthday 💐

Were you just determined to have a go at them? Because he offered to go to tnr shops you declined. You refused to eat the dinner and the cookies but wanted croissants, if you wanted to go to thr cinema you could have said, they aren’t mind readers, you’re a grown up.

you could easily have said, yes please go to the shops I want croissants, but I guess that would have stopped you having a go. You could easily have said when dinner was cooking can you put a baked potato in for me. Or don’t put butter on my veg.

sorry op, I’m with them in this,

The underneath of this is I’m sure you do everything for your family, feel slightly unappreciated (maybe alot!) and this was the one day of the year they could have shown you how much they appreciate all that you do for them and how much you are valued.

I'm sorry ❤️

Why are people so determined to misconstrue what the OP said?

It's all in the opening post.

Noone in her family made more than the least cursory acknowledgement of her birthday.

The op is recently diagnosed with diabetes & trying to eat healthily.

The cookies were baked by the dd days before the birthday so not any effort for the birthday. Being in her 20s & presumably working & living at home but solvent enough to go to London to visit friends & have a social life but couldn't be bothered to buy a card & small gift for her mother who is (from the info shared) still doing her laundry & buying food shopping for...come on!

And as for the 'dh' let me guess- v happy to have a fuss made of him on his birthday but couldn't be bothered to think of any way AT ALL to make his wife feel cherished & loved & appreciated on her birthday.

Seriously...half arsed attempt to offer to go to the shop is just crap!

Why couldn't he think the day before of organising a breakfast/ dinner of whatever food op can enjoy given her diabetes?

Because he's a lazy arse is why!

I'm married 22 years & we spoil each other a lot. I'm not talking diamonds (though that too on occasion) but just taking care of each other. We CHOSE to spend our lives together. We love each other & we're nice to each other. It's the baseline in our day to day.

Even at times when money has been tight dh will put me & dd first.

We had an incredibly hard year financially a couple of years back & still on my birthday he went out of his way to find ways to treat me - breakfast in bed. Ran a bath. Small treats to eat - a small bunch of flowers & he'd somehow found the way of putting aside enough cash for my fav takeaway Japanese food for dinner. Dd had no clue things were tight money wise (a big contract had fallen through)

Op don't be made to feel bad for wanting & expecting more attention & focus from your husband. I think that's ultimately the conversation you need to be having.

Life is too short not to be making the very most of it. Don't waste yours on a man who barely sees you. You deserve to be adored.

You expected them to guess what you wanted and disliked the things they did (cards, offering to go to the shop, cookies)

If you want a meal or a trip out you should have said.

But they should have got you a gift. That's poor.

And yes of course it's fine to match their energy

How come you didn't just ask him to cook some of your potatoes separately?

So your husband makes you coffee, brings you a card, is willing to drive 30 minutes to buy you what you want for breakfast and make it which you decline. You then cry because you declined breakfast and no one made you lunch. Then you decline dinner instead of saying you would prefer your potatoes baked. You make the household feel bad when you have rejected their offerings, you guilt trip everyone, behave like a child. I would hate to live in your house, you sound like a nightmare. I wouldn't be speaking to you either.

Yes, a little gift would have been nice. If they normally do that, why didn't you ask them why?

But you told your dh not to go and get something nicer for breakfast. You got a home made card, which shows more thought than grabbing one from the shops, and weren't happy. They made you cookies and a roast, which didn't fit in with your healthy eating, but they probably thought on your birthday you'd like something more special. And you chose to do the laundry and shout at your dd.

Why didn't you say: I'd like to go to the cinema? If that's what you wanted to do.
Dh is dreadful about wanting to do something, but not making a decision what to do. I know that if I want to do something then I need to tell him "we will do this". I wouldn't on his birthday though; I let him make the decisions.

Things like croissants are nicer fresh, so why didn't you say when he offered to go to the shops that was what you would like?
You need to speak up (nicely) before the event and say "this would be nice" rather than sulking because they haven't done what you expected but didn't tell them you wanted.

Totally understand.
However, I think you should have asked for specific things that you wanted to do.
A nice lunch out and or a nice dinner out.
And specifically ask for birthday presents.

You are the organiser so you arrange everything.

They fall into the trap of relying on you.

So you have to be assertive.

It's hard. It you have to.

I think you made the day a lot worse for yourself. You acted like a martyr...you should have said yes go out and get breakfast to oh instead of quietly being angry, you should have suggested going out and doing something instead of sitting on your own and doing laundry and life admin.

And it sounds like you are selective in what you want...dont want cookies and a roast but want croissants? Fair enough, its 100% up to you whatt you eat but I'd be a bit annoyed if I offered a roast and homemade cookies and they were turned down due to being unhealthy but then you moaning I didn't get croissants

Ok so your family weren't forthcoming with nice birthday plans but instead of taking charge and either asking them to do something nice with you, or even making the day special for yourself by going out somewhere nice alone or doing nicer things than life admin , you made it worse.

The gift thing, yes. Very selfish of them. The rest of it sounds daft and like you're unnecessarily spiting yourself all the time.

The issue is that the OP made the worst of her own birthday by (having said all she wanted was a card, a token gift and a day when she didn’t need to think about cooking, planning, cleaning, and life admin) criticising the substandard card from her DD, rejecting her husband’s offer of going to get her something for breakfast, the cookies he and her DD had made and the dinner her DH was making, and spending the day doing laundry and arranging insurance.

As on every single other thread like this I just want to ask why people don’t discuss these things in advance. It’s not that relatives or spouses should need spoon feeding and my bar for men is perfectly healthy and high but if you know what you want then bloody well say so. People aren’t mind readers.

You didn’t like what any of them did, some of your criticisms are mad. Croissants are okay but roast potatoes aren’t? Come on.

You should have had something to open. That wasn’t okay and would have been hurtful. But the rest of it is pretty dismal. If you don’t want to do laundry on your birthday then don’t. Doing it as a form of guilt tripping unappreciative relatives is so daft.

YANBU. The bar is so low on here. A cup of tea in bed? My husband and I do this for each other every day depending who is up first. It was my 40th this week and my husband got me presents and cards. We normally go out for the day but this year we went on a city break!

However - we ask each other what the plan is in advance. I think we booked the city break in June. I not sure I could or would wait until lunchtime on the day without asking what he'd planned.

Fuckem. I hate birthdays. I no longer make any effort for my families birthdays as they do nothing for mine.

They weren't great but you didn't help yourself. I wouldn't get croissants for someone who won't eat a roast as it breaks their diet of steamed vegetables. Croissants are also quite high in sugar so if you would eat one of those you can easily eat a cookie. You also chose to do "life admin" that day instead of doing anything more exciting. Also pretty unreasonable to be upset your daughter didn't get up to mid morning on a weekend. The rest of it though, they should have put more effort in but I would ignore somebody sulking to.

@Patheticbirthday I can totally see why that’s crap. I’m wondering what usually happens for your birthday. I agree that it really sucks if you always organise a thoughtful birthday for other people but they don’t do it for you.

I think it’s easy for people to say “oh I don’t think birthdays are a big deal” but sometimes the reality is that if you didn’t do anything for them they’d be pissed off.

Having said that, I am starting to feel quite out of touch or maybe that’s just MN. If your family don’t care if anything happens on their birthday, then I guess it’s a bit different. I wouldn’t want to say to somebody “please organise this for my birthday”. But equally you should not be doing that for them if they don’t care enough to reciprocate.

Also, I am wondering if this has really gone on for two weeks? Or is it just normal in your house for things to be like this and you are linking it to your birthday and they’ve forgotten about it?

I don't understand all the moping around the house and crying because you're "on your own". Either get dressed and do something on your own or tell your husband you want to go out for a birthday lunch (or whatever you find enjoyable).

Sure, it would have been nice if they'd put in a bit more effort, but no sense in making yourself more miserable by sulking, having a tantrum and playing the martyr.

When this blows over have a conversation with your husband about what would make your birthday feel special to you. People aren't mind readers; you need to speak up.

You moaned when your husband asked what you wanted and that he would go to the shop to get whatever you wanted for breakfast, you were miserable about your daughter’s “badly executed primary school project” of a card, you chose to do the laundry, sort insurance and sort finances out and then moaned about it because you’re such a martyr and then weren’t happy with the dinner offer.

You can’t say you would have been happy with a croissant when you weren’t happy about the cookies or the roast!

Wow. You sound completely overdramatic. What is the norm for birthdays in your house? If you were expecting something different to previous years you should have communicated it. For our birthdays we discuss in advance if there's a restaurant we'd like to book, gift we'd like etc. I'm not one for 'surprises' and 'spoiling'. Yuk. Usually I end up booking the restaurant, it's hardly a big deal.

And nobody forced you to do 'life admin' on your birthday fgs. That was a choice, probably an attempt to guilt your family into feeling bad.

Mumsnet is fucking weird about stuff like this OP, and apparently you’re unreasonable if you want to be made a fuss of on your birthday.

But I disagree. Every year I make a fuss of my loved ones on their birthdays, and every year it’s either not reciprocated, or with minimal effort. Every year it stings. And no, you shouldn’t have to spell it out to your loved ones. It’s not expecting too much for them to get you a card, to make or buy you a thoughtful gift according to finances, and make you feel loved and seen on your birthday.

And it’s this isn’t it, ultimately? Not feeling seen?

Well I see you. Happy birthday for two weeks ago. I hope this year brings you everything you wish for and all that you need.