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Original poster

Would your 11 year old be upset or is mine “ too sensitive “

218 replies

Treacle2024 · 29/09/2024 18:36

I’m willing for you tell me that she is and I need to stop pandering to her but I feel for her 🥹

I am going to try not drip feed
a friendship of 3 girls including daughter
we will call them Sarah ( DD ) molly ( friend 1 ) and poppy ( friend 2 )

Sarah and molly have known each other from 3 years old and were going through the same treatment as each other. We do allow them phones in which we monitor and this is because Sarah can spend a lot of time in isolation and so she has a small amount of contacts on their but mainly it’s a group call of Sara, molly and poppy.
poppy and Sarah met via molly who were friends previously but have now all been close for around 2 years. A few months ago molly’s mum decided that the girls could not chat together as a 3 anymore - there was no real reason but stated it was because she didn’t like poppy.
poppy is more mature than Sarah and molly apparently.
sarah is autistic but in a timid sort of way,
Sarah spent a lot of her pocket money on both molly and poppy for their birthdays and gave poppy hers at event we all attended.
yesterday, Sarah and molly were on the phone sat next to me and then molly said she had to go to a birthday party. Did not mention who’s and fair enough. Around an hour later they all video called her from poppy’s birthday party with the parents present. Sarah was heart broken, they were showing them their dances etc and I cut the call off.
last night I messaged the parents and said that it’s absolutely fine that Sarah was not invited but I felt it was quite mean and had upset Sarah that it was hidden and then they decided to call her during it to show her.
I was told that Sarah is just her sensitive and the girls just wanted to talk to her ! That I have my work cut out for me if she is so upset over it. Now I’m aware I will be jumped on about the phone situation but she doesn’t have the freedom that most children do and is isolated for long periods of time. These are her best friends and she will be devastated if I said right that’s enough you can’t talk to them anymore.

sorry I know that was a ramble.
is she too sensitive ?

OP posts:
DarkDarkNight · 29/09/2024 19:15

Completely insensitive of the parents and kids to call from a birthday party your daughter was t invited to.

Original poster
Treacle2024 · 29/09/2024 19:15

FasterMichelin · 29/09/2024 19:10

I hope in the end you're both able to look back at this and see it as a good thing. Groups of 3 girls rarely work and given their clearly not particularly nice families, maybe it's a good thing that your daughter still has plenty of time to find other friends.

What makes her a target? Looks? Behaviour? Both?

I went to a bitchy girls school and there were a few easy targets there. A few I remember clearly, one of whom was into paganism and generally just different from the average girl. She did get bullied a few times but as she got older she found her group and ended up with a lovely friendship group of other nice, perhaps quirky girls.

Definitely keep providing her with opportunities to expand her social skills. Girl guides/scouts/art groups/whatever her interests are. She'll get there.

Show quote history

she is extremely timid, she goes to a mainstream school and all the girls in her class are in to their make up / skin care / Stanley cups
it got so bad that I tried to convince her she wanted a Stanley cup 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 she won’t have one though hahahaha

she has a lot of aids I suppose you would call them

glasses / leg splints / nasal tube / a diff chair to sit in / laptop instead of pen and paper in every class as well as having no interest in the current classroom trends. The girl she has made friends with the year below has the same interests

OP posts:
BlueLimeRun · 29/09/2024 19:15

Really mean and insensitive behaviour and I’m surprised the parents can’t see that.

SofiaAmes · 29/09/2024 19:12

So sorry your DD and you had to experience this. This is classic tween/middle school mean girl triangle. I went through this with my dd (who is very beautiful, very smart and neurodivergent). I fell out with multiple parents along the way because they enabled/encouraged their daughters' mean girl behavior.
It got a little better for DD in high school and much much better when she went off to University. I found this book Odd Girl Out very helpful for understanding the dynamics between girls (as opposed to boy bullying which looks very different).

Createausername1970 · 29/09/2024 19:11

That's so horrible. Plenty of adults would be upset by that.

I would follow your daughter's lead on whether she still wants to be friends with M and P, I wouldn't interfere in that, but I would definitely reduce my contact with the other parents.

FasterMichelin · 29/09/2024 19:10

Treacle2024 · 29/09/2024 19:03

I really do try but it’s sooo hard for her

molly and Sarah have always been super close because there is an underlying understanding of what life is like.

she has 1 good school friend in the year below but Sarah is the sort of girl ( I don’t mean this in a horrible way I love her dearly) who is a very easy target. I have been working on this and school can be a very very difficult place for her, she is unfortunately not a “ cool” kid in other kids minds. To me she is the coolest human I know.

the thing which made this group so good to begin with was they shared the same interests.

Show quote history

I hope in the end you're both able to look back at this and see it as a good thing. Groups of 3 girls rarely work and given their clearly not particularly nice families, maybe it's a good thing that your daughter still has plenty of time to find other friends.

What makes her a target? Looks? Behaviour? Both?

I went to a bitchy girls school and there were a few easy targets there. A few I remember clearly, one of whom was into paganism and generally just different from the average girl. She did get bullied a few times but as she got older she found her group and ended up with a lovely friendship group of other nice, perhaps quirky girls.

Definitely keep providing her with opportunities to expand her social skills. Girl guides/scouts/art groups/whatever her interests are. She'll get there.

Original poster
Treacle2024 · 29/09/2024 19:10

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 29/09/2024 19:07

Poppy’s parents are arseholes. Whilst you say you are not, I’d be upset that Sarah was not invited to the party, and then also the showing off after. I know a PP said parents are best to stay out of friendship politics, however if I were Poppy’s mum I would have been getting her to think of the impact on Sarah of her decision (if indeed it was her decision) and made her extend the invitation.

Edited

No I’m not upset about her not being invited to be honest. Not going to deny it was Molly’s party then I would be fuming.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 29/09/2024 19:10

Not sensitive - they were incredibly rude!

Lemonadeand · 29/09/2024 19:10

Really hurtful, and preteen girls can experience these kind of things as devastating. I would encourage your DD to continue her friendship with Molly but drop back from Poppy. Stop with the 3-way calls and from now on she can just call and see Molly one to one if she wants to.

Original poster
Treacle2024 · 29/09/2024 19:09

I’m finding this age and the growing up so overwhelming. She has been through a lot and hasn’t had the same experiences I suppose and is still restricted in a lot of ways. It was so much easier when she was younger and had no care in the world and a pot of play doh was all she needed as a distraction.

OP posts:
MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 29/09/2024 19:07

Poppy’s parents are arseholes. Whilst you say you are not, I’d be upset that Sarah was not invited to the party, and then also the showing off after. I know a PP said parents are best to stay out of friendship politics, however if I were Poppy’s mum I would have been getting her to think of the impact on Sarah of her decision (if indeed it was her decision) and made her extend the invitation.

Gymmum82 · 29/09/2024 19:06

Absolutely not being sensitive. Unfortunately girls in a group of 3 inevitably ends up with one being left out.
Id wager that the reason the 3 way calls got stopped is because Poppys mum dislikes you or your daughter or both. Or is trying to put a distance in so that poppy gets Molly all to herself.

Tbh I’d distance away from poppy and her family and keep up the friendship with Molly seperately plus try and encourage other friendships as well

Original poster
Treacle2024 · 29/09/2024 19:03

FasterMichelin · 29/09/2024 18:59

Their parents response is crazy! Over sensitive?! To rub in that Sarah hasn't been invited to a best friends secret party and others have is cruel, universally nasty.

I would follow up with a text to say, actually, you totally disagree and Sarah isn't been sensitive at all. Being left out is hurtful to everyone and you're perplexed with their attitude towards it.

Then I would highly encourage Sarah to widen her social circle. Clubs outside of school, hang outs with different people. In hopes she can feel strong enough to tell them where to go.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with some people!

I really do try but it’s sooo hard for her

molly and Sarah have always been super close because there is an underlying understanding of what life is like.

she has 1 good school friend in the year below but Sarah is the sort of girl ( I don’t mean this in a horrible way I love her dearly) who is a very easy target. I have been working on this and school can be a very very difficult place for her, she is unfortunately not a “ cool” kid in other kids minds. To me she is the coolest human I know.

the thing which made this group so good to begin with was they shared the same interests.

OP posts:
Pomegranatecarnage · 29/09/2024 19:03

YANBU, and your daughter isn’t over-sensitive. That was awful behaviour.

IAmASpoon · 29/09/2024 19:00

I mean, that's fucking awful behaviour. I have no words.

BurbageBrook · 29/09/2024 19:00

Nasty girls with nasty parents. She's not being oversensitive in the slightest.

FasterMichelin · 29/09/2024 18:59

Their parents response is crazy! Over sensitive?! To rub in that Sarah hasn't been invited to a best friends secret party and others have is cruel, universally nasty.

I would follow up with a text to say, actually, you totally disagree and Sarah isn't been sensitive at all. Being left out is hurtful to everyone and you're perplexed with their attitude towards it.

Then I would highly encourage Sarah to widen her social circle. Clubs outside of school, hang outs with different people. In hopes she can feel strong enough to tell them where to go.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with some people!

rainbowstardrops · 29/09/2024 18:59

Your daughter wasn't unreasonable to be upset at all - I'd be upset too!!!
The girls were at best thoughtless and at worst, horrible but they're children and these things happen but the mother and her attitude on the other hand .......

Original poster
Treacle2024 · 29/09/2024 18:58

The reasoning for banning the 3 way calls was because she says poopy is more mature than molly and Sarah which actually isn’t very true but this is a whole diff story of that minims opinion of her own kid who is never ever at fault 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Treacle2024 · 29/09/2024 18:57

5128gap · 29/09/2024 18:54

Are you certain that this is understood by all as an equal triangle, rather than Molly having two friends, Sarah and Poppy, and Poppy being 'friendly' to Sarah via Poppy, but not seeing her as a close party invitee friend, iyswim? If this is how Poppy sees it they may indeed have thought they were being nice to show their dances. However if they're supposed to be equal friends, then it sounds mean.

It was a very equal friendship before the banning of them being able to talk as a 3 which I still don’t quite understand.
i mean don’t get me wrong they would defo see other more because they live on the same road and i am not upset she wasn’t invited.
but Sarah talks to them both separately and been to events with both separately ( not in a mean way we would always invite both but sometimes only one is available )

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 29/09/2024 18:56

No, I think most people of any age would have been upset by that!

Cornettoninja · 29/09/2024 18:56

That mum was a wanker but I think @BiancaBlank has nailed the advice here. You have to think through the repercussions and what your dd can deal with right now.

the vindictive bitch in me says organise something that the dd of wanker mum isn’t invited to but that’s only going to antagonise things.

its really hard for you both, I hope your dd is well enough to be able to expand her friendship group in the near future. Flowers

5128gap · 29/09/2024 18:54

Are you certain that this is understood by all as an equal triangle, rather than Molly having two friends, Sarah and Poppy, and Poppy being 'friendly' to Sarah via Poppy, but not seeing her as a close party invitee friend, iyswim? If this is how Poppy sees it they may indeed have thought they were being nice to show their dances. However if they're supposed to be equal friends, then it sounds mean.

WandaFishy99 · 29/09/2024 18:54

Mean children and mean parents. I'm not surprised your poor girl is upset. They may as well have said Look at us having fun and YOU'RE not welcome!
I think you need to help her make new friends.

BiancaBlank · 29/09/2024 18:50

I can only imagine the other mum felt a bit guilty, and so blamed it on your DD’s ‘sensitivity’ (see also ‘you have no sense of humour’). Of course your DD minded, and in fact I don’t think it’s fine for her not to have been invited either, when this is supposedly one of her best friends! As for ‘they just wanted to talk to her’ - FFS if they wanted to do that they could have invited her to the party!

Unfortunately - and I speak from experience here - there is very little you can do about this other than grin and bear it, because I expect your DD will still want to be friends with these girls. Try not to feed into her upset but just stress that sometimes you don’t get invited to things for whatever reason, and they weren’t being deliberately mean (whatever you might think privately!)

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