WWYD? I am making so many mistakes and can't think straight!

I agree.

I also think you will get a job, op.

Speak again to your ex husband and re-assess his commitment to helping you. Tell him all your misgivings and get his reassurance.

However it's your life, you have to weigh up the pros and cons and nobody can make the decision for you.

Just another suggestion...
You could agree with the girls that you will stay for one year and then move back to the UK. This will give you time to plan properly,to find work, a home etc. It reframes your time away, it is an opportunity for you to spend a year with your family, for your children to explore new country (they'll have lots of experiences to talk about when they get back to the UK). Rather than rushing and making a rash decision (which may cause more problems) take a pause. Acknowledge your children's feelings, let them know you think it was a bad decision to move. Create a plan, emphasise sticking together, being a team, working through problems. Tell them how proud you are of their resilience. What are the pros and cons of Italy? What did they like most about the UK? Reflect on this yourself, look for jobs and houses, explore possibilities. I would barely factor exH into the equation. In that time, you may settle and decide not to move back to the UK. It gives you a chance to think through options and puts a positive spin on your time away. I think that's what I would be doing in your situation.

It honestly sounds as if the UK would be the better option for you right now. The economic factors seem pretty convincing to me.

Surely there will be an issue with your daughters adapting to the Italian curriculum? The subjects will certainly be different and they will be learning in a different language. Using Italian for schooling is probably quite different to speaking it in a family or holiday context. Even the style of handwriting that is taught is likely to be different!

However, sometimes when I have had a big decision to make I do a scoring exercise. So for every factor (home, work, family etc) consider it separately and then give it a score out of five. Do that for each option and add it up. It sounds obvious but it can be quite revealing and also sorts out any muddle going on inside one’s head.

Your ex sounds thoroughly fickle - no doubt when his circumstances change, he’ll change his mind again, and then what? Any plans you make shouldn’t take him into account. A month really isn’t long enough to have given your new life a chance - and if your children grow up bi-lingual, it will be an advantage for them later. Would you actually be able to get them into their old schools? Good schools tend to be oversubscribed, and places fill quickly. I would give it a year - it would be very unsettling for your children to be uprooted after so short a time away. It doesn’t sound as though you would be returning to comparable circumstances, and if you are dependent in the goodwill of your ex to stay in your former home, you could find yourself in difficult circumstances when he decides that he wants half of the money from the house after all.

The job market isn't great at the moment but it does depend on your industry

Would your kids even get a place back at school?

I would try and get a job first and enquire about the school places in the UK. No point thinking about coming back without those sorted anyway. If you can't get a job, you might as well stay where you are.

Something else I've just considered....after reading pps ^^

It's possible that you could get your ex husband to (legally) agree to you living in the family home in the UK and not selling it until the youngest girl is 18.

My SIL organised this as part of her divorce financial settlement

Might that work for you ?

I wouldn't trust your ex-husband

Therefore, if you take that out......you'd be going back to the UK to nothing. Potentially no house, no job, uprooting the girls again....its just not worth it unless you DEFINITELY have a permanent place to live and a job

Is there a benefit system in Italy?

Could you work part time and claim benefits, which would help your mum and you and the girls?

I think I would stay where you are for a while at least. I moved with my parents to France when I was aged 10. It was very difficult as I imagine you are finding. I lost my friends and my stability and I couldn’t speak the language. I didn’t have any friends. However, after a year or so I was really settling in, made new friends and guess what- we moved back again. Very destabilising, I wish we could have stayed.

You are near your family and things will improve when you have your own house and everything settles. Your ex is not to be trusted. It will be hard to get a job back here. Just give it some time…

You could give it some more time but it does sound like neither you nor the dc are happy.
Take exh our of the picture as he's unreliable.
What do you want to do?
Your dm is elderly and struggling with your dc, you're out working/commuting for 12 hours.
If you move back, you've got housing for the time being and you could get benefits to tide you over whilst looking for a job.
You may even be entitled to UC if you find a lesser paid job.
Don't think about what exh or your dm wants just seriously think about what you want and what's best for your little family unit.
Re your dc, you've only a few more years before you won't need childcare, you could take a part time role, claim UC until the youngest is old enough to be left.
Good luck

Move back to the UK as soon as possible. It's destiny talking with the house falling through. Your girls are going to move back to the UK anyway when they are old enough. You can visit your mum regularly. Your family feeling sad is not a reason to stay in Italy. Good luck. And try not to over think this. You will find work in the UK and there is universal credit if needed.

I'd go back to the UK. Not least as the near old won't blame him for the move forever, especially if he stays in the UK.

While he feels guilty get his promises in writing via a solicitor or finalised through the divorce.

@cato40
I know Italy, lived here for nearly 30 years.

Families run Italy, even in the North. It's not set up for nuclear families, even 2 parents plus children are not the norm, it's parents plus children plus extended family.

The whole system is geared up to this, so if you or your family don't want this, it's going to be an uphill battle.

Presumably you know this but there's generally no food provided at schools post primary school so while people may talk of not needing childcare, it's not like the UK, remember that someone needs to feed your children lunch everyday.

Just to add, I have known several families who have changed countries because the parents fancied a new experience /returning home/ a change / seeing the world etc.

It has never worked out well for the children eg depression, anxiety, failure to adapt to new school systems, very poor educational achievement etc.. Children need stability above all - their friends, stable schooling, housing, family.

Staying in Italy for say a year, to see if it pans out and then returning to the UK when it doesn't, (and you know it won't as you can't miraculously improve the educational system or get a better job with fewer hours) is the worse of all worlds.

You need to own your bad decisions and change them asap while you can, not compound them.

This. I'd move back to the UK. You can make it work, you could live in a two bedroom house and make it home.

I'd go back to the UK in a heartbeat. It doesn't sound great where you are.

Well it is early days in Italy and i’d say the kids would settle in time. But the other negatives won’t. I managed 2 kids and full time work in the UK with no local family to help, and my ex working overseas most of the time. I relied on wrap around care at the school, and then holiday clubs at local schools or sports centre’s. It wasn’t easy, but I managed. They are 20 and 16 now. So it’s not forever. Your 11yr old would be fine to stay home alone now, mine did from 11 as holiday clubs tend to cater for 12 and under. I’d say there are a lot more benefits for returning to the UK, but i’d make sure that you can secure good schools / job before you make the move

What did you do for childcare in the UK?

This is a really good summary. I have moved about op so I understand how destabilising it is to change countries. But not with children. Sometimes you have to stick it out. Other times things just aren’t right. No one is happy with this new set up. I’d go back to the uk in your situation. If you have a good skill set, you’ll find a good job.

Can you afford to be in the UK if your DH stops maintenance and evicts you from the house? What is your legal position? What if he starts a new family?

So,
1.poor education system for children
2.poor job for you
3.poor prospects for you
4.you can't be there for your children
5.none of these can get better
6.children unhappy

So move back to UK asap. The longer you put it off the worse it will be.
There's no point persisting when you know the decision was wrong.

To be honest it sounds like you and your DH made a lot of assumptions about what Italy would be like but the reality isn't panning out.

Normally I'd advocate for staying where you were to see if everyone settles but the ages of your kids make me think you need to be more decisive. The 11 year old - is this last year of primary 11 or first year of secondary? Either way you need to be thinking about secondary education and where it would be best for them. Child care for a 7 year old isn't going to be for much longer. So I'd be trying to chunk out the best options given the changing situation for the kids. For example what works best now, what would work best when the eldest is established at secondary, and what works best when the youngest goes to secondary?

You say the school isn't great and there aren't many jobs - these aren't things that will change quickly. Project forward 2-3 years when the kids have friends, and need less child care - are the schools and employment options going to be better? Is there enough - bar family - to keep you there once things become more settled/older kids? To be honest it doesn't sound like it.

Then in contrast with the UK - can you afford to be there by yourself if DH stops payments? What does that look like? It might be simply not an option to move back in which case you just have to knuckle down and make Italy work as the cheaper option and look to find ways to improve things for the kids.

I'm sorry it sounds very much like being between a rock and a hard place. I think you need to try and be very rational about it and think about the different stages of your circumstances over the next 5 years til the 11 year old is 16 and the 7 year old is 12. Where is it best to be at that point and how can you set things up to get there?

It doesn't sound like the salary or COL will change where you are. Your mum is also struggling.

Being a single mum is tough anywhere but easier where there is a better more family friendly structure. I live in France and for me and my kids it worked really well. Have you thought about moving over the Northern Italian border? Or living one side and working in Switzerland for example as a "frontalier"? It would solve the salary issue.

f I move back EXH said he'd let us live there (whereas before he was keen on cashing in his share of the house) till youngest is a bit older.

I wouldn't trust him at all. Also no need for you to feel guilty. You have done the best you can in horrible circumstances. He should feel guilty, the twat.

Give it a year or so.

After a month? I would rather rely on my mum than a cheating and inconsistent ex.
The girls will make friends. But then I moved around a lot as a child, and it was the making of me.