WWYD? I am making so many mistakes and can't think straight!

I think it has perhaps all been to much at once.

It might have been better as a back up plan if you tried it alone in UK first & that wasn't working.

You've tried to make a better life for your girls. We don't know how things will pan out unless we try them. You've been through every stressful situation all at once, most do one thing at a time but unfortunately not your doing you've experienced an affair, break up, house move, Country move etc

I would normally say give something 6 -12 months but the things you are struggling with I can't see them improving. Your mother will get older, ok the girls will get older and not need school runs with her but your mother may need you to help her as she ages. Schools won't improve, job prospects won't improve unless you all move further afield meaning starting all over again or all working in the local area for minimum wage.

From what you've wrote the important things that are better are in the UK. Education opens many doors for your children. You can get a job with higher wages, this can enable you to pay for after-school things, whether it's an activity or paid child care.

If it were me, I'd speak with your ex find out what he will definitely be doing, I'm not sure I'm not in the UK but in Ireland we have rights to stay in the family home until the youngest child is 18. Can you (while he seems to be agreeing to things now) get some concrete plans in place ? Make an agreement about the UK house, who pays what, you can get a solicitor to get this documented, with regards to maintenance you can't depend on that as people can be flakey with this. Work out can you survive in the UK with your own salary and check out what benefits you are entitled to, I don't know UK system but in Ireland we have different benefits for single parents, earning under a certain amount and others, would be worthwhile checking these out.

From experience of living in two EU countries I’d say it takes a minimum of 6 months to settle in and children take about 6 months to settle into a new school structure. I’m assuming your dc speak Italian? That’s a huge plus that’ll help them make friends.
Can you eventually afford a house big enough for a live in help? I’m thinking someone lives reduced rent or rent free in exchange for some childcare.
The alternative is to return to the UK quickly so it’s not too disruptive for the children, stay in your old home as long as possible , it’s easy to make it unattractive to buyers if you want to stall selling.

Just think what is best for your girls. Factor out the ex's wants and consider how you would manage without the support he is promising, as he seems very flakey. I think I would move back if I could make it work.

What about daughters not happy and very limited prospects for them in future?

Do the children even speak fluent Italian? I know children are adaptable but it sounds like they've had all their support network take away and are fed up.

I agree . A month can be seen as a blip .

A year does too much damage . The kids have lost their friendship groups and place in their old lives.

Go back now and work out the rest .
If my kids are happy I am happy.

You and your ex need to sit down now and out the girls needs first .

At this point I wouldn’t trust him but get yourself back in the family home Before he changed his mind and it’s got a buyer. In a year a lot can change .

Do you think people can just move back and claim benefits even though they have never paid into the system? Well it doesn’t work like that! Your benefits are tied to how long you have worked and paid into thr system. And relying on benefits is pretty much the worst advice in this situation

I would stay for a year.

Can you get a local job even if it is in hospitality that will pay the same or similar when you factor in the lack of travel.

You can spend more time with your girls and be around more for you mum

I think if it is touristy it must have some benefits. Such a beautiful place and lots of activities.

@cato40 my English SIL lives in your area just outside Milan and works in Como. She find it very difficult without family support, particularly when the kids were younger. Shorter school days, no after school clubs and 3 month summer holidays all make it harder. She ended up getting an English au pair to come and help them over the summer.
Also the system is very different - you'll know more but I think when you're 14 you have to specialise in either arts, sciences or languages. I feel like this may make it hard to move back later.

I think moving back sounds like the sensible thing to do. The UK for all it's faults is better set up for working single parents and doesn't rely on family support. If your mother is already finding it tiring, it will only get more intense as she gets older.

If visas and work permits allow I would think Switzerland is a good option. Schools are good but childcare provision only in big towns. Countryside still very conservative.

If you move to Switzerland, you could potentially afford an au pair and the hours might be less grueling.

As an Italian in the UK I would move back. I love my home country, the weather, the food, my family and friends. But I think salaries are low, the education system miles behind the UK in so many aspects and generally society is a lot less open, tolerant, diverse and multicultural. all my friends (even in big cities) struggle to find affordable and good quality childcare. Teaching style is old fashioned, no education about bullying and diversity, SEN provision very very sparse.

There is no ofsted and summer clubs and holiday clubs are run by small orgs, completely understaffed with 2 19 year olds looking after 30 kids. I have seen plenty of those clubs in my summer holidays there and would never leave my children in those.

I also believe that ideally children shouldn’t live in a different country to their parent and it sounds like your mother can’t help much anyway.

Can you try and step away from n what feels like an immediate binary choice between the previous house and your current rental? Try and reframe your thinking to something longer term and strategic?
Where in Europe (including UK) will be the best longer term place for a single woman with your career skills to work/live. AND where is going to be best for two girls/women to be growing up in terms of opportunities/rights/attitudes.
So the least patriarchal, the most forwarded thinking, economically expanding and stable country where you don't have a language barrier??
The solution might then be a 3rd option (UK but different town/Switzerland or Norway.... I've no idea)....

I'd cut my losses and go back. The house sale falling through is a serendipitous reason to rethink, on top of all the negatives there summarised well by a PP. Your ex may have his ego issues, but it's still within the realms of belief that he misses his DC. Also, they're aren't very young and you won't need a lot of help with them for too long. Feels like it'll be enough to readjust to the single parent family set-up without changing country and culture so, so go back now before it gets much harder. You tried it and it didn't work out. No need to string it out.

Everyone makes mistakes & nobody is perfect. We would all love to bring our children up in a world where everything is stable and nothing changes. The reality is this is highly unlikely. Please don't feel guilty if you decide to return to the UK. Children are more adaptable than we give them credit for & they would get used to it. The decision of course is entirely yours.

Tbh from what you've written I'd be veering towards moving back.

That said-if your ex reneges on his promises, what then?

You need to be able to manage in UK without him!

There were a lot of good reasons for moving abroad but the situation doesn’t sound good. It’s very hard financially and your mum is exhausted helping and will only get older and more tired if you stay. How about sorting out the house sale asap and deciding when you have the money in your bank whether
to
move?

On terms of transport are you allowed to buy a car in a cheaper country and drive it to Italy? I have no knowledge of the legalities of that but if you can that would solve one problem

I think you need to base your decision as if you have no input from your XH. You can't rely on him, so how would it work if he didn't do what he says he will do. Where would you live. Could you get a job. What would school, childcare, transport etc. be like in the type of area you would probably be living in. Then you need to compare that with the situation where you are living now - if you did not have support from your mother. If she becomes unwell she would not be able to provide childcare and you might even find yourself needing to provide care for her as well. You might well want to do that and it should be a consideration when making your decision.

Nobody can make your choice for you, but we can help you think about the things you need to consider.

If you weigh up the pros and cons of both, which one has less cons?
You're decision needs to be for you and kids, not family or DexH

I agree @Lentilweaver

I would go back to the UK. It’s the girls home and their dad surely will want some contact. That’s just what I would do, if you know it’s a mistake you can undo it at this stage.
you made the decision in a time of great chaos, you are doing your best, onwards and upwards now.
Good luck

Feeling a bit sad because the last 4 posts I have commented on are single mothers beating themselves up because they are not perfect. When it's actually the dads who have upped and left. It's so hard for single mums.