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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husbands drunk on holiday...

393 replies

Unknown987 · 29/09/2024 16:19

So DH booked a suprise holiday for 40th to a very romantic destination...
Has a horrible history with alcohol. I don't drink and he knows how much I hate his drink. Don't realise how bad it was until after marriage...

I ignore he drinks with friends/cousins as it's out of my face but drinking with me and kids is a no go.
he has been drinking on holiday and when I have asked him not to he always comes back with I'm a grown adult you can't tell me what to do. Which is true but it's respect for your partner. but today he drank beer after beer and is now soo pissed I don't recognise him I can't reason with him. His eyes are bloodshot, he's changed our evening plans and won't communicate with me as he's not in his full senses. He has left the resort alone and has said he knows not to do nice holidays with me in future and will only stick to family ones.
I have asked him to come to the room and sleep it off at least talk to me but he won't. He's gone for dinner and I said I wish I was at home and he said so do I (wish I wasn't there). So I came back to the room and he left.
im so hurt I'm crying.
what now?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Delphiniumandlupins · 29/09/2024 19:27

Plantparent · 29/09/2024 19:13

To me it sounds like you are fundamentally incompatible. You are teetotal and he is not. This would be fine if you were able to compromise but you won't tolerate him having even a few in your presence. I would personally hate to be on a well-earned holiday and my DP dictating that I couldn't have a single alcoholic drink. I would be so frustrated and would probably drink even more just to spite him. But we are both moderate drinkers, I personally wouldn't choose to date a teetotaller as I enjoy having a drink, particularly on holiday. You both need to have a sober discussion and find a compromise.

If your culture and religion ban alcohol and you marry someone from the same culture and religion you would naturally expect them to be teetotal. Why should anyone expect the OP to compromise? Her husband never has 'a single alcoholic drink' either. It may only be a few times a year but when he starts he drinks to excess.

IVbumble · 29/09/2024 19:26

Hardest but the best thing I ever did was to get support from here. I was so ashamed it took every ounce of courage I had but it was truly life changing.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Al-Anon Family Groups are for the families & friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

Treeinthesky · 29/09/2024 19:21

Why can't he drink?

DontBiteTheCat · 29/09/2024 19:19

BlackStrayCat · 29/09/2024 18:04

Absolutely.

When my Ex controlling H used to monitor every drink I had (he couldnt drink) it drove me crazy. Made me rebelliously have another one.

He was a complete control freak. I divorced him. Miserable to live with and his point of view was more important than mine.

Your husband has done something nice for you and you are BU IMO. It is a DC free holiday.

Nobody here can label him an alcoholic for having 8 beers (maybe) on the last day of his holiday.

Show quote history

It isn’t just about the 8 drinks though is it?

He has a problematic relationship with alcohol. His first marriage broke up over it. His children have been subjected to him being drunk and having to be carried back to the room by a security guard. His behaviour and demeanour change when he drinks. It has been raised as an issue in the relationship previously.

For people with a “normal” relationship with alcohol, 8 drinks on holiday wouldn’t be a problem. It’s a problem in this case.

I’ve been there OP. He won’t change until he realises he has a problem, and I would be leaving. In fact I did leave. You can’t stop him drinking so you need to prioritise yourself and your children.

Original poster
Unknown987 · 29/09/2024 19:18

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/09/2024 19:16

Are you sure it’s only beer involved?

Yes

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 29/09/2024 19:17

Either way. Keep it together u til you get home. Then ultimatum. He does this again, you’re going separate ways.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/09/2024 19:16

Are you sure it’s only beer involved?

Madremia6 · 29/09/2024 19:16

I know it's hard but get dressed and leave the apartment/room .. go for a walk and grab a bite to eat because every minute that you are in there with him is winding you up and making you angry - I'm guessing he is very aware of that!
Also let the airline know and ask to change seats if you can, if the airline are aware of your issue they will change the seats for you .. it's bad enough being stuck in an apt/room with him but at 37000 there is literally nothing you can do.. 💜

Original poster
Unknown987 · 29/09/2024 19:15

I appreciate every single one of your replies, whether it's words of encouragement or questioning the rules I place on my husband. It's all so useful.
I'm going to try and sleep now for the flight ahead. Pray for me please

OP posts:
Plantparent · 29/09/2024 19:13

To me it sounds like you are fundamentally incompatible. You are teetotal and he is not. This would be fine if you were able to compromise but you won't tolerate him having even a few in your presence. I would personally hate to be on a well-earned holiday and my DP dictating that I couldn't have a single alcoholic drink. I would be so frustrated and would probably drink even more just to spite him. But we are both moderate drinkers, I personally wouldn't choose to date a teetotaller as I enjoy having a drink, particularly on holiday. You both need to have a sober discussion and find a compromise.

Cosyblankets · 29/09/2024 19:12

Unknown987 · 29/09/2024 19:03

No. I didn't,

Show quote history

A person with normal tolerance for alcohol would be in a state the day after drinking a bottle of whisky.
The fact that he was ok on your wedding day indicates a level of tolerance built up by daily drinking in my opinion.
He's not going to change

Original poster
Unknown987 · 29/09/2024 19:10

He's now listening to the same shitty music he listened to when he was previously drunk before marriage. Same shitty behaviours and cycles fuck me fuck my life. What have I gt myself into?!!

OP posts:
godmum56 · 29/09/2024 19:08

Mabs49 · 29/09/2024 18:51

You're living with an alcoholic.

Divorce asap. Or keep on trying while you die through a thousand paper cuts.

this

Pippa246 · 29/09/2024 19:07

Sparkletastic · 29/09/2024 16:25

You go out and have a walk then something to eat. If possible you move into another room. Then when he is sober you tell him it's alcohol or your marriage.

This. And I say that as the problem drinker in my family.

Original poster
Unknown987 · 29/09/2024 19:07

beenwhereyouare · 29/09/2024 19:02

I don't doubt that a bit. Whether it's every day, or twice a year, drinking can make a person obnoxious, selfish, and incredibly damaging .

I can't tell you how many vacation, special occasions, and family events my stepfather ruined. Or the number of times I heard my mother cry herself to sleep. Or the drug and alcohol addictions that have followed through 2 generations in my family. In our case, it's not genetic. But growing up with an alcoholic/problem drinker had a major impact.

@Unknown987 I understand exactly why you keep his drinking away from the family. Stay strong. You deserve better.

Show quote history

My children do not know what alcohol is or what drunk looks like. They thought he had a tummy bug when they were exposed to the drunk episode on holiday.
his parents know the extent of his drink as they found the empty bottles when he lived with them. What I saw as a fun easy going guy is now what I know him to be when drunk, so maybe he was always drunk before we married I'll never know?! His sober post marriage is very different to how he was pre marriage.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 29/09/2024 19:05

You can choose to leave, and for your kids sake I think you should.

Original poster
Unknown987 · 29/09/2024 19:03

Cosyblankets · 29/09/2024 19:02

The day before your wedding when he drank a bottle of whisky.... did you see him?
That's one hell of a tolerance level he'd built up.

No. I didn't,

OP posts:
beenwhereyouare · 29/09/2024 19:02

Unknown987 · 29/09/2024 18:48

With my husband however accommodating I am he always pushes the boundries and then makes me out to be the drama queen.

Show quote history

I don't doubt that a bit. Whether it's every day, or twice a year, drinking can make a person obnoxious, selfish, and incredibly damaging .

I can't tell you how many vacation, special occasions, and family events my stepfather ruined. Or the number of times I heard my mother cry herself to sleep. Or the drug and alcohol addictions that have followed through 2 generations in my family. In our case, it's not genetic. But growing up with an alcoholic/problem drinker had a major impact.

@Unknown987 I understand exactly why you keep his drinking away from the family. Stay strong. You deserve better.

Cosyblankets · 29/09/2024 19:02

The day before your wedding when he drank a bottle of whisky.... did you see him?
That's one hell of a tolerance level he'd built up.

Tae1 · 29/09/2024 18:55

OP, he clearly is a raging alcoholic.
You already have to block him from the home to protect your children.
This is not normal behaviour.

Mabs49 · 29/09/2024 18:51

You're living with an alcoholic.

Divorce asap. Or keep on trying while you die through a thousand paper cuts.

Original poster
Unknown987 · 29/09/2024 18:50

hes snoring away now and is making me so angry.

OP posts:
beenwhereyouare · 29/09/2024 18:49

sunsetsandboardwalks · 29/09/2024 18:30

In fairness, wasn't clear that he was an alcoholic until a couple of pages in.

Without the backstory, it did look like OP was being a bit controlling.

Show quote history

Except she does in the very first post, where she says he has a "horrible history with alcohol."

Original poster
Unknown987 · 29/09/2024 18:48

beenwhereyouare · 29/09/2024 18:40

Incompatible? You make it sound as if OP is also at fault.

She says he has a horrible history with alcohol and that she didn't realize how bad it was before they got married.

I don't see where she wants to limit his drinking except not in front of the family. She may not like that he drinks, but this is likely because he seems to have a drinking problem. We only have her side, but if she says it's horrible, I believe her.

They may be incompatible, but I think her husband's behavior is the reason.

Show quote history

With my husband however accommodating I am he always pushes the boundries and then makes me out to be the drama queen.

OP posts:
AngryBookworm · 29/09/2024 18:48

He's an alcoholic. Inability to stop drinking is a sign of being an alcoholic, even if he doesn't drink often. You have not caused this. If he can admit he has a problem and seek help, the marriage may have a future - but if not, it will happen again and you want to be well rid before it happens as you deserve better. I'm so sorry OP.

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