Husbands drunk on holiday...

Hardly an alcoholic having 8 drinks on holiday and being more of a nuisance than anything else, something else going on here or just clash of personalities. Hope you both can come to some resolution with this OP.

I just wanted to pop by and send some hugs.

I grew up in a household where there was one parent who had an alcohol dependency. The choice was given, their children or the alcohol, they chose the later. As a child you think its normal, you do see the things the adults don't know you've seen (maybe not it all but enough) and peice together it when your older, or at least I did.

Please don't blame yourself, you are not "boring" you just have expectations of what is acceptable to you.

As a child of a parent who is an alcoholic, I can say removing them from the household when I was youngish (9) did help me, I saw a different household to what I always considered "normal" grew my own expectations of what I wanted my household to look like and what family unit I wanted, yes my home is not perfect, not the dream by a mile, but we have no shouting, more laughter than I ever knew and no alcohol, my dc have never seen myself or oh drunk. I may have a small baileys (and it's mini) at Christmas with my dinner but it is not a regular occurrence in our home and not something expected regularly.

I understand you worried about grandparents etc, but from the bottom of my heart please, they are not your responsibility to protect, if they shun your children, yes it will be awful but an unhappy mother, children being hidden from the truth will do more damage to your children in the long run. If your husband isn't able or doesn't want to accept help, then is this the life you want your children growing up with as "normal" and have the possibility of accepting for themselves when they are older and get partners? I am forever grateful of the big step my parent did for me, it was hard really hard but more than doing it for me, seeing the life my dcs have now fills my heart with so much pride that we both did it together to build a new future for the later generations.

Sorry for rambling on I don't usually post but it is something close to my heart.

It’s fine that you don’t drink at all, obviously. A wise choice. Find a partner who has made the same decision.

So sorry OP. My Ddad was similar, and after a line in the sand from my mum, luckily chose us - his family- over alcohol.
My BFF also had a similar situation with her DH, she gave him and ultimatum when their DS was a new born and DH went off in a 3 week bender with the lads before coming back. Swearing to be clean, choosing his son & DW over booze etc. that was 15 years ago. He’s an exemplary parent, partner, friend.

It can be done. Your DH is not capable of moderation. He needs to decide what’s more important in his life.

Your husband is an alcoholic. He needs to address his problems and addiction and seek help. I used to work in pubs and know exactly how they switch, I do not drink like you because of everything I saw serving drunk men. Put me off of drink for life.

You are probably only noticing when he’s drinking more than usual but he is possibly drinking always, it will probably get to that one day.

I completely understand your worries and naivety as it’s not something you would have seen growing up and definitely do not want to let your children ever see again. You need to remove yourself and your children from this as it’s not healthy for anyone.

Also so sorry he has ruined a special occasion ….it’s usually how it is any occasion or family holiday or special day is ruined by the drink.

@LostTheMarble He's an alcoholic and he can't have a drop because it will never be just one. And that started well before he married the OP. How he got there in the first place doesn't really matter now - the choice to drink to excess was always in his hands. His alcoholism is not the responsibility of the Op or of anyone else. The OP needs to focus on what she wants to happen going forward. Can she live like this or not?

@Unknown987 he has been drinking on holiday and when I have asked him not to he always comes back with I'm a grown adult you can't tell me what to do. Which is true but it's respect for your partner. but today he drank beer after beer and is now soo pissed I don't recognise him I can't reason with him. His eyes are bloodshot, he's changed our evening plans and won't communicate with me as he's not in his full senses.

Is it his 40th birthday or 20th birthday? I thought drinking like this was something we do in our 20s because of the novelty factor, then we quickly grow out of it and stop binge drinking by our mid 20s.

So sorry OP. Sounds like a horrible 40th birthday surprise. Make sure you plan something with friends when you are home 🎂

You could be writing this about my ex husband.

Yours should be an ex too. Living with a nasty drunk is hell, and you and your kids deserve better.

For now though, I would get your own room if that's possible, and seriously consider a divorce, as you are wasting your life with this man.

I’m not saying it’s the OP’s fault, I’m saying the more people have said to her husband ‘zero alcohol, it’s sinful/awful/against beliefs’ the more he’s binged. He has to recognise he’s now at the point where he probably should give up altogether, but I can see how he’s got here. He doesn’t have a healthy relationship with alcohol and he has a wife who judges him for having a drop never mind going ott. He has to choose which is more important to him.

But in terms of religion, making something taboo can trigger an overindulgence. Typically people learn to moderate their drinking, through lived lessons and maturity. If drinking is something you’ve always had to make ‘secret’ of course it can have lifelong effects.

In my experience, an alcoholic is going to drink regardless of anyone’s opinion or concerns/boundaries. My adoptive dad was an alcoholic (and a few other relatives were, but dad’s was really the only alcoholic behaviour I saw so up close and personal, since I lived with him most of my life). Other people trying to stop him made it worse, but nobody making it taboo wouldn’t have changed anything, either.

it can easily lead to bad choices being made. The more distain is shown, the more the op’s husband goes overboard. Really? You think she makes him drink? Was it the first wife's fault too?

This organization may help you understand what to do. At least you'll find support from others who understand.
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Op, I've only read your posts.
I don't think this is right in your case but my dad would get snappy if he drank a lot and especially when he hadn't eaten. Turned out he was diabetic and alcohol would mess up his glucose levels badly.

This concept might give your hubby an 'excuse' to see a doctor.
I know a grown man should own up to his own problems and poor behaviour, but just an idea of you want to try a different approach.

But the moment something as normal as alcohol (for an adult) is made taboo, it can easily lead to bad choices being made. The more distain is shown, the more the op’s husband goes overboard. That doesn’t mean he’s not being a shit here, he evidently has problems with alcohol. But it also reads like the op expects zero drinking, and that is not for one adult to dictate to another based on the first’s personal beliefs. Up to 8 beers (highly likely watered down) on holiday is really not that bad in my opinion either.

While I would never recommend destroying anyone's passport, this is about far more than 8 drinks on a holiday @DillDanding. Please read all the OP's posts before commenting.

What? Because he had one day of drinking 8 beers on holiday? You’d destroy his passport?

That sounds very difficult @Unknown987 I don’t drink much either but that’s because I didn’t really like the taste of alcohol until I was about 30 (my siblings were similar). And I only drink an occasional wine when eating out with others. So as someone who is not used to drunken behaviour I would find that situation impossible and worrying for the kids, since there is quite a lot of material now about the impact of having an alcoholic parent.

I think the one thing other posters may not appreciate is that your religious values of not drinking is important to you and you had been under the impression that he shared the same beliefs, since he was part of the same religion. If you are hoping that your children also one day take on the same religious beliefs his drunkenness makes it complicated, as the children will rightly see it as inconsistent hypocrisy.

As alcoholism isn’t something you can fix, I would look for a support group and start prioritising your own wellbeing. Looking at the text replies and his behaviour toward you, alcohol has changed him so much that he doesn’t care.

He’s an alcoholic. I would destroy his passport and let him stew there whilst you come home alone and change the locks!

Please get support from Al-Anon and leave him as your husband is an alcoholic who will keep choosing alcohol over you and his children.

You can’t change him and he will only get worse the longer you keep letting him pretend it’s all ok when he’s sobered up.

Did you not have conversations about why his first marriage failed?

He just hasn't grown up, has he? Most men realise by their 30s that getting totally out of their skulls on drink is neither big nor clever.

He is a binge drinker and unless he wants to change, life will be difficult for you. Al-Anon runs self-help group meetings for partners, families and friends of problem drinkers, whether they are still drinking or not.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/ Click through, and have a read. I'm not an expert on the site, but they are there to help you and give you advice, and you know you can come back here and discuss anything that either rings bells for you or is NOT your experience. Either way it should help to give you some clarity about what you are dealing with, and how others have coped and are coping. Hugs and good thoughts winging their way to you x