Husbands drunk on holiday...

Just realised I'm very late to the party lol. Will catch up on rest of thread

No and don't let him gaslight you into thinking it's you. If alcohol is an existing issue for him/you/the marriage, you're going to be triggered by his drinking, no matter the circumstances. He doesn't respect that and has left you upset and alone on holiday.

Don’t bother trying to work out how much he drinks, what he drinks, why he drinks. He has a problem with alcohol and alcoholics are devious. They’ll lie, deflect, hide bottles, do anything to not admit they’re an alcoholic.
Look after yourself and your children. Protect your money, property, anything of value. Protect your children from the effects of his drinking, even if it means divorcing him. Growing up with an alcoholic parent is very damaging.
You can contact Al Anon https://al-anon.org
You can also try this as if you were your husband https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/tools/drinking-check?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD6vynz78X_pRZayR8UBM9GMY3KqT&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI67i0hcbriAMV9qVQBh0cUgcpEAAYASAAEgJ1NfD_BwE#/overview

Addiction isn’t always a stop immediately process, he has to want to stop drinking and if these episodes are infrequent you might find he wants to stop, see if he will try AA?

I don’t really understand the point of giving him a choice.

Sure he will just do what he’s always done? He will say he chooses you, but carry on drinking…

I'm so sorry. He desperately needs help and you need to take care. Perhaps best to let him find his way home, don't pander to him.

A serious chat is needed when he's sober.

Cocaine? Causes wicked mood wrongs when they're coming down. Also used so that alcohol doesn't affect them too badly.

INFO: is this standard behaviour when he's drunk?

If this is a one-off and you just ask him not to drink with you around because you don't drink he's right he's a grown up and it's unreasonable to push your preferences on him. I don't think its reasonable to insist a partner to change something just because they should respect your feelings on it. Men have been doing this to control women for years and I don't like it either way.

However if it's standard he drinks too much and gets nasty and hurtful and doesn't communicate and can't control the alcohol when he drinks you need to wait til he's sober and talk about how he is addressing this because if this is how he is with alcohol I wouldn't tolerate it twice

So what would you class as "normal self"?
It sounds like he has an issue with alcohol but until he recognises it he will never change.
You need to think about your future and what you're going to do next.

You are facilitating a bad relationship with alcohol by ignoring it. I suspect you may need to leave him for him to want to seek help.

If it's something he does rarely, then I suspect you probably need to holiday without him or agree he saves his drinking for when it doesn't affect you and the children.

How awful for you OP.
The loneliness of being married to an alcoholic is immense. Keeping it secret, from children and neighbours is so stressful. Constant vigilance.
Once it’s known, you have the shame and perhaps child protection issues to face. You’re of course not the problem, but you are your children’s protector.
I know that breaking up a family is incredibly hard. Your husband may make this very difficult too. He may be lovely much of the time. How you would like things to stay like that.
Please know though, that there are no words you can say, things you can do or not do, to make him change his relationship with alcohol. He has to want to. Unfortunately so many addicts don’t, and so many suffer and die…and drag their families to the brink while they do so. It’s a terrible affliction, and there are no winners. You can only lose less, by getting yourself and your family away.

When you feel conflicted, remember how you felt on holiday. And try to get to Al-Anon - there will be people who can hear your story or tell you theirs. It will help.
Best of luck to you

He’s always had that choice and you’ve previously asked him not to drink. And he continued.

Will asking him again change his response?

If you see him later on in this state or he does the same tomorrow record him as subtlety as you can. Record everything from your pov and then when he’s sober show him and then ask him if he would like you to show the children and his parents that video. He will surely say no and ask him well then you are obviously embarrassed by your behaviour when drunk so why is it ok to act like that with me? Maybe seeing what he is like might shock him a little into listening

I am so sorry you've ended up in a marriage with an alcoholic. Please remember its not your fault. From what you're saying you could benefit from the support of a group like Al Anon. They all know exactly what you're going through.

It's not easy to simply leave someone you're married to, and have children with. It's a big decision. But while he is still drinking, he will be manipulative, gaslighting you, and undermining your confidence. He won't necessarily even be aware of it, because his "addiction" will convince him he's justified and anyone would do the same. He just will not see that what he's doing is wrong. It's denial - "Don't even know I am lying".

I wanted to add this comment for support and to say that it's not your fault. Al Anon say the 3 Cs: didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.

It's his problem and unless he can quit and get help, you have to protect yourself amd your children as much as you can. 🙏

Please don't listen to people who say you're controlling about this man's drinking. He has behaved disgracefully and does not deserve you. I hope you have some support to help you and your children. This marriage may not end this time. But it will next time, because there will be a next time. This man cannot keep a wife, but will not kearn or take accountability. You deserve so much better and so do your children

Depends on the husbands side of the story

the wife kicking them out is wrong

not being supportive

pepole believe other peoples lies

and in the end it’s his family

sadly life isn’t always black and white and as @Unknown987 discovered after her first divorce people take sides and people you think are friends and there to support you - aren’t

I've been there. It won't get any better. You need to get out as soon as you can.

@Unknown987 Your husband has an alcohol problem. You need support. See the link I’ve attached. "It's not about how much you drink, or how often, it's what happens when you drink"

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Sorry that should have said if I asked him to stop.

I'm sorry you have had to go through this OP, especially on a special birthday trip.
I'm also not a big drinker (with good reason) but my husband does and will go out to drink which I'm fine with. I 100% know that if I asked him to, he would, as he values our relationship and my reasons behind it. I think it's a matter of respect and it doesn't sound like you got much of that from him. He behaved irresponsibly and selfishly on a special trip and I don't blame you for being upset and hurt. If you ask him to stop and he listens to the reasons why, he can choose to either accept it and stop or refuse and carry on. Then it's your decision on where to go from there and if you can get past the hurt he has caused you. Good luck OP and I hope you're feeling better now you are home.

Oh dear. Sounds like you have several “kids” , the one that you’re on holiday with right now being a teenager. No point trying to talk to him when he’s drunk, that’s for sure. I’d act sweet and nice and normal tomorrow too. What’s the point in ruining your last few days arguing when you’ll likely not win. Sounds like more than just a holiday argument needs addressing here.

I am an alcoholic and I recognise a fellow alcoholic. You cannot help him. He needs to help himself. I wish you both health and happines
s, but you need to start setting down the boundaries.

Many of us thought they will change, this is the last time I promise, will never happen again etc etc. And then it happens again, sometimes months later. And you will NEVER trust him. Always in the back of your mind, you will be always be on guard and never feel peaceful. It isn’t worth it I promise. Unless he decides he is going to sort himself out and admits he has a problem. I told mine to quit or leave. He chose to quit and it takes years to get the trust back.

Exactly this!!

Op, from experience, only give him one chance to choose. The second alcohol wins walk away