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Original poster

This is a mad thing to say isn't it?

62 replies

TotalShitTimeOfIt · 29/09/2024 15:57

I have 2 DS (3 and 4).

If DH says no to one of them (no extra snack, whatever) and one of them starts to cry over something, I might make a "shhh" sound as I give them a cuddle. Nothing crazy I guess it's just habit

Often when DH says no to something he will give quite lengthy explanations as they're crying or getting upset "the reason I said no is because blah blah blah and I refuse to back down because etc"

H just said no to DS watching telly and DS started crying. I was comforting him snd H said angrily snapping at me saying "stop telling me to shhh, it's disrespectful". I ignored him but when DS calmed down, I said to H quietly in the next room

"I'm not asking you to be quiet, I'm comforting the kids"

He said "bollocks"

I said "no really I am. I'm just in that habit of shhh when they're crying"

H has said to me that i shouldn't make that noise anymore as it feels disrespectful to him and they don't need me to comfort them like they're babies anyway

He's being mad isn't he? He doesn't want to talk about it anymore so that's that.

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 29/09/2024 16:09

Personally the comfort my DC get for tears over being told no is different to the comfort they get for hurting themselves, for example.

In the situation you described I would be staying out of it unless the DC brought me into it in which case I'd be backing DH up. If the tears continued I may well cuddle but I'd be saying "now you know we don't watch TV on a nursery day, why don't you get your Lego/doll/colouring out", not shushing like I do if they're crying over something like being hurt.

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 29/09/2024 16:09

TotalShitTimeOfIt · 29/09/2024 16:05

@BarbaraHoward hmmm maybe. I'm not undermining him in the sense that I absolutely tell them no too and say "daddy is right. No TV right now" . But if they start to cry - whether it me or him who has said no - I will give them a cuddle sure. Is that OTT?

@TotalShitTimeOfIt

well yes & no.

It sounds like DH is trying to talk to them like they're much older, it sounds like he needs to learn to say no to them in a more age appropriate way.

it also sounds like they need no means no, no to another snack/tv isn't a cry worthy event, a bit of resiliance is required.

you 'shusssh pat' is OTT for a snack/tv etc.

it would drive me nuts too

MissBattleaxe · 29/09/2024 16:09

Your kids will never be able to deal with the word NO without expecting comfort and a cuddle. I'd be annoyed in your DH's shoes. You're making him look like the bad guy.

zeitweilig · 29/09/2024 16:08

I don't think this is the time to be cuddling them tbh - they're crying because they don't like being told 'no' and not because there's actually anything wrong.
You're making yourself look like the good cop and him the bad cop.

Sidebeforeself · 29/09/2024 16:07

But they are not crying crying are they? As in upset, scared injured. They are just crying just they cant have a snack etc. Your behaviour is rewarding their crying. Just ignore, or a breezy ‘ Yes you cant have another biscuit. Now whats on tv?’

NahNotHavingIt · 29/09/2024 16:07

TheShellBeach · 29/09/2024 16:05

You're being disrespectful.
You're comforting your children when they've been told no about something.

You and your DH need to work as a team.

Yes, this ^^

Are you deliberately trying to undermine him, or are you trying for favourite parent of the year?

Original poster
TotalShitTimeOfIt · 29/09/2024 16:05

@BarbaraHoward hmmm maybe. I'm not undermining him in the sense that I absolutely tell them no too and say "daddy is right. No TV right now" . But if they start to cry - whether it me or him who has said no - I will give them a cuddle sure. Is that OTT?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 29/09/2024 16:05

You're being disrespectful.
You're comforting your children when they've been told no about something.

You and your DH need to work as a team.

BarbaraHoward · 29/09/2024 16:04

TotalShitTimeOfIt · 29/09/2024 16:03

No, forget the snack example. I just mean if they get upset over something - I will give them a cuddle and sometimes make a shhh sound. H is saying he finds it disrespectful that I comfort DS when he is still talking.

That's kind of the point though. If DH is still explaining why they can't have TV and you're cuddling and shushing I can understand why he's annoyed. You're not presenting a united front.

Original poster
TotalShitTimeOfIt · 29/09/2024 16:03

No, forget the snack example. I just mean if they get upset over something - I will give them a cuddle and sometimes make a shhh sound. H is saying he finds it disrespectful that I comfort DS when he is still talking.

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 29/09/2024 16:02

He's unreasonable about the sshhh thing, but does he think you're undermining him? I have similar aged DC and if I said a perfectly reasonable no to something like TV or chocolate I wouldn't be impressed with DH's method of comforting them being cuddles and shushes. In fact he'd probably find himself under the patio.

Are you painting him as the bad guy with your actions if not your words? There's ways of comforting a sad child without undermining the parent who said no.

Jennyfromthebronx · 29/09/2024 16:01

This reply has been deleted

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