This is a mad thing to say isn't it?

I believe children should be taught ‘no’ and they have to learn to self soothe.
I think you want to comfort your children, you have the very best of intentions, but the children will always run to you for a different outcome, or that Daddy is being mean.
I believe a ‘lecture’ of why something is inappropriate or wrong makes the little ones ‘zone out’ and at their age they can’t take in what is being said.
So. I do think your husband is correct, certainly not mad, and I can understand his frustration.
I don’t think you mean to undermine him, and it’s less confusing for the children when you and your husband present a united front.

I completely get what you mean @TotalShitTimeOfIt (also two DS here, 3 & 5). My DP will often go on a long monologue of why this and why not that etc etc, the excessive waffle bores me let alone the kids. It's also fairly laughable that he's shut down a conversation with you, about him feeling shut down by you. Maybe the irony of that will sink in a little later for him...

As for the cuddle - if my children are crying, I will always offer comfort. It doesn't mean negotiations are reopening or that a decision will be overturned. In the same way I wouldn't pretend I couldn't see my partner crying and just carry on with my day. Doesn't mean I can or will fix the issue itself.

You are definitely undermining him. The issue is that you have not sat down as parents and agreed what your parenting priorities are - when you shhhh/hug the children you are communicating that you are on their side and disagree with DH. This is wrong. You sit quietly, steaming if necessary, and without the children you discuss the fact you (clearly) disagree with his rationale, you discuss this and work out how you move forward.

There may be times when he is right that they don’t need a snack or whatever is the issue, there may be times when he is being a bit over-strict. I often disagree with DH’s position, but I never undermine him to call him out in front of my kids. I discuss this without the kids present and we hammer out our differences in private.

When you put the kids to bed tonight have a chat and agree on a plan moving forward. Sounds like you both are just doing what you think is best and maybe just need to agree on a compromise. All the best xxx

God he sounds domineering and tiresome

Dad says no tv. He does the right thing and explains the logic behind the decision. You undermine him by giving the children cuddles.

you need to join team dad. No, dad is right, you have had enough screen time today. Should we do a puzzle or read a book?… if they don’t pick,and are still crying, grab a book and start reading. You are still providing comfort, but you are modeling moving on from disappointment instead of reinforcing that dad was the bad guy and you need mom cuddles now.

Did all this take place in front of the kids? Him telling you not to undermine him etc? If it did he sounds quite horrible. I'm interested why it wasn't ok for the kids to watch tv, although if he was offering to play a game with them or go on a walk or do a fun activity then fair enough enough but I would be very surprised if this was the case. Frankly if he did "tell you off" in front of the children for giving them a cuddle then that's the least of your worries. Lecturing a little one is beyond boring. No wonder they were crying and needing comfort.

I think your husband is actually doing it by the book and not just saying no, but explaining why. I think you need to let the message sink in a little, rather than interfere and make shushing noises. There is nothing wrong in telling your child no and explaining why. If your child if. Is crying because they can’t have a treat, that’s something they need learn - they can’t get what they want all the time and it’s irresponsible of parents to let them. By jumping in and making shushing noises, it reinforces their thoughts that they’ve been ‘wronged’, when they haven’t and parents are doing things for their own good.

There is obviously nothing wrong with cuddling and you are sounding a bit manipulative with your false naivety that the take home message is people think you shouldn’t cuddle a child. You know that’s not the issue here.

Yeah but he's got it wrong too. A breezy 'no, sweetheart, no TV/sweets right now' then direct them to something else, rather than a fraught situation where child is wailing, dad is overexplaining, mum is fussing and both adults are pissed off with each other.

You're undermining your DH while he's over explaining. It sounds like you both need to change your approach and both give short explanations as to why your DC can't have exactly what they want right now, and then distract with them something they can have now. You're not going to raise resiliant insividuals if they are comforted every time they fuss because they can't have something. It's OK to be cross because you can't having something, it's the way you learn to handle it that's important.

I agree with your DH. No need for cuddles and petting when they burst into tears at being told no; better to distract cheerfully and not dwell on it.

I know it’s not your intention but you’re definitely undermining him and setting the children up to be quite demanding through no fault of their own.

I'm with your dh on this one.

"No you can't have any chocolate because it's tea time in 30 minutes and you'll be full"

"Shhhh darling, there, there, it's ok"

It sounds like he's saying no and giving a reason, and you're there soothing them about that.

It's undermining, and not teaching them a great lesson in dealing with emotions and how to react when being told no.

I'm not sure a 3 and 4 year old need a long winded explanation of why he's said no. They're too busy reacting to the "no" to take in what he says.

My father was a bully and my mother never stood up for us. What I am not sure about is whether or not you think that your DH’s telling off is correct but excessive. If he’s right to tell them off but does it excessively then this is something to discuss with him, separately and away from the particular incident.

You should, imv, work as a team and back each other up. Comforting a child when the other parent has told them off suggests that you and your DH aren’t doing that. What is the child supposed to understand from this.?

Your children need to learn to self soothe after a telling off and you are undermining your husband by comforting them. Part of being told off for being naughty is the feeling shit so you feel remorseful. If you're telling them it's ok daddy didn't mean it shh have a cuddle what is that teaching them?

If my dc were upset cos they couldn't have a chocolate I would try to be understanding of their feelings but also firm.

I know you are upset and you want a chocolate. I'd like to eat chocolate too! All day everyday! But it's not good for us and that's why daddy has said no. It's not the end of the world and so dry your tears and let's go and do something else.

Yeah I would be annoyed if I were your DH. Making him into the bad guy.

If you did this to me it would feel like you were undermining me every damn time.
”oh shhhhh,poor baby, mean daddy” is what it’s saying.

No wonder it drives the poor guy crazy.

My thought was that you are soothing them a bit like "shush pat" when they are babies and perhaps at 5 and 7 they could do with learning that you think this disappointment is something fairly ordinary that they can manage, not needing comfort over.

I do think that the mum and dad tend to play two different roles with children and that this is a good thing.

Obv a generalisation but the mum tends to perhaps comfort and reassure more and the dad tends to be the one saying they can manage this and driving towards treating them as more grown up.

I think where there are both roles it's a good thing as there is a balance. It wouldn't have to be a mum and a dad, it could even be two mums, two dads, or even a very skilful single parent who was able to wear both hats.

It looks like you and your Dh are falling quite naturally into these roles.

Yeah, they are crying from frustration from being told no. It's important that they sit with that frustration a little and learn to deal with it.

Do you mean you are hugging them and saying SHHHHHHH while he is still talking to them?