Am I the worst daughter in law?!

Your DH needs to speak to his wider family / friends and get some sort of rota in place. This won't happen organically so he will have to organise it.
Unless something shifts, it sounds like you will be the default 'carers'
Also his 'hobbies' will have to be put on a back burner until the above is sorted out

When I was bereaved, my mate down the road used to ask me down for wine. I would just join in with whatever was happening in the house at the time and it was lovely. Maybe you doing jammies and wine yourself would be more helpful to her than a more formal kind of hosting? I think its your DH's Mum though and he should be sorting out his own schedule a bit more to give her what she needs?

Sorry to say but she is very early on in the grief process and it usually is worse in year two. You do sound quite cold, but I get it’s had an impact on your life you weren’t expecting.

i can see why you argue, from your husbands perspective. It’s his mum, she is in pain and it’s only natural to want to support and protect her. Maybe she feels more comfortable at your house. Is he supposed to tell his crying mother she is not welcome.

As others have said, just go about your life as normal as possible and let her fit in with your routines. If you don’t want to do PJ’s, just get some lounge wear instead and put that on. This won’t be forever, and you can slowly build in boundaries, but it is a bit soon for that.

Good luck, and what you put in now, will come back to you in the future!

I agree here, whilst it’s expected that you remain sympathetic to her situation and grief you also need to look after yourself … suggest a coffee at the park after work then excuse yourself to get chores done accommodate her at home but on your terms grief is a funny thing and she may never recover that said you can only do your best

This is eye opening to read - I lost my husband , it's now 3 years and I am still (quietly, on my own grieving ). but it now makes sense why so many people just don't contact you after the first couple of weeks as you are given a short time to grieve, 4 months and you are thinking of drawing hard lines. I cant even remember the first 6 months after my husband died. I was in a fog. They only start bereavement counselling after 6 months give you a chance to "settle". This is just too soon, 4 months, although long for you as I understand its impacting your life, is nothing for you MIL or DH. You r MIL will not always be in such deep grief or need you so much.

Beautifully put. I hope you and your mum are now doing better

4 months is nothing! It's still very raw. Apparently 4-6 months is the worst time for grief; and it's around then that everyone stops checking in on you. It's the time when your subconscious starts to realise this is a permanent change and you'll never see that person again.
Of course your MIL is able to keep herself occupied during the day shops are open, appointments happen, even seeing people walk up and down the street from your window - even though they have no idea you're there it's all company.
At night it's dark, and miserable on TV it's all death or romance depending which is the current storyline on the various soaps; and you're left with your own thoughts.

But by all means back of tell her you're door isn't always open but make damn sure you do it for your parents when one of them dies!

After my first husband left me, I was devastated and my lovely friend next door would ring me as soon as I got home from work to tell me to come round. She didn't "host" as such. Sometimes in the beginning I didn't nothing other than snivel into my hankie and watch TV, then go home, with not much conversation taking place. It was the physical company of another human that I appreciated, not being waited on.

So welcome her round, but crack on with your normal routine.

OP says "MIL has lots of other family support and manages to keep busy in the day whilst we're working." - it sounds as if she is trying to forge a life for herself. 4 months is no time. Friend of mine is 2 years on from the death of her husband, and, although she's filling her days with activities, she is still getting a lot of support from her DC and their partners.

I think you need to encourage independence and suggest some local clubs, interest groups that she might like to try because there are times when you won't be around. Women are pretty resilient at keeping their social life going but it means you need to take small steps back.

It was less hosting and more just her becoming part of the furniture. DMs best friend lost her fiancé, and for a long while afterwards, friend used to come round and sit quietly in the corner. Sometimes being part of the furniture gives the comfort needed.

It’s been 4 months OP. It’s raw and it’s unreasonable. Grief is unfortunately.

Have you ever been through a significant bereavement yourself?

I too am going against the grain. Yes its difficult all round, but your MIL has to start to learn to stand on her own feet again and forge a life for herself.

Have you said how old she is, what her health is etc.

Losing a spouse must be one of the worst bereavements you can possibly go through, I’d absolutely have an open door policy for a parent (or sibling or friend) for as long as they needed it. Those nights alone must be so bloody tough, I’d hate for someone I love to be sat alone and sad.

That being said she can absolutely fit in around your routine, eat what your eating etc. and if you need to chill in your bedroom alone then DH can sit with her. I think you’d be very cruel to tell her she needs to back off tbh.

I agree with some pp, don't host as such, if she comes round and you're in your PJ's on the sofa, thats fine, she just wants some company I think, she probably wouldn't notice, let alone mind.

Could your DH visit a couple of times a week alone, just to dilute it a little?

I know it seems a lot, but my FIL was widowed unexpectedly and he was absolutely broken, for quite a while, so I can't imagine us just ignoring his calls/messages.

If she's your MIL, you shouldn't need to host. When my DH family comes over, it's just chilled. Will make a cup of tea but we'll still all chill in front of the TV. So put your PJs on and have a glass of wine. If your DH wants anything different, he's welcome to do it!

Your claim that her crying is simply to guilt shame him says a lot about you unfortunately.
Her husband of presumably many decades DIED 4 months ago and you see her crying as nothing more than a manipulative tactic.

You aren't very nice.

Of course it is still early days for your MIL, but I don't think there is any harm in beginning to scale things back towards a more sustainable level for you.

Cut back the hosting visits slowly at first. I'd go down to twice a week at first, with a view to going down to just once a week after a few more weeks, which might be more workable??

It's very hard for her, but she does need to start getting used to being on her own more. She can't avoid it really, harsh though that is. It's her new normal I'm afraid.

Does your DH have any siblings? Does MIL herself have any other close family or friends? So is there a reason why nobody else can step up and this is all on you?

I don't think you are being hard hearted either. You (both) have been doing a huge amount.

When you work, and have a small child, life is busy.

Dh also needs to process his grief.

Obviously, things are still very raw for your MiL, but I think you (well, your dh) needs to have a chat with some of the rest of the family (or good friends) and say "look, I know Mum struggles in the evenings but I can't get there until Friday this week, is there any chance you could pop in for a cuppa / give her a ring / invite her for tea / whatever he thinks they might be able to do ?"

Like a pp suggested ,can't your dh go to see her?

Can you take a long weekend, or half term week, and go to visit your mum with DS?

Perhaps your DH will change his tune when he has to host your mil all by himself.

4 months isn't long but you don't have to be in servitude.
If you have plans, don't drop them but let her know in advance.
Allow her to stop in but don't treat her like a guest. Just carry on as you usually would.

The crying might feel like guilt tripping but is more likely be grief. Grief is selfish and sad. Your MIL is sad and that can be hard to accept but it is part of the grieving process.

I agree that it is absolutely fine to put some boundaries in place.
My MIL was similar when she was bereaved -every evening, minutes after we
got in from work, doorbell rang. She had eaten, I was hangry, but she made it so hard to just continue our evenings, and we had no dc to distract her. I got it, she was lonely and needed to talk to someone, but she also had to get used to things

i started working later, an avoidance tactic, which i appreciate does not suit you. DH was left to deal, and so he did.

So go with your normal routine. Just say Hi, Mil, sorry, can’t stop, got to get on with my chores/ dinner/ bath time. Suggest DH visits her, alone during the week, with DC at weekends.

I'd reach out to other family and friends and ask them to help her as well as you